Tourist guy: Excuse me! Are you a New Yorker?
Woman: No!
–34th & 7th
Man: Do you want to go into any of these shops?
Woman: Um…
Man: Oh, that’s a yes. Whenever a woman responds with anything other than an emphatic “no”, it means yes.
–78th & Madison
Guy #1: Frank was sneezing so loud I could hear him all the way inside.
Girl: Well, that explains the frown on the back of your face.
Guy #2: Do you even have a back of your face?
–Chambers Street station
Overheard by: James Q Wilson
Two guys and a girl enter the hospital and ask for the restroom. A few minutes later as they’re leaving the building the security guard talks to them.
Security guard: That’ll be $20.
Guy: What?
Security guard: Ain’t nothing for free at the hospital…unless you have an insurance card. Have a good night folks!
–Mount Sinai hospital, 5th Avenue
Overheard by: Vanilla
World-famous doctor: Do you know what I love? Dyslexic Black people. For instance, the other day a Black guy stopped me in his car as I was walking and asked me, “How do I get to the FRD?”.
–Tisch hospital, 33rd Street
Homo thug #1: Why you guys keep saying “cuss”? Isn’t it “swear”?
Homo thug #2: Cuss and swear are the same thing.
Homo thug #1: …nooooooo, really?
–Biscuit, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Mr. Tips
Older brother: Ha ha, you look like a mice.
Younger brother: You don’t even know how to speak. You’re supposed to say I look like a mouse.
Older brother: No, a mice is a mouse when it’s still little.
–Gristedes, Henry Street
Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says “Train for jobs in biotch.”
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?
–1 train
Overheard by: Manhattman
Girlfriend: It’s just because she’s so…unconventional.
Boyfriend: By “unconventional”, do you mean “pretty”?
–86th & Park
Overheard by: CStix
Fat guy #1: Yeah, she’s from Italy, she went to Venus to visit her grandmother.
Fat guy #2: Venus? How do you get to Venus?
Fat guy #1: Gondola.
–Grand Central food court
Overheard by: Muffy St. Jacques
Tourist fratboy #1: It said “Free Stress Test.”
Tourist fratboy #2: What’s Dianetics, anyway?
–Times Square
Overheard by: KN
Man #1: …so it was like a gilded lily.
Man #2: Ha ha. What does that mean, exactly?
Man #1: Well, a lily is already beautiful, so it doesn’t have to be, y’know, gilded.
Man #2: Like the gays?
Man #1: Exactly.
–Xing, 9th Ave & 52nd St.
Overheard by: C. Marisol de la Rosa
