Tourist on cell: So, what do you want me to bring you back from NYC? A fake Louis Vuitton bag? Or fake Chanel perfume?
–57th & 7th
Bimbette: I just don’t have the energy to have a fake conversation.
–LIRR
Overheard by: tired
Large black man laughing to self: They thought I was a fake doughnut.
–1 train
Overheard by: Craig
Offended girl: Look at this fake snow! It mocks us! Fuck you, fake snow!
–Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: In complete agreement
Handsome suit: He can totally clean my gutters anytime. He’s got the whole package.
–Exiting Sheraton hotel, 7th Ave
Suit on cell: It’s when someone urinates on you…
–19th & 7th
Overheard by: Golden Slumbers
Suit: No one ever wants any of my gum. It’s not poisoned! I might put something in your drink at a bar, though.
–A train
Overheard by: emilyc
Suit to another: That’s because all you eat is fully-cooked, non-contaminated food. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it…
–24th & 6th
Overheard by: Angi
Suit holding sexual harassment pamphlet, to HR department: I have conquered sexual harassment!
–102nd St
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’
–Washington Square Park
Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.
–153rd & Edgecombe
Overheard by: DaHustler
Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.
–Outside Whole Foods
Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting
Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time
Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!
–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
20-ish guy to friends: Talk about sweat — I never swat so much in my life!
–Bleecker & MacDougal
Blonde: I’m not a naysayer! I’m not! I’m a yes-sayer… An ambiguous answer-sayer…
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Bimbette: Oh my god, I was dramatized! I couldn’t even look at him.
–Staten Island Ferry
Suit: I just walked into Barnes and Nizzle to take a wizzle.
–Barnes & Noble, 22nd St
Guy to friend: If the Yankees win the first two, it’ll be a swept.
–Rockefeller Center
Paint department clerk to customer: Do you want interior or outerior?
–Home Depot, Brooklyn
Supermarket cashier: I was actually valedictorian in high school, and I wore four-inch heels to graduation. And surprise, surprise — I falled.
–Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Crackhead singing to another: You don’t bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.
–Starbucks, W 4th & Grove
Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies… I’m saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii’m saving myself for divorrrce!
–36th & Broadway
Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city — New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.
–NJ Transit
Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it’s snowing!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: it wasn’t snowing
Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!
–Century 21
Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.
–92nd & 3rd
Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around — that’s what it’s all about!
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom!
–Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: amused
Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’
–Rare, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Keezles
Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts.
–Coral Towers
Overheard by: No Pun Intended
Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.
–Urban Outfitters, Union Square
Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong
Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!
–Columbia University
Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! … That’s fine. I’m mad at my dad anyway.
–Q train to Coney Island
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
–86th & Park
Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?
JAP on cell: No, I’m not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father’s West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.
–79th & Park
Overheard by: vibrant
Dude: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? My belly button, thank you!
–Bronx-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Niv
Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.
–26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don’tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.
–Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: tommy z
Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.
–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYMD
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
–3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Margaret Cho’s Little Sister
Fart noise occurs twice.
Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
–109th & 3rd
Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God — thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I’ve been holding that in since lunch!
–Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St
Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can’t because, y’know, you might shart? That’s me right now. That’s me.
–9th & Broadway
Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!
–Times Square
Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it’s a good thing you’re such a nice guy, because if you weren’t, you’d totally be an asshole.
–Lobby of Le Parker Meridien
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl: Oh my god, she’s so nice. She’s a chiropractor and a stripper!
–F train stop, Park Slope
Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time… Yup, she was cremated.
–Lower East Side
Overheard by: kdice
Guy on cell: I know! I know! It’s like getting laid! It’s like getting laid! I mean, like, you’re having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can’t tell yet if she’s gonna drop her skirt!
–Outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Sarah
20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You’re such a nice person. Except when you’re hungry.
–23rd & 7th
Girl to friend: It’s like that saying, you know? ‘The pot calling the kettle a slut.’
–W 63rd St
Overheard by: JustVisiting
Woman to table of people: … Although I’m pretty sure it says ‘slut’ in my medical file…
–Rolf’s, 22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Ladle
JAP: You can’t put a price on casual sex.
–110th & Broadway
Female employee on break, to man: I’m what’s called a nymphomaniac. I’ll do it anywhere — on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A…
–NYU dining hall
Chick on cell: So yeah — now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It’s like the walk of shame drawn out for days… Hey, I can’t help it if this keeps happening to me… I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.
–89th & Columbus
Overheard by: Lala
College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.
–Columbus Circle subway exit
Overheard by: confused by the definition
