Wednesday One-Liners

Mellow, Yellow Wednesday One-Liners

Queer to another: It’s okay to pee on people. Either you do it or you don’t, and I’ve done it a lot.

–L train

Stumbling drunk girl to friends: All I was thinking was, ‘Oh, God, I hope he doesn’t pee on me!’

–Mott & Bayard St

Chick: I wish I could pee standing up. If I could pee standing up, I would pee out this window. Did you ever wonder where this door goes? It’s like the door to a secret land or something!

–Education building, NYU

Middle-aged guy: I used to pee on the floor just to get attention!

–Lincoln Center

Girl: Can you hold this while I… release my urine?

–The Met

Watch Where You’re Sticking Your Wednesday One-Liner

Woman to another: Yeah, that’s true, but she has a huge uterus anyway.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Will Couchon

Black lady: I had to shut his throat and it was all [violent gurgling noises].

–Varick & King St

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

NYU blonde to friend: I wish I was made of pixels… But cells are sorta like pixels, right? So yay, I am!

–D train

Overheard by: keeeem

Flyer guy: Here you go, sexy! [Brunette ignores him and keeps walking.] I’ll take you home and bite you! I’ll bite a nice big chunk out of your thigh!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: ouch ouch

White girl: Ow, my face! I mean my head! I mean my arm…

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: jules

Grungy middle-aged man: I’m picking my nose! I’m picking my nose!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd Ave

All the World’s a Wednesday One-Liner

Elderly man to wife: Well, I haven’t read the review yet, but I think I liked it!

–Second Stage Theatre, after Euridice performance, 43rd & 8th

Overheard by: Kate McVety

Girl on cell: There needs to be a Mean Girls musical, and you have to be in it.

–50th & Broadway

Overheard by: Maggie

Director: You know, I think we’ll actually leave the movie projector on stage for the whole show, as a metaphor or some shit.

–Great Jones St

Old lady to daughter during production of Vinegar Tom: You always bring me to the dirtiest shows!

–Center for the Arts, College of Staten Island

Aspiring actor on cell: The good thing about this play is– No, it’s not just me. The really great thing about this play is the sex.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: if the sex is with him, count me in

Chick, about play where leading lady gets raped: Why is everyone like, ‘Oh my god, she was raped!’ Rape has happened forever. Sooo many people get raped — this isn’t a shocker. Why are we spending all our time talking about this part of the play? I mean, rape happens.

–Silver Center, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: sizzle

Older woman: So, what’s the name of that ‘chaperone’ play? ‘The Dirty Chaperone’? Oh, well. They will know which one I mean.

–TKTS booth

A Sorry Sack of Wednesday One-Liners

12-year-old boy playing on escalator: Oops, sorry! Gotta get rid of the calories somehow!

–Duane Reade, 57th & 6th

Overheard by: liz

Old lady to Indian girl bending to pick up and return stranger’s dropped wallet: I always knew you Iraqis were a good people. I’m so sorry about the war.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amused friend

Big black girl, after getting her foot stepped on: You can say you’re fucking sorry. I’ll punch you in the face. Bitch, I have postpartum depression.

–A train

Mom to three year-old dragging her into Dunkin’ Donuts: I’m sorry, honey, no coffee right now.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: Johanna

Dude on payphone: I’m sorry your pipes burst, Mom, but at least you have pipes to burst!

–3rd Ave & Astor Pl

Overheard by: Melissa

Waiter to hungry customers: I’m so sorry for the delay. We dropped a dish and so we’re redoing your whole order. As you can see, I’m eating the pasta we made for you…

–105th & Broadway

You Can’t Take Your Wednesday One-Liners with You

Crazy guy on "phone": Yeah… I’m still in New York… I’m still dressed as a bum — you know, so nobody be askin’ me how much money I have… So nobody be askin’ me what I do.

–Burger King

Blind man to butch chick: If you had money, the men would be all over you!

–43rd & Madison

Overheard by: Casey Felago

Worker collecting money for homeless: Donate whatever you got, folks. Anything — a penny, a button, a gum wrapper, one of those awards you won in the fourth grade — you remember those. Come on, folks.

–14th & 4th

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Clown named "Polka-dots," her humor ignored by young woman: Snot! I probably make more money than you do, anyway! [Honks her horn in chick’s face.]

–6 train platform, Spring St

Overheard by: Allyse

Hipster: So, it’s one hundred dollars just to mount the head?!

–53rd & 9th

Conductor on loudspeaker, after making "suspicious packages" announcement: … And remember, there are only three shopping days left. If you don’t know what to get for people, do what I do — make a list. Then go to the people on the list and ask what they want. Then you say to them, ‘If that’s what you want, give me some money, and then I’ll buy it for you!’

–A train

Overheard by: a fan of train conductor humor

Wednesday One-Liners, Brought to You by Home Depot

Thugette: She just gave me a compliment! That don’t mean she’s a lesbian!

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: go rangers!

Man to self: How can you be a vegetarian and a lesbian? It don’t make no sense… How can you be a vegetarian and eat pussy? Don’t make no kinda sense!

–Outside health food store

NYU chick to another: But I don’t want to be a lesbian today…

–In front of Trader Joe’s, 14th St

Hobo: No, women don’t like men! You know who women like? Lesbians! All women have a lesbian girlfriend!

–E train, 53rd & 5th

Overheard by: Little boxes

Blonde to queer: What I found out is that lesbians really like me.

–Outside Nowhere gay bar

Overheard by: lesbians don’t like me

Chubby girl to skinny girl: I’d totally be a lesbian if I wasn’t fat. Nobody likes a fat lesbian.

–MoMA

Is There Life after Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude on cell: The thing is… Is… She was inseminated… By a dead man.

–Outside of Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway

Overheard by: Red Stapler

Hipster suit on cell: Wait, wait, wait. What are the details on this drop-dead clause again?

–MoMA

Man on cell: Well, it’s a shame he’s still alive.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: mma

Hipster girl to friend: Well, you know what? It’s kind of good he killed her.

–L train

Overheard by: keeeem

Woman: He was dead! It was great!

–Penn Station

Hipster: If you take a handful of Grapenuts and don’t add milk, and you hurl them as hard as you can at somebody’s face, you can take out both their eyes and maybe kill them… I can’t believe I spent the whole day at the hospital, and they told me to go to the dentist!

–V Bar cafe, Greenwich Village

Overheard by: sean savage

Angry man on cell: I’ve given her everything! Everything! She wanted me to kill someone! She wanted me to fuck somebody up good! What else can I do?

–15th & 6th

Congratulations — You Have Successfully Befriended Wednesday One-Liners

Man: I don’t really use Facebook anymore… Except to booty-call poke.

–Starbucks, 6th Ave

Chick: If I die, I don’t want a Facebook group in my memory. It’s tacky.

–Broadway & Waverly

Overheard by: Sarah

Web guy: I’d say my mouse hand is ‘strong’ to ‘very strong.’

–46th & 6th

German man to another: [Rambles in German, then] EBay is sin! A sin, I tell you!

–H&M, 34th St

Overheard by: Melissa Coppola

Math teacher who looks like Ali G: So, I took a ‘How ghetto are you?’ quiz on Facebook. Turns out I’m only 61 percent ghetto.

–Bronx Science

Thug to thugette: Fall back — you never know when people gonna be postin’ what you said on the Internet.

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: katattack

Wednesday One-Liners Where the Sun Don’t Shine

Lady on cell: Well, would you still say no if I told you I’d shove graphite up your ass? Oh, you would? Yeah, I mean literally up your ass. You’d still say no? Well, I guess that means I’m coming over tonight, then… And did you want me to bring takeout? Maybe lasagna?

–Dressing room, Anthropologie

Meathead: Yo, 50 foot of chain and a tow-rig couldn’t pull my tongue out of her ass.

–Bleecker & Sullivan

Overheard by: The Greek

Lady suit: No, no… You get it up the butt… You get all the nutrients up the butt.

–43rd & 9th

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Chick on cell: Who wants to shove shit up themselves for seven days?!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman exiting elevator, to friend: Yeah, I love you, but you have got to keep your fingers out of my ass.

–Lobby of MCNY, Canal & Varick

Girl yuppie to boy yuppie: The only way he did it was by taking suppositories before every walk.

–9th & 3rd

Overheard by: brigdh

Old guy, after being bumped by passerby: Fucking asshole! Get that shit out of your ass! Stop using those damn tampons!

–23rd & 3rd

Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad People Skills

Man selling newspapers: Get your newspapers here and I’ll buy you a drink! … Don’t listen to me — I’m here to sell you newspapers.

–32nd & 6th

CD hawker: You lookin’ for the bus to Mars? It comes in right over here! [Minutes later.] C’mon, white people! Spend money! Hey, white people! I’m black people!

–8th & Broadway

Flyer lady to line of people: You guys need to read this — it’s important. It’s about the waterboarding issue and the new attorney general. Please read these — all about the new attorney general. What’s his name? Makaskey? Or… Something… This is really important.

–Washington Square South

Overheard by: jen

Pamphlet guy: Hey, man, you want to save the kids? No, you don’t. Just keep walking — who cares?

–Union Square

Hawker: I’ll trade anyone their Starbucks coffee for a Zipcar flyer!

–Spring St station

Overheard by: Lalaith

Flyer lady: Hey, girl — you betta stop. Buy a leather jacket! Make you look so sexy and hot. Make your man wanna hit that spot!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: I don’t need a jacket for that, BiTCheSSSSS

Flyer girl: Take this flyer. Buy a sweater for your pretty wife — get hot sex tonight!

–34th St

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