Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Really Just Surf the Internet All Day

20-something chick: You know, Hillary, this is the time in your life when you can go to work hung over.

–Shiki, St. Mark’s & 1st

Overheard by: Alison R.

Subway musician: Hey, boys and girls, today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. Yeah, take your kid to work, leave them, and go to TGI-Friday’s! Read the contract, kids!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Scott

Black man on cell: What ’bout that shorty you work with? No, not the thick one… Yeah, the juicy one.

–Elevator, 605 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Sudden urge to eat steak

Tall man on cell: I wasn’t drinking on the job! I was drinking before the job even started!

–Liberty & Church

Overheard by: pollie

Girl to boyfriend: Can’t you be good at something besides getting fired?

–36th & Madison

Honor Thy Father and Wednesday One-Liners

Woman, about guy in giant pirate hat: Maybe he works in a seafood restaurant… It’s that or his mom didn’t love him enough.

–Ditmars stop, N train

Overheard by: fan of the hat

Woman to friend: I don’t deserve to have ACS called on me! I’m a good mom! Sort of.

–Astoria Park Track, Astoria

Overheard by: Bridgettttttt

Loud man on cell: Can you hear me? Your mother! Can you hear me now? No? Your mother!

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Loud and Clear

Large black lady running down crowded street: My mama didn’t raise me right!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: anna

Wednesday One-Liners Work Just Like Ipecac

Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: #2

Drunk guy: Yeah, I’d pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.

–5th & Ave B

Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin’ the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin’ mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.]

–Classroom, 106th & 1st

Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!

–JFK

Overheard by: Ladle

Say Hello to My Little Wednesday One-Liner!

Girl on cell: I don’t like you, bye. No, I really don’t like you. You’re not my friend. Bye. No, I don’t like you!

–Manhattan-bound Q train

Overheard by: I love you too… now shut up!

Security guard on phone: I have a lot of friends… I have a lot of friends. I don’t need to live with my friends, under my house.

–Columbia University

Girl on cell: All I heard all night was, ‘Oh my god, that’s Rachel. I used to date her sister’s roommate!’ And, ‘Oh my god, that’s Evan. Her brother went to camp with my ex-girlfriend’s cousin!’ I’m either gonna have to learn how to fake-play Jewish geography, or find myself some non-Jewish friends… Yes, I realize neither of those is possible.

–33rd & 7th

Drunk lunatic screaming at another: Do you wanna die?! Or do you wanna be my friend?!

–31st & Broadway

Overheard by: please don’t make me choose!

Conductor: Excuse me! Excuse me! A little frottage amongst friends never hurt anyone!

–Crowded Metro-North, New Haven Line

Overheard by: vanessa

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Doctor’s Note

Chick to another: She’s a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don’t think she goes to her rabbi’s high, but…

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: cole

Professor: … So the art department on the set just smokes pot all day and paints blue boulders.

–Media Productions class, City College

Mini thug: Yo, I wouldn’t even have to be high out of my mind to enjoy this shit!

–Brooklyn Cyclone, Coney Island

Overheard by: Alie

Smoking model on cell: Um, yeah, he’s cute… But, duh — he’s addicted to opiates!

–Houston & Laffayette

Overheard by: Jake

Hobo to girls: How are you smiling in a city filled with a million crackheads?

–56th & 5th

Guy on a rant in front of Imagine mosaic: In my next life I want to be an amoeba! Make more music, smoke more pot… Eating healthily is expensive! We should all have 40 acres and a mule and start all over!

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Overheard by: I’ll have what he’s having

What Shall I Liken to Thee, O Wednesday One-Liners?

New school guy trying to impress girl: You have got to try it. It will change your life. It’s like a more mature Smirnoff Ice.

–19th & 8th

Dude on cell: … And then they beat me down, like little monkeys.

–E 7th & Ave H

Fat lady on escalator: He used to be a good-looking guy ’til he lost all his teeth. Now he’s like Skeletor with death-breath.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Actor: Thanks for letting me borrow your phone. Oh, let me wipe my sweat off of it. I sweat like a Southerner in a spelling bee.

–Loews

Overheard by: kristin

Party-goer: I saved my eye crud for years. You know, that stuff you get in your eyes every morning? And we made this guy eat it. With milk. It was like human Grape Nuts!

–S 5th St

Wednesday One-Liners Did Not Chop Down That Cherry Tree

Girl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I’m with a client right now so I really can’t talk, okay?

–50th & 6th

Overheard by: Carol

Teen on cell looking at dresses: I’m just walking out of a movie theater… A movie theater!

–Banana Republic, 5th Ave

Overheard by: not at the movies

Thug to pissed girl on cell: Yo, I’m, like, dumb far right now, baby. I’m in, like, Brooklyn [gets into pimped-out car with friends pouring Arbor Mist into McDonald’s cups and speeds off].

–106th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wendy Darling

Asian teen on cell: Hey, Emma, I’m back in Chicago! Yeah, want to hang out tomorrow?

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Thugette on cell: I ain’t tryin’ to hear that! You know how I know you lyin’? ‘Cause I just heard it say ‘Stand by while your call is connected.’ You know what that means? That means you in jail, nigga. Don’t give me no shit that you’re in Chicago for the week.

–39th & Lex

Overheard by: Adrian

Wednesday One-Liners Have Loose Lips

Lady suit: Trevor is one of those ‘close talkers.’ He’s got to respect my personal space because his breath always smells like pussy.

–C train, 14th St

Overheard by: I am safe in my space.

Chubby girl: Oh, shit, yo! My pussy came out! My pussy came out!

–Coney Island Beach

Thrilled girl: Remember when you had a funeral for my vagina on the subway?

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: not mourning that one

26-year-old girl: My mother has the vagina of a 25-year-old!

–18th & 10th

Stripper to man: I just had a foot up my pussy, so I’m allowed to be mean.

–21st & 5th

Overheard by: ryan

Chick: Vaginas do not have taste buds.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Megan

Put Your Hands Down My Wednesday One-Liners and I Bet You’ll Feel Nuts

Teen: There’s a world war in my pants, and everyone’s invited!

–Ft. Greene Pl

Overheard by: Liz

Mini thug to girls: Damn, bitches, slow down! You know a nigga can’t walk in these pants.

–Queens

Hot chick: I’m just so sick of putting on pants.

–E train, WTC

Overheard by: inothernews

Cougar: She pulled down his pants and there it was, like a machine gun! Just hangin’ there. Rat-a-tat-tat. It was that big.

–Blue & Gold, East Village

Overheard by: Evan

Man with hands down pants: I’m sorry… My penis is too long for these pants.

–62nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Caissie

Wednesday Wrote the Book on One-Liners

Suit on cell: Well, I’m in Barnes and Noble right now, actually [picks up skin care product]. Well, I was thinking about getting the Bill Clinton book…

–Sephora, Union Square

Dude: Are those people speaking sign language? That would be really cool… Although, there wouldn’t be much point in them coming to a bookstore, unless they’re in the braille section…

–Barnes & Noble

NYU girl on cell: Ugh! He keeps giving me all these books to read, and I feel like my mind is like, ‘Okay, I get it. You’re gay and that’s fine…’ But my body’s like, ‘I don’t get it — you want me to sit on this book so you can fuck me?’

–Washington Square

Lady on cell: Is that why you mad at me? Because you can’t read? Damn!

–34th & Broadway

Overheard by: sj

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