Creepster #1: So, I wrote her an e-mail that said, ‘Your titties look really nice. They look really succulent.’
Creepster #2: You wrote ‘succulent’?
Creepster #1: Yeah, I said, ‘Your titties look succulent in photo number five.’
Creepster #2: That’s fucked up.
Creepster #1: I know, but…
–Union & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: crowin
Lady with disposable camera prominently featuring ‘Flash’ label: Does this camera have a flash?
Employee, to cashier: Does this have a flash?
Cashier, not looking: Yes.
Employee: This has a flash.
Lady: Are you sure? [To her mother] I hope this has a flash.
–CVS, Kings Hwy & Nostrand Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: The Yankee
Woman #1: Have you read [some book]?
Woman #2: I don’t read books by white people — only books by black people.
Woman #1: What about books by black people pretending to be white people?
Woman #2, after long pause: I’m thinking.
–Target, Brooklyn
Mom: Please eat your dinner.
Brat: Mommy, you’re meaner than God.
–Restaurant, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Nikki Apostolou
Lawyer at deposition: What is your native language?
West Indian woman, offended: English!
Lawyer: Lady, you must speak some other language, because I’ve been questioning you for an hour and I haven’t understood a goddamn word you said.
–Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
D.A.R.E. volunteer: Sir, before you leave, would you please–
Rushing guy, interrupting: –Do I look like I just say no to drugs?
D.A.R.E. volunteer: We don’t pre-judge people.
–Outside Marshalls, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Overheard by: DARE to say yes
Eight-year-old boy: So they were poisoned?
Mom: Yes.
Eight-year-old boy: Like the monkey?
Mom: No, like the boy with the Tic Tacs.
Eight-year-old-boy: Oh.
–55 Water St
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
Swimming instructor to three-year-olds: Okay, guys, hug your boogie board to your body like your teddy bear. Kirk, do you have a teddy bear?
Kirk: Yes. I also have a moose that uses my daddy’s brain to talk.
–Red Hook Public Pool
Overheard by: ibenin’
Self-satisfied girl: I’m not sure how I feel about democracy. I mean, I enjoy the benefits, but it’s like they say, ‘Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the other ones.’
Dude: That’s great! Who said that?
Self-satisfied girl: That guy de Tocqueville. You know, that little prince guy that came over here for a while. He taught us so much about ourselves.
Dude: That is so interesting.
–Court & Dean
Overheard by: lish
Panhandler: I scored 50 bucks off those assholes today.
Drug dealer: Sweet. You wanna buy some pot?
Panhandler: Yup. Gimme 50 bucks worth.
–St. John’s Pl & Underhill Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: someone who always suspected this
