Wednesday One-Liners Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil

Jew: He died for your sins! Bruce Lee died of a questionable overdose of aspirin for your sins!

–Central Park

Overheard by: AJ

Dude passing street meat cart: Mmm… I want whatever dead animal that is!

–53rd & 3rd

Blonde WASP on cell: It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even go onto the porch anymore, because the dead bodies are attracting so many flies.

–Washington Square

Little girl: Daddy, you have to do something interesting before you die!

–86th & Broadway

Hipster: Until I was 10 I thought my grandmother killed my grandfather with red velvet cake.

–Smith & Degraw, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Exploding Cake

Posted on August 15, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Volk-One-Reich-One-Führer-Liners

Young girl to older man: Sir, I don’t think it’s fair to compare Greenpeace to the Nazis.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Nick

Teen girl to friend: Oh, I know about the Great Depression! That’s when Hitler’s wife poisoned her kids and then shot herself. She was really depressed.

–Colombus Library, 50th & 10th

Hipster chick: We’re neutral like Switzerland, except we do more business with the Nazis, or, in this case, your mother.

–Forsyth & Houston

Teen son to mom: So, how’s Hitler doing?

–2 train

Posted on August 8, 2007
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Wednesday H. One-Liners!

Tourist fighting crowd and accosted by preacher with flyers: ‘Cause it’s not crowed enough without Jesus on the sidewalk?!

–Times Square, 45th & 7th

Hoochie: It is hard to think about Jesus with a dick in your mouth.

–O’Connor’s Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Was just watching the game until I heard that

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, today I’d like to talk to you about our Lord. Now, let’s be honest, you all look beaten, you look broken, you need the light of the Almighty. Well, for just five cents a day I can bring Jesus into your life. Just five cents in my cup and you can have our savior for the rest of the day. Don’t be shy — you can all have Jesus for the entire month if you want.

–Crowded S train leaving Grand Central

Four-year-old boy waving at Evan Almighty poster: Hi, Jesus!

–63rd Dr, Rego Park station

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus Christ is driving this train.

–F train

Middle schooler: When I die I’m gonna go to heaven and ask Jesus if Santa Claus is real, and then I’m gonna laugh in your face!

–Fort Tyron Park

Overheard by: E.F. Schubert

Posted on August 8, 2007
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There’s a Thin Line between Love and Wednesday One-Liners

Wailing little kid in leggings: I hate my life! I hate my life!

–N 4th & Bedford, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Alison

Small chick to big guy: What? Hold it. Stop — you just told me that you hate all of my favorite fruits…

–Orchard & Delancey, LES

Dude to chick: The only reason I like you is because you don’t hate me when I fart in your face.

–Hudson & Perry

Hobo: People hate each other… so they get married.

–Platform, 53rd & 5th

Overheard by: Nick

Suit: Ah, young people in love… I hate you all.

–Carl Schultz Park

Posted on August 8, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners — So Meaty!

MTA lady to another: I thought he had an earring in his tongue, but it was a meatball! It was like a little extra piece of meat on his tongue!

–3 train station

Chick: Gosh, they keep the kosher kitchen security so tight. What would they do if I just ran in there and touched everything with pork?

–Hewitt dining hall, Barnard College

Overheard by: laughed inside

Bimbette: Yeah, she’s a vegetarian now. No turkey, no meat — nothing. But I don’t know what she’s gonna do at Thanksgiving, because my aunt makes the best eggplant. Wait — is eggplant meat?

–A train

Overheard by: nas

Dude: This girl I know is vegan. She was ordering soup and asked if it had meat in it. It did, and she was pissed… And then I found five dollars!

–23rd & Madison

50-ish woman on cell: The sausages, the arguing… He won’t be back.

–Court St & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: lisa Santandrea

Really tall guy folding himself into a Toyota Corolla: Don’t let me forget — I have a pocket full of meat!

–7th St, between Ave A & B

Overheard by: Siobhan

Posted on August 8, 2007
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They Call Wednesday One-Liners Aaron Burr ‘Cause of How They Drop Hamiltons

Man: There are just two problems. Number one, I can’t find anything to invest in. Number two, I have no money.

–Elevator, 56th & Lex

Overheard by: marisa

Man: So, what exactly does ‘You can win up to a million dollars’ mean?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Rachel P

Whiny waitress: You know that asshole Conan O’Brien. He didn’t tip me at all on a fifteen hundred dollar tab!

–Main St, Roosevelt Island

Subway prophet: You got your money? Lady, you got your money? You got your jewels? I ain’t gonna rob ya, but you can’t take it with you! You can’t take none of that with you! You got your fine things, but you can’t take that shit with you! Give it to me instead!

–3 train

Young man on cell: I’m thinking maybe I should marry the girl, ’cause she’s got lots of money… And I do kinda love her.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Abi

Posted on August 8, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Money & Class, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Mr. Holland’s Wednesday One-Liners

Queer black guy to white fag hag: My skin used to be much lighter, but then I joined the marching band.

–N train

Overheard by: Ashley

Loud woman: So, this guy kept trying to borrow the guitar, and I thought, Who is this guy? He was so strung out he could only play one chord, but Zach was like, ‘Hey, you’ve heard of the Rolling Stones?’ And I said yes, and he said, ‘Well, that was one of the Rolling Stones.’ It was Keith Richards!

–Hungarian Pastry Shop, 111th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: embly

Suit: Think of it as intercourse, not playing the guitar.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: chica_boom

Girl, about musical she just saw: This will sound really weird, but different instruments made me have to pee more. I was like, ‘Damn you, saxophone!’

–Starbucks

Crazy ‘Nam vet to pack of musician passersby: Musical instruments are the tools of professional rapists!

–Williamsburg Bridge

Overheard by: bort