Ahhh! Real New Yorkers

Hmmm, It Just Says, “Run Away Screaming”

Woman with headphones: ‘Scuuuse me!
Bimbette: What?! I said, ‘Excuse me.’
Woman with headphones: Well, I have on headphones and shades, so obviously I didn’t see or hear you. Ever thought about tapping me on the shoulder, asshole?
Bimbette, opening book called, How to Become Fearless: Well, whatever. I’m already sitting down.
Woman with headphones: That book must being doing something good for your ego. Hope it has a chapter in there on what to do after you get smacked on the train for being fearless…

–A train

This Performance Art Is Made Possible through the Support of Viewers Like You

Man: Is she serious? Is this broad serious?
Hipster chick who bumped into him: You talkin’ to me?
Man: Yeah, lady, I am talkin’ to you!
Hipster chick: Hey, buddy, as if your fat ass doesn’t bump into people everywhere you go.
Man: Well, actually, if my ass was half as big as yours, I bet it would!
Hipster chick: You only wish you had my ass.
Man: Yeah, you’re right. [Pauses, then gets noticeably calmer] Good thing you’re from New York or I’d have to kick you in the face.
Hipster chick: I’m not from New York. I’m from Toronto.
Man: Where is that, Antarctica?! Get outta my face!

–2 train, CPW

Overheard by: ginger balls

Cheap Sex! Cupcakes! The Guillotine!

Lady: What are you all waiting for?
26th guy in line for iPhone: The new Harry Potter book.
27th guy in line: Shrek 4.
28th guy in line: Free crack. [Lady walks away.]

–AT&T store, Union Square

If You’re Gonna Be Rude, Be Sure It Lands

Lady: Gentlemen, please. Would you lower your voices? [Unruly teen unleashes stream of Spanish curses, then prepares to disembark.] Jack, do I look like I understood a word you said? All of that was wasted energy. Never insult anyone in a language they don’t know, because then it doesn’t mean shit.

–4 train, 161st St

Wait! You Need to Pay the Directions Tax

Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I’m looking for the actual square. Where’s the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square… Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can’t miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck.

–42nd & Broadway

It Was More of a Baton Handoff Than a Throw, Really

Desperate wannabe bridezilla: Let me ask you a question — if you’re at a wedding and the bride throws the bouquet directly to you instead of to the whole crowd, does it still count?
Friend: I don’t think any of it really counts.
Passerby: Way to kill the mood.

–Elevator, 11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Take Your Noble Eightfold Path Back to Jersey

Buddhist: Excuse me, sir, are you a New Yorker?
Obvious New Yorker: Go fuck yourself!

–Union Square

Overheard by: playtoe

Can You Google “Schmuck” Real Quick?

Tourist on cell: I am looking at a big board that says LIRR. This can’t be Pennsylvania station.
Commuter: Hey, schmuck — LIRR is in Penn Station.
Tourist on cell: Oh, I am in the right place. Someone was nice enough to give me directions.

–Penn Station

Reader Poll: Gay Man or Laundry Accident?

Chick #1: So I get him home, right, and he takes it off and he’s wearin’ lavendah undaweah…
Chick #2, cackling: My gawd!

–Bleecker

Overheard by: sadi heleina

They Really Should Have Rehearsed

Intercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard…
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my nigga, Antoine…
Intercom hijacker #1: And my nigga Ruiz…
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, nigga. Y’all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y’all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y’all can die… on a dick.

–6 train

Overheard by: pberg

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