Guy #1: Are there white chicks walking around Harlem these days?
Guy #2: Yeah, man — Harlem’s like a salad topped with tasty white croutons!
–23rd & 6th
Guy #1: Are there white chicks walking around Harlem these days?
Guy #2: Yeah, man — Harlem’s like a salad topped with tasty white croutons!
–23rd & 6th
Student: Old people sex?! Ewww!
71-year-old professor: Don’t you know that old people fuck like rabbits? We love it!
–NYU
Overheard by: Ash
Blinged-out teen #1: You know, I heard for every ten pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your dick.
Blinged-out teen #2: Damn! Imagine if Ricky lost weight!
–1 train
Young hipster #1: So, there’s this really smart kid in the tenth grade, and he wrote an extra chapter to Slaughterhouse Five, and Kurt Vonnegut is going to publish it!
Young hipster #2: Nice, man.
–Academy Records
Overheard by: x-tina
Boy #1: When I’m in high school, I’ll only be able to get blowjobs standing up!
Boy #2: Rad.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Joe Coleman
Middle-aged black lady: Those are some nice pants.
Latino dude: Yeah, I’m buying it for Jack’s* wedding tomorrow.
Middle-aged black lady: Didn’t he just get out of high school?
Latino dude: Well, he’s 22 now. He’s marrying his old Health teacher. She’s 28.
Middle-aged black lady: He… He was her student?
Latino dude: Yeah! The first day of class she kicked him out because he was being an asshole. He was like, ‘Suck this dick and lick these balls, biotch!’
Middle-aged black lady: Well, I guess she took his advice.
Latino dude: Yeah. Life’s funny like that…
–JCPenny
Overheard by: Everyone else gets the cool teacher
Suit, in serious tone: So yeah, he’s from Mars. No, excuse me, he’s from Jupiter. Sorry.
Lady suit, interested: Oh, yeah?
Suit: Yeah! And the weird thing is, he’s married!
–Sushi restaurant
Overheard by: I’m from Venus
Middle-aged woman #1: Our waitress is so nice.
Middle-aged woman #2: A bit stern, though — very serious.
Middle-aged Jewish man: Must be from the Soviet Union.
–Diner, Queens
Queer dance instructor: Okay, girls, now here’s a little move I learned in my home town back in West Virginia… [Girls look hesitant.] God, why does everybody look so scared when I mention West Virginia? It’s not a scary place, I swear!
–American Dance and Drama Studio, Union Tpke
Overheard by: Lindsay
Guy #1: Okay, so this news I have to tell you…
Guy #2: Yeah…
Guy #1: You’re the first one I’m telling, so don’t mention this to anyone yet — I wanna be the one to break the news to everyone. It’s big. And I don’t want this to change anything between us or the guys — I’m still the same James*. But it just feels right… I feel like it’s time.
Guy #2, looking very uncomfortable: Uh, dude…
Guy #1: I know, you’re gonna tell me I’m crazy. But I’ve actually been thinking about it for a long time [pulls velvet box out of jacket and opens it to reveal huge diamond ring].
Guy #2: Whoa, bro…
Guy #1: Dude… I’m gonna ask Danielle to marry me.
Guy #2: Oh, Jesus. Dude, that’s awesome — that’s really great! Wonderful! I’m so happy for you!
Guy #1, accepting huge hug from guy #2: Wow, dude, you’re really happy about this.
Guy #2: Bro, you have no idea what I thought you were gonna say.
–Park bench, Central Park
Overheard by: Highlight of my day
