Dude #1: Hey, smell my breath.
Dude #2: Holy shit, man! What have you been eating?!
Dude #1: Kate’s ass!
–C train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Dude #1: Hey, smell my breath.
Dude #2: Holy shit, man! What have you been eating?!
Dude #1: Kate’s ass!
–C train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Ghetto girl #1: Damn, girl, I felt like I was drunk or something!
Ghetto girl #2: Nigga, you was drunk! You was drunk as fuck!
–G train
Overheard by: Jodi
Queer #1: Oooh, honey, you have an eyelash on you. Here, let me get it for you. Okay, now blow on it. [Queer #2 blows.] Come on, now, I’ve seen you blow harder than that. Hehehe. [Blows again.] There you go, honey. So, what did you wish for? You can tell me. I wanna know!
Queer #2: No, I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. It’s a deep, dark secret and I won’t tell you. Ever.
Queer #1: Well, I’ll tell you what I would wish for. A unicorn horn. And you know where I’d put it. Yeah, down there.
Queer #2: Oh, man, that’s an accident waiting to happen. And then a trip to the hospital.
–F train, W 4th St
Catholic school girl #1: Stop itching it!
Catholic school girl #2: I just can’t help it — it hurts. I’m having serious bowel problems!
–N train
Overheard by: stephanie
Lady #1: I stopped myself from buying a snack today.
Lady #2: Oh, yeah? And how’d you do that?
Lady #1: I said, ‘Self, don’t buy a snack.’
–Ditmars-bound N train
Overheard by: Carmen
Young man #1: You are better qualified for the job, right?
Young man #2: Yeah, but you know Father McLeavy is a clergical whore.
–B train
Chick: One of my compatible matches looked like he must have been captain of his Dungeons and Dragons club back in school, and he said that he recently cut off his hair and donated it to Locks of Love, which is a nice thing to do, but then I had to imagine what he would look like with this horrible ponytail…
Guy: Like a music major ponytail, or, no– an AV Squad?
Chick: Yeah, exactly. So, needless to say, I deleted that match.
Dude with long hair, beret, beard, trench coat, and glasses standing nearby: I’m going home and changing my MySpace page right now.
–4 train
Overheard by: megwal
Guy: Are you okay?
Girl, looking sickly: Oh, I’m fine.
Guy: Okay, as long as nothing untoward happens.
Girl: You mean, like, toward your crotch?
Guy: Um, what?
Girl: Don’t worry, I won’t throw up on you or try to give you head.
Guy: Uh, okay…
–F train
Five-year-old: Ella, ella, ella, ella, ella, ella…
Suit dad: Alright, look! I don’t know what that means, but if it’s a bad word I want you to stop saying it!
–F train, 23rd St
Overheard by: EmLo
Headline by: Lou P.
Runners-Up:
· “Don’t Fucking Sensor Me, Daddy” – burnt toast
· “Gwen Stefani, Age Five, No Doubt.” – kerm
· “I’m Going to Keep Saying My Name Until You Learn It, Daddy” – Kate
· “Stick to Words I Know, Like “Cock-fag” or “Yankees”” – Louis
Queer #1: Is your friend coming this weekend?
Queer #2: Which one?
Queer #1: The ugly one. [Queer #2 stares, offended.] I’m sorry, but he is butt-ugly.
–Bronx-bound A train
