Rumor Has It

Thanks, Brainiac — Now We’ll Never Know What His Cock Was Like

Blonde sex addict: I mean, I met him at my AA meeting. That’s truly what kept me going there.
Brunette sex addict: Hey, whatever keeps you in the program.
Blonde sex addict: Yeah, but after we made love the third time, I just knew he was a survivor of incest, and since I am a survivor I can just tell. I mean, he didn’t tell me or anything, but I knew.
Brunette sex addict: Oh… But was the sex good?
Blonde sex addict: Ohhh, yeah. I mean, it was hot — since we are both addicts. I mean, his cock was sooo–
Father with four young kids, interrupting: –Stop! Have you people no souls?!
Blonde sex addict: … So, yeah — I’ll be at the meeting Friday and Monday, too…

–1 train, after a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting

She’s Been Known to Eat Deodorant Cakes Out of Urinals

Cashier #1: … And then she told me she got high on ecstasy by accident last night.
Cashier #2: By accident?
Cashier #1: Yeah. She was at his house and saw a little white thing on the coffee table, and that bitch thought it was a mint.

–Todaro Bros. Grocery, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: A

Nothing a Bouquet of Flowers or Some Vagisil Can’t Fix

Chick: She’s a little angry right now.
Guy: Who, my mom or your cooch?

–4 train

Overheard by: Rachie

But Aren’t You Her Only Cousin?

Daughter: Yeah, didn’t she fall into a manhole?
Mom: No, that was her retarded cousin.
Daughter: That seems about right.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: Gwen

Well, They All Shit. We’ll Have to Wait and See on Your Other Prediction.

Puerto Rican thug: Yo, where’s yo’ baby at?
Puerto Rican thugette: He home with my baby daddy. Don’t you know my baby daddy?
Puerto Rican thug: Word… Where’s yo’ otha friend at?
Puerto Rican thugette: Oh, she havin’ a baby, too, but that girl be doin’ mad drugs. Baby gonna be all retarded and shit.

–Bodega, S 2nd & Driggs

Overheard by: gentrify

Jeff Housebroken? Never Happen.

Woman #1: I told Jeff the best way he could propose to me would be to tie the ring around the neck of a cute puppy…
Woman #2: Housebroken.
Woman #1: Right.

–10th & 6th

Overheard by: Don

Moldova? EU!

Geek #1: I can’t believe Romania just got accepted into the European Union!
Geek #2: What do you know? Next thing they’ll even take Moldova.

–50th & Broadway

Jingleheimer Schmidt Is Especially Kinky

Chick on cell: Oh, I have a few Johns. [To guy friend next to her, who laughs] Oh, shut up! [Into cell] No, but really, I do.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Nik

Would You Like to Go Ahead of Me?

Guy #1: I can’t believe I’m back here. It has been such a long time.
Guy #2: Why? You’ve been traveling?
Guy #1: Nope — prison.

–Penn Station

So Joanie’s a Dyke and Henry’s 400 Pounds — That Was Way Too Easy

Woman #1: Oh, my son, Henry, never wears jeans. He thinks they are too itchy.
Woman #2: Well, what does he wear, then?
Woman #1: We can only buy him soft pants.
Woman #2: Oh, well my daughter only wears one-piece bathing suits, but we bought her some bikinis today, and when we got home she said, ‘I’d rather bite off all my toenails than wear those.’

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Chris Storey

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