Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Mr. Holland’s Wednesday One-Liners

Queer black guy to white fag hag: My skin used to be much lighter, but then I joined the marching band.

–N train

Overheard by: Ashley

Loud woman: So, this guy kept trying to borrow the guitar, and I thought, Who is this guy? He was so strung out he could only play one chord, but Zach was like, ‘Hey, you’ve heard of the Rolling Stones?’ And I said yes, and he said, ‘Well, that was one of the Rolling Stones.’ It was Keith Richards!

–Hungarian Pastry Shop, 111th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: embly

Suit: Think of it as intercourse, not playing the guitar.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: chica_boom

Girl, about musical she just saw: This will sound really weird, but different instruments made me have to pee more. I was like, ‘Damn you, saxophone!’

–Starbucks

Crazy ‘Nam vet to pack of musician passersby: Musical instruments are the tools of professional rapists!

–Williamsburg Bridge

Overheard by: bort

Wednesday One-Liners Are Disoriented

Third grader: The only thing people know about New York the state is that Washington, DC is in it.

–Essex & Houston

Chick to friend: God, it’s not like we’re some third world country like Puerto Rico!

–33rd & 3rd

Overheard by: cait

Girl on cell: But I’m all the way downtown. I’m literally about as far downtown as you can get.

–13th & Broadway

Asian chick on cell: Amsterdam. It’s in Sweden… Or Switzerland… Oh, I don’t know. I have to go now.

–1 train, UWS

Overheard by: minerfa

Little girl looking at a Queens bus map: Donde esta Bolivia?

–Q38 bus, Elliot Ave, Queens

Overheard by: eMily

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Actually Expect Them to Answer

Hobo to dog: I can’t believe she swallowed my cum!

–69th & Columbus

Big, black man to small, white, yappy dog: Yeah, yeah, we know you’re badass.

–W 146th & St. Nick’s

UES lady to her pup chasing a mouse: Sweetie, don’t! I just brushed your teeth.

–UES

Overheard by: asaf

Hobo to small white dog: Gimme all yo’ money!

–Burger King, 42nd St, between 8th & 9th

Guy to muzzled Pit Bull: It’s your fault, not mine, that you’re wearing that!

–11th & University

Lady to her dog barking at Hispanic maintenance guy: Quiet or you will have a time out!

–UES

Little girl in stroller to dog: Hi, Mister Puppy! Where are your pants?!

–Outside Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Overheard by: cara

Wednesday One-Liners Want the Epidural

JAP: Wait… So, does that mean I was pregnant?

–Bloomingdales

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Ghetto chick on cell: I think it’s a bad idea to be friends with a girl who’s pregnant. It might just rub off on you!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Derrick

Jamaican queer to fag hag: You need to button that up or you gonna end up pregnant!

–W 44th St

Overheard by: Ivan

Black guy to white man and white preggers wife: Yo, you got her all knocked up!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: phia

Man saying good-bye to gal pals: Get pregnant!

–Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: Lillian

Wednesday One-Liners Love Pussy

Well-dressed lady to homely man: No, I have to go. I’m herding cats here.

–Prince & Broadway

Girl on first date: Yeah, and so sometimes I let my cat lick my nipples…

–Outside Pratt Institute

Black teen to her gaggle of pals: She has fuckin’ lupus, and her pussy smells like cat!

–69th & 1st

Overheard by: Erica

Pretty girl: All the boys in New York have a broken heart… And a cat.

–Court St, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Ethan

Man eating sandwich: This meat tastes like cat balls. This ain’t meatballs, it’s cat balls! It tastes like cat!

–Subway restaurant, 23rd & Madison

Overheard by: quickly losing my appetite

Frat guy on cell: You’ll never guess what happened! Smoky came back! … Yeah, it’s good. He’s all like, ‘Meow, meow,’ and I’m all like, ‘Shut up!’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jess

Bluetooth Wednesday One-Liners

Chick yelling out window of hybrid SUV: I’m a better driver than you, and I’m texting at the same time!

–Westside Hwy

Overheard by: Glad I’m walking

Black guy to no one in particular: Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [Taps on cab window] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [To a little girl in stroller] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?

–58th & 9th

Overheard by: Jofo

Secretary-General of the model UN: Before we go, this phone was found in the bathroom — it’s a pink RAZR… It says ‘Stud muffin’ on it.

–United Nations

Crazy guy handing out Sprint flyers: Free camera phone! Soon you’ll be eating the robots!

–Outside Sprint, Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Deby

Hipster girl, addressing iPhone campers: You’re waiting for a phone?! I can understand if it was for cupcakes…

–Prince & Greene

Overheard by: non-mac nerd

Wednesday One-Liners Have Anti-Game

I-banker: It’s not so much finding girls — there are girls all over the place. It’s more finding girls who will have sex with you.

–52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: NCS

Dude on cell: Yeah, I got this boy here — he’s been celibate for two years. He likes Latin girls. Do you have any?

–Tattoo parlor, 6th Ave, near W 4th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Queer on cell: God, it’s like he’s so busy being transgender he’s got no time for sex anymore. [In a falsetto] Oh, call me ‘Meghan’ from now on. [Normal voice] Fuck that! I’m gay for a reason, you know?

–13th & 6th

Teenybopper: Ugh, I was such a prude in fifth grade.

–Beacon’s Closet, Park Slope

Overheard by: Ruby

Equal-Opportunity Wednesday One-Liners

Sex kitten on cell: … Body shots with hot, Brazilian, bi girls? Check.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McN.

Man on cell: … And now she likes girls, so what am I supposed to do?

–86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Karolyn

NYU broad: I figure I’ve got three more years before it’s not experimenting anymore… Of course I let him fuck me. If I didn’t, it’d just be like fucking a girl!

–NYU Silver Center

Guy on cell: I’m telling you, she slept with someone else in my bed… It was another woman… Well, she said it didn’t count.

–Outside Circus Bar, 43rd & 8th

Overheard by: tommy z

Teen boy recounting a fight at a school dance: … And so I told them, ‘Niggas better not fight, or my hand will be bisexual tonight, and I will slap you bitches!’

–J train

Hot chick on cell: How are we not millionaires with all our combined knowledge of meatotomy, Vegas, and bisexuality?

–Harlem

Overheard by: McNasty

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Potty

Man leaving bathroom stall: I did it my way!

–420 5th Ave

Loud 12-year-old girl in stall, screaming to friends by the sinks: Is it bad that my pee is, like, foamy?

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jenn

Young girl exiting porta-potty: I feel sick. I guess I shouldn’t have looked down.

–Prospect Park

Kid in stall: Dad, I’m peeing with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed!

–Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: Sean Bogart

Woman running into bathroom: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to pee! [Enters stall] Phew! Come on… [Starts peeing, then sighs] Oh, thank you, dear Lord, for this glorious opportunity!

–Staten Island Ferry terminal

Overheard by: amila, NOT the Lord

Girl in stall, answering cell: Hello? What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was totally masturbating when you called.

–Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners for the Naked Cowboy

Old man on cell: Okay, well, I’m going to let you go. I’m seeing Spring Awakening, and I have to get settled and take my clothes off before the show starts.

–Eugene O’Neill Theater

Overheard by: Miki

Woman on cell: Mark, unless I undressed you, I don’t need your help!

–Outside CBS Broadcast Center, W 57th St

Fully-clothed little boy running with friend: I feel naked!

–Battery Park

Chick: You can still laugh with your shirt off.

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: wondering why this even needed to be said

Banker: Hermione better nude up for the next Harry Potter.

–60 Wall St

Hoochie: Let me tell you, there is a huge difference between a generally good party and a generally good party with naked girls.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Steve

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