Wednesday One-Liners Vary

They Call Wednesday One-Liners Aaron Burr ‘Cause of How They Drop Hamiltons

Man: There are just two problems. Number one, I can’t find anything to invest in. Number two, I have no money.

–Elevator, 56th & Lex

Overheard by: marisa

Man: So, what exactly does ‘You can win up to a million dollars’ mean?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Rachel P

Whiny waitress: You know that asshole Conan O’Brien. He didn’t tip me at all on a fifteen hundred dollar tab!

–Main St, Roosevelt Island

Subway prophet: You got your money? Lady, you got your money? You got your jewels? I ain’t gonna rob ya, but you can’t take it with you! You can’t take none of that with you! You got your fine things, but you can’t take that shit with you! Give it to me instead!

–3 train

Young man on cell: I’m thinking maybe I should marry the girl, ’cause she’s got lots of money… And I do kinda love her.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Abi

Mr. Holland’s Wednesday One-Liners

Queer black guy to white fag hag: My skin used to be much lighter, but then I joined the marching band.

–N train

Overheard by: Ashley

Loud woman: So, this guy kept trying to borrow the guitar, and I thought, Who is this guy? He was so strung out he could only play one chord, but Zach was like, ‘Hey, you’ve heard of the Rolling Stones?’ And I said yes, and he said, ‘Well, that was one of the Rolling Stones.’ It was Keith Richards!

–Hungarian Pastry Shop, 111th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: embly

Suit: Think of it as intercourse, not playing the guitar.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: chica_boom

Girl, about musical she just saw: This will sound really weird, but different instruments made me have to pee more. I was like, ‘Damn you, saxophone!’

–Starbucks

Crazy ‘Nam vet to pack of musician passersby: Musical instruments are the tools of professional rapists!

–Williamsburg Bridge

Overheard by: bort

Wednesday One-Liners Are Disoriented

Third grader: The only thing people know about New York the state is that Washington, DC is in it.

–Essex & Houston

Chick to friend: God, it’s not like we’re some third world country like Puerto Rico!

–33rd & 3rd

Overheard by: cait

Girl on cell: But I’m all the way downtown. I’m literally about as far downtown as you can get.

–13th & Broadway

Asian chick on cell: Amsterdam. It’s in Sweden… Or Switzerland… Oh, I don’t know. I have to go now.

–1 train, UWS

Overheard by: minerfa

Little girl looking at a Queens bus map: Donde esta Bolivia?

–Q38 bus, Elliot Ave, Queens

Overheard by: eMily

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Actually Expect Them to Answer

Hobo to dog: I can’t believe she swallowed my cum!

–69th & Columbus

Big, black man to small, white, yappy dog: Yeah, yeah, we know you’re badass.

–W 146th & St. Nick’s

UES lady to her pup chasing a mouse: Sweetie, don’t! I just brushed your teeth.

–UES

Overheard by: asaf

Hobo to small white dog: Gimme all yo’ money!

–Burger King, 42nd St, between 8th & 9th

Guy to muzzled Pit Bull: It’s your fault, not mine, that you’re wearing that!

–11th & University

Lady to her dog barking at Hispanic maintenance guy: Quiet or you will have a time out!

–UES

Little girl in stroller to dog: Hi, Mister Puppy! Where are your pants?!

–Outside Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Overheard by: cara

Wednesday One-Liners Want the Epidural

JAP: Wait… So, does that mean I was pregnant?

–Bloomingdales

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Ghetto chick on cell: I think it’s a bad idea to be friends with a girl who’s pregnant. It might just rub off on you!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Derrick

Jamaican queer to fag hag: You need to button that up or you gonna end up pregnant!

–W 44th St

Overheard by: Ivan

Black guy to white man and white preggers wife: Yo, you got her all knocked up!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: phia

Man saying good-bye to gal pals: Get pregnant!

–Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: Lillian

Wednesday One-Liners Love Pussy

Well-dressed lady to homely man: No, I have to go. I’m herding cats here.

–Prince & Broadway

Girl on first date: Yeah, and so sometimes I let my cat lick my nipples…

–Outside Pratt Institute

Black teen to her gaggle of pals: She has fuckin’ lupus, and her pussy smells like cat!

–69th & 1st

Overheard by: Erica

Pretty girl: All the boys in New York have a broken heart… And a cat.

–Court St, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Ethan

Man eating sandwich: This meat tastes like cat balls. This ain’t meatballs, it’s cat balls! It tastes like cat!

–Subway restaurant, 23rd & Madison

Overheard by: quickly losing my appetite

Frat guy on cell: You’ll never guess what happened! Smoky came back! … Yeah, it’s good. He’s all like, ‘Meow, meow,’ and I’m all like, ‘Shut up!’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jess

Bluetooth Wednesday One-Liners

Chick yelling out window of hybrid SUV: I’m a better driver than you, and I’m texting at the same time!

–Westside Hwy

Overheard by: Glad I’m walking

Black guy to no one in particular: Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [Taps on cab window] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [To a little girl in stroller] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?

–58th & 9th

Overheard by: Jofo

Secretary-General of the model UN: Before we go, this phone was found in the bathroom — it’s a pink RAZR… It says ‘Stud muffin’ on it.

–United Nations

Crazy guy handing out Sprint flyers: Free camera phone! Soon you’ll be eating the robots!

–Outside Sprint, Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Deby

Hipster girl, addressing iPhone campers: You’re waiting for a phone?! I can understand if it was for cupcakes…

–Prince & Greene

Overheard by: non-mac nerd

Wednesday One-Liners Have Anti-Game

I-banker: It’s not so much finding girls — there are girls all over the place. It’s more finding girls who will have sex with you.

–52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: NCS

Dude on cell: Yeah, I got this boy here — he’s been celibate for two years. He likes Latin girls. Do you have any?

–Tattoo parlor, 6th Ave, near W 4th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Queer on cell: God, it’s like he’s so busy being transgender he’s got no time for sex anymore. [In a falsetto] Oh, call me ‘Meghan’ from now on. [Normal voice] Fuck that! I’m gay for a reason, you know?

–13th & 6th

Teenybopper: Ugh, I was such a prude in fifth grade.

–Beacon’s Closet, Park Slope

Overheard by: Ruby

Equal-Opportunity Wednesday One-Liners

Sex kitten on cell: … Body shots with hot, Brazilian, bi girls? Check.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McN.

Man on cell: … And now she likes girls, so what am I supposed to do?

–86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Karolyn

NYU broad: I figure I’ve got three more years before it’s not experimenting anymore… Of course I let him fuck me. If I didn’t, it’d just be like fucking a girl!

–NYU Silver Center

Guy on cell: I’m telling you, she slept with someone else in my bed… It was another woman… Well, she said it didn’t count.

–Outside Circus Bar, 43rd & 8th

Overheard by: tommy z

Teen boy recounting a fight at a school dance: … And so I told them, ‘Niggas better not fight, or my hand will be bisexual tonight, and I will slap you bitches!’

–J train

Hot chick on cell: How are we not millionaires with all our combined knowledge of meatotomy, Vegas, and bisexuality?

–Harlem

Overheard by: McNasty

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Potty

Man leaving bathroom stall: I did it my way!

–420 5th Ave

Loud 12-year-old girl in stall, screaming to friends by the sinks: Is it bad that my pee is, like, foamy?

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jenn

Young girl exiting porta-potty: I feel sick. I guess I shouldn’t have looked down.

–Prospect Park

Kid in stall: Dad, I’m peeing with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed!

–Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: Sean Bogart

Woman running into bathroom: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to pee! [Enters stall] Phew! Come on… [Starts peeing, then sighs] Oh, thank you, dear Lord, for this glorious opportunity!

–Staten Island Ferry terminal

Overheard by: amila, NOT the Lord

Girl in stall, answering cell: Hello? What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was totally masturbating when you called.

–Union Square

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