Words

Wednesday, As in “One-Liners”

Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette…

–Broadway-Lafayette platform

Man on cell: A is for fuckin’ apple!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Zarek

Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!

–6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That’s Q, as in ‘quickie…’ Which y’all better not be havin’ on my train!

–Q train to 57th St

Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in ‘zebra,’ or Z as in ‘xylophone’?

–Doctor’s office, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: Heavy D

Wednesday and Its One-Linericiousness

Black chick to friend: Are you sure you want to invite them? They aren’t re-niggers, are they? You know, niggers that renege a lot?

–Dressing room, Roosevelt Field Mall

Overheard by: horrified in the next dressing room

Guy on cell: They fucked with me! I need to get into those classes, and now I won’t graduate ’til… Neveruary!

–9th & 2nd

Bimbette on cell: But you can’t lollygag! You can’t even textygag!

–Metro-North

Professor: Hmmm… Blackboard is down… That could be problematical.

–Baruch College

Overheard by: I Am McLoVey

Young mom to squirming toddler: Why is you beastin’?

–Lexington Ave

Oh, Alanis, Are You Happy with Yourself?

Skinny girl #1: Have you ever seen fat people eat?
Skinny girl #2: Come to think of it, I haven’t.
Skinny girl #1: I know! Isn’t that what they call ironic?

–NYU

The Indefeasible Right to Fuck Up My Life

High school thug #1: Man, you doin’ any feasible shit?
High school thug #2: Feasible? What’s that?
High school thug #1: Feasible is that… That’s some shit, man.
High school thug #2: Naw, man, I ain’t been goin’ to school.

–C train, 86th St

Overheard by: Emily B.

I’ve Had It with These Motherfucking One-Liners on This Motherfucking Wednesday

Professor: Well, we’re all fucking crazy lunatic motherfuckers anyway, so why the fuck does it matter?

–NYU

Overheard by: observer

Angry black woman on cell: Yo, man, it’s like that old saying, ‘Don’t fuck with your employees, you motherfucker.’

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Damn Straight

Mom to infant waving bottle around: What the fuck? Are you fucking out of your mind?!

–Manhattan-bound Q train

Drunk next to wife: Hey! Where did those girls that I fucked go? Hey! I fucked you girls! What the fuck?

–LIRR

Conductor: Union Square, motherfuckers!

–Astoria-bound N train

Overheard by: Caroline & Skid

Angry Russian thug on cell: You want fuck? I give you fuck! I stab my cock into your heart!

–Houston & 2nd

Wednesday One-or-the-Other-Liners

Charity worker: Help the homeless! [Androgynous person walks by] Even a pretty girl… boy… whatever-that-was can help!

–Times Square

Chick, wistfully: That was Vadim. He was from St. Petersburg. When we broke up he stole all my dresses.

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Large black security guard, inspecting guy’s Sephora bag: You da man!

–Hayden Planetarium

Pierced 20-ish chick: So, the last time I pegged a guy he wouldn’t stop jabbering on and on about how much he loved trannies. It just made me shove in the strap-on harder.

–Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: Californian

Guy: I sirred a ma’am today. But, in my defense, she was a very sir-able ma’am.

–33rd & Broadway

I’m Regretting Removing the Tape from Your Mouth

Guy: You know — it’s Dow Jones and NASDAQ.
Girl: Who are they? Those guys that died?

–14th & Park Ave South

We’re Only Conformist about Keeping Kosher

Blonde: Do you have a first name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a last name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a middle name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: No.
Blonde: Well, I wanna annoy you. What’s your conformation name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: I’m Jewish.
Blonde: So?

–21st & 1st

Wednesday One-Liners Sharpen Their Shanks

Thugette on cell: Yeah, I’m planning on getting arrested this weekend. That’s my new thing now. Instead of going to the club and shit, I’m just going to get arrested.

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex

Metrosexual: Oh my god! Did you hear that Paris Hilton just escaped from prison?

–Broadway & Prince

Mom eating fried chicken: I always thought Penn Station stop was named after a penitentiary…

–A train

Overheard by: Denning

Mocking cop to dude he just arrested: You’ve got jail!

–West Village

How about the “My Little Cotton Pony Aisle”?

Woman: Why do they have to call it the ‘feminine care aisle’?
Friend: I know! Why can’t they just write ‘Tampons’?

–CVS, Park Ave South

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