Wednesday One-Liners

The First Rule of Wednesday One-Liners Is “Don’t Talk about Wednesday One-Liners”

Suit on cell: I don’t understand — you’re a grown woman. Why did you start kicking him, and why are you still kicking him if he didn’t kick back?

–City Hall

Overheard by: Jenny

Ghetto girl on cell: … And I still have to punch her in the face for telling him I have TB.

–Bryant Park

Drunk mailman on cell: Oh, yeah, you really should come and hang out! I’m gonna kick someone’s ass tonight!

–13th & 3rd

Overheard by: rachel

Chick: Yeah, well, at least I don’t have to go to anger management classes, Mom!

–Central Park

Ghetto chick: Okay, I’ll see you later. Be safe, get home safe, and if you see Simone, smack her in the mouth for me.

–LIRR

Ghetto girl to white friend: You better not say, ‘Two paths diverged in a wood,’ or I’m gonna beat yo’ ass.

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Wednesday More-Than-One-Liners

Girl to friends: Yeah, I heard she had a threesome and then kicked him in the face.

–Taste of China

Hot blonde: We’ve shared way too much of too many men.

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Italian guy on cell: Okay, if twins have a threesome, is it incest or masturbation? Well, I think they should cancel each other out, so that makes it okay, right? So should I ask her, then?

–96th & 3rd

Overheard by: Haggs

20-ish guy: Just think of that: two niggas and three bitches. That’s a ménage and a half, son.

–A train

Chick on cell: Awww, we missed the gang bang! … I had a bagel for dinner.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McNasty

Wednesday One-Liners Get Blood All Over Their Clown Suits

Biotech, indignantly: I didn’t have sex when I was 13! I waited ’til I was 14.

–Doma Cafe & Gallery, Perry St

Overheard by: Kate

Hairstylist, joking with customer in chair: Yeah, I mean, prepubescent and androgynous was so last season. [Thinks for a moment, then] Actually, it really was.

–Soho

Overheard by: Sooo not last year

Hot chick shouting across intersection to friend: … And stop sleeping with underage boys!

–55th & Madison

Young father to twin toddler sons: That pigeon might be a pedophile.

–Outside Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: kritta

Wednesday One-Liners Are from Kentucky

Guy to friend: Nah, man, I can’t tomorrow — I gotta go to Victoria’s Secret with my niece.

–1 train

Overheard by: Your Mom

Man: … And so I says, ‘I don’t care if you’re my sister, you’re having the baby.’

–54 W 21st St

Overheard by: NickI

Chick: I think if you’re considering dating your cousin, which one you pick is the least of your problems.

–8th & Broadway

Girl on cell: It kinda sucks that you have a crush on your brother.

–Fordham University plaza

Overheard by: It’s not incest if he wants it… oh wait…

Chick to friend: I don’t care how horny you are, you never fuck your brother!

–56th St

Overheard by: Kerri Anne

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Even Fold Their Maps Properly

Girl: We should spend less money on the war in Iraq and use it to help countries like Africa.

–Principles of Economics lecture, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ed

Receptionist: I?m sorry, Mr. Jones* is out of the country… He went to Florida.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Effy

Vendor: Welcome to Coney Island!

–Union Square

Irish tourists: Which direction is the lake?

–West Broadway & Canal St

Overheard by: Confused

Woman: Yeah, it’s the five bureaus: Manhattan, Harlem, Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Amused

Wednesday One-Liners for Sale!

Teen girl to young boy: You can’t sell Fruit Roll-Ups and wear a Raiders hat at the same time.

–Taco Bell, W14th St

Overheard by: Heather Baharestani

Woman on cell: Just sell it for drug money!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Corner boy: From now on I’m only gonna sell weed in the mornings. In the afternoons I’m gonna buy it for myself.

–142nd & Amsterdam

Dad orbited by three energetic young boys, to nobody in particular: Kids for sale… Kids for sale…

–53rd & 2nd

Guy to girl waiting in car: … And don’t talk to any strange men selling jeans!

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rosangela

Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats

Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin’ Donuts?

–42nd St & Queens Blvd

Overheard by: court

Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.

–Yips, 18 Beaver St

Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards… Hell, I take white people’s shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl — I take phone numbers, too! … You like White Castle? Daaamn.

–Downtown 4/5 Train

Overheard by: Bemused Spectator

Girly man: So I’m like, ‘I’m at Tace Bell, and I don’t know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,’ and she’s like, ‘Is this an emergency?’ and I’m like, ‘No, but I paid for this service…’

–Bank of America

Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald’s of sex ads.

–Classified office, New York Observer

Overheard by: Seanzi

Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills

Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away… then that means she really likes you.

–Union Square

Dude: I’m needy and you do stuff for me. That’s how our relationship works.

–2nd Ave. & St. Mark’s Place

Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she’s definitely your type. She’s definitely your type… Yup, she’s bow-legged and pigeon-toed…

–16th & 6th

Boyfriend: Listen, you’re dissatisfied with me, and I’m dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.

–32nd & 6th

Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don’t wish that. I wish you’d like girls, but you’d find me so attractive that every time you’d even look at another girl, you’d find her ugly compared to me.

–36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Eryn

NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend — I don’t need a social life.

–Starbucks

Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom

Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.

–F train

Overheard by: trieze

Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo’ ass.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Deniz G

Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and… put your testicles on ice.

–W 58th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Jon A.

Old lady: You turn around and say ‘Excuse me’ or I’ll punch your fucking face in!

–42nd St and 5th Ave

Old man: … And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick — I would shove it through their spokes!

–2nd Ave station

Old bitter woman to husband: I don’t understand sex.

–72nd & 2nd

Overheard by: imsorry

Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time

Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin’ to be hip? You tryin’ to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?

–Prospect Park

Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let’s try this — how ’bout I throw you on the ground?!

–13th & 5th

Mother to chatty child: Don’t you have your pacifier? So pacify!

–Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn

Child-free woman to stranger’s crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.

–Throggs Neck, Bronx

Overheard by: Jeri

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