Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Flicker Pictures

Guy to L. Ron Hub-tards: So, if I sign up with you, how long do I have to offer people stress tests before I become a movie star?

–Union Square

Gangsta teen: Yeah, A Clockwork Orange. You seen that shit? They taped his eyes open and made him watch rapes and shit. I would have ripped that shit off my eyes, man — fuck that. I’d blink my motherfucking eyes regardless.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I do, too

Hipster: Actually, I don’t watch movies. I watch films.

–The Village

Blonde: Wasn’t Newsies a documentary?

–Deluxe, 114th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

Queer on cell: So, it’s not just like one of those regular bestiality films…

–E 9th & 1st

Movie buff: Yeah, I thought Seabiscuit was a good movie until I realized it was about a horse.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: pokemaul2k4

Wednesday One-Liners Just Wanted Boys to Like Them

Lady bus driver on cell: Tell everybody in Intelligence they can all get their dicks sucked.

–West-bound crosstown bus,14th St

Overheard by: Kate

Man on cell: Having your dick sucked poorly for 10 minutes and then watching him fuck your girlfriend can be fun in moderation, but after a while it just gets old.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Still laughing

Guy with chick: All I know is I have two finals, she’ll give me a blowjob to relax me, and I’ll go home and take a nap.

–A train

Woman on phone: So, I was given 30 minutes for pizza, right? And I leave my office, look over, and she is sucking his fucking dick.

–Target

Overheard by: Jooshua

Hipster: Yeah, like five tranny vampires sucked my dick within 10 minutes of walking into that place.

–Beauty bar

Straight guy: Yeah, I think I’d suck Jabba the Hut’s dick.

–Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-Liners Comix and Stories

Ghetto guy: It’s a bird; it’s a plane; it’s Super Vagina!

–Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: office peon

Little boy to dad: I have a secret identity.

–116th & Broadway

Hobo: Did you know Batman and Robin are in the Bible? Yeah, gays in there — they were so busy being gay that the blacks wrote the Bible… And by the way, you can find O.J. Simpson in there, too.

–40 bus, Bronx

Woman on cell: What I was thinking was Spider-Man would show up for just one hour, and he’d officiate the wedding.

–Joralemon St, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: jill

Lawyer on cell: I have so many arch-nemeses…

–Law firm lobby, Midtown

Overheard by: I hope I’m not one of them

The White Devil’s Wednesday One-Liners

Newscaster to cameraman: Come on, can’t we get some fucking white people to interview? [White suit approaches.] Hi, do you have a minute?

–Fulton & Gold

Overheard by: Floored

14-year-old girl to friend: Yo, my momma was like, ‘We gotta go over to Peter Lugar’s to pick up some white niggas with chizzz-ash!’

–S 3rd St, Williamsburg

White guy to buddy: I have this thing for girls who look like white girls, but actually…

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Overheard by: NCS

Dude: Journey is like crack for white people.

–Metropolitan Championship Regatta

Queer black guy on cell: Girl, just stop! That is not your job… No, if she’s such a delicate white woman that she can’t be bothered to take care of her own child, then she can’t be mad if you lose her in the park… No, that’s not your job.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: mark

Ghetto chick: You eat those Fritos like a white girl.

–Prominade, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: David in Dumbo

Southern tourist to wifey: You know, people in New York are so many different shades… White people, I mean.

–Q train, 34th St

Lord of the Wednesday One-Liners

Sweet-looking old man teaching ballet: This is an adult ballet class. We have to try and do things correctly. A children’s ballet is different. Technically, it qualifies as child abuse.

–Steps on Broadway dance studio

Chick on cell: After the crash test dummy, there were two geishas who belly danced.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Hott Bi Luv

Chick: … But he didn’t expect it to be a bunch of animals — rabbits and bears in little outfits and shit. And doing little dances. And he was maaad…!

–1 train

Overheard by: Ladle

Agitated old Jew to wife: I’m just saying, for my money I want the Electric Slide, I want the Macarena, I want the Chicken Dance, you know what I mean?

–68th & Lex

Indignant mom: She secretly enrolled her in ballet without telling me!

–Monroe St & Franklin Ave, Brooklyn

Old Einstein-looking guy with charming European accent: I always wanted to be a belly dancer so I was surprised when I became a composer.

–Subway

Overheard by: Ben H

I Love the Smell of Wednesday One-Liners in the Morning

Basketball thug: Yo, my mama’s breasts smell like rusty pickles!

–Columbus Park, by City Hall

Overheard by:

Man: Dude, smell my cellphone…

–Broadway, Astoria

Fat tourist: I smell like a slave ship.

–Restaurant, Mulberry & Broome

Chick on cell: That is true, however, it is definitely not my fault your apartment smells like an ass crack.

–48th & 5th

Overheard by: Laurie

Fat black lady to son: Where is the train? I smell it, but where is it?

–Fulton & Pearl

Overheard by: Justin

Wednesday One-Liners: So Like Us

Young man: Horses are beautiful, man. They’re like fucking donkeys.

–Central Park

Frustrated kid: For the last time, monkeys do not have chlorophyll!

–Stuyvesant High

Overheard by: Sacagawea

Hobo leaning over and talking to squirrels: Why are you a squirrel?! Why?!

–Washington Square Park

Man: Once, I drove a horse! I took my belt over its head, and I drove that horse with my belt! That horse was like, ‘Woo-woo!’ You know Mary Jane? The candy. The peanut candy. I gave that horse Mary Jane and it went, ‘Woo-woo!’

–A train

Man on cell: … Is this the residence of a three-toed sloth? [Pause.] Are you the proud owner of a three-toed sloth?

–Clinton St & E Broadway

Overheard by: Chris

Blonde: So, I totally know this story. It was about this lion who became best friends with a deer, like, in Africa, and the lion wouldn’t, like, eat the deer, and the deer wouldn’t, like, run from the lion, but then the deer got really skinny and another lion ate him and the first lion got sad and died.

–NJ Transit train to Penn

Chick on cell: It’s been way too long since our sheep lisped.

–Harlem

These Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Run

35-ish lady to friend: I don’t even have anything in my mouth, and I still feel American.

–Smith & President

Ferry captain: Welcome to the United States. All crew members please report for docking…

–Manhattan-bound ferry

Overheard by: wondering where we were before…

Female writing professor: No, keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind. This is America, people — don’t be crazy.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Nina

Chick: Bleeding to death? Brain damage? I’m leaning towards gangrene. That’s just so all-American, Oregon Trail, you know? If he’s in this country, he’d better be ready to die like it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michelle

Professor: Brooklyn is not part of Long Island the same way New York is not part of America. We’re not in America right now.

–NYU

Overheard by: And Staten Island doesn’t exist.

Boricua thug: So I say, ‘Why you be poopin’ on the shirts of America?’

–5th Ave

The Countertransference of Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to obnoxious child: You need group therapy!

–7 train

Overheard by: Curly

Hipster chick: So, Therapist Rick came over last night and took the kids out for a walk. They had sore bums when they came back, but otherwise they were okay…

–92nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken

Little girl to dad: Last year in third grade I was really depressed!

–80th St, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Maif

20-ish lady on cell: Yeah, so I found out he’s a born-again Christian, which was kind of a turn-off because I never got into fundamentalist kink. But my therapist told me to try something new, so I think I’m going to fuck him anyway.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Josephine

Old man: My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don’t ever waste an erection, even if you’re alone.

–Restroom, York Theater

Girl on cell: No way! I totally hate my therapist, too!

–89th & 1st

Overheard by: Marisa

Wednesday One-Liners Get Stupid; I Mean, Outrageous

Lady to dude: The problem with being an idealist is that everyone else in the world is stupid.

–Housing Works bookstore

Loud broad on cell: You’re such an idiot! How could you be such an idiot?! That is idiotic… I can’t believe you are that much of an idiot… [Continues for minutes, then] Fine, Mom! I’ll speak to you soon.

–Train from Stamford

Father to small son: … And then for dessert we can have one of your stupid jokes.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Overheard by: good luck in therapy, kid

Ghetto chick: I’m never having a baby. By the time I figured out I was pregnant I would have smoked so much weed that it would definitely be dumb.

–The Loews, Lincoln Square

Bimbette: I don’t think that crack is that addictive. It can’t be that addictive. I think people are just stupid.

–R train, 5th Ave

Man: Oh, he’s not Irish, he’s just stupid.

–8th Ave

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