Woman passerby: Come on, you fucking tourists! Get a life! It’s only a fucking cupcake!
Girl in line, mockingly: Oh my god, you’re making such an important social statement!
Old lady in line: Seriously, it’s not our fault she’s a fat bitch.
–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker St
Overheard by: KO
Tourist: Excuse me, ma’am? Can you tell me how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge?
Local, after long pause: Up two blocks, make a left. You can’t miss it.
–Union Square
Woman with headphones: ‘Scuuuse me!
Bimbette: What?! I said, ‘Excuse me.’
Woman with headphones: Well, I have on headphones and shades, so obviously I didn’t see or hear you. Ever thought about tapping me on the shoulder, asshole?
Bimbette, opening book called, How to Become Fearless: Well, whatever. I’m already sitting down.
Woman with headphones: That book must being doing something good for your ego. Hope it has a chapter in there on what to do after you get smacked on the train for being fearless…
–A train
Man: Is she serious? Is this broad serious?
Hipster chick who bumped into him: You talkin’ to me?
Man: Yeah, lady, I am talkin’ to you!
Hipster chick: Hey, buddy, as if your fat ass doesn’t bump into people everywhere you go.
Man: Well, actually, if my ass was half as big as yours, I bet it would!
Hipster chick: You only wish you had my ass.
Man: Yeah, you’re right. [Pauses, then gets noticeably calmer] Good thing you’re from New York or I’d have to kick you in the face.
Hipster chick: I’m not from New York. I’m from Toronto.
Man: Where is that, Antarctica?! Get outta my face!
–2 train, CPW
Overheard by: ginger balls
Lady: What are you all waiting for?
26th guy in line for iPhone: The new Harry Potter book.
27th guy in line: Shrek 4.
28th guy in line: Free crack. [Lady walks away.]
–AT&T store, Union Square
Lady: Gentlemen, please. Would you lower your voices? [Unruly teen unleashes stream of Spanish curses, then prepares to disembark.] Jack, do I look like I understood a word you said? All of that was wasted energy. Never insult anyone in a language they don’t know, because then it doesn’t mean shit.
–4 train, 161st St
Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I’m looking for the actual square. Where’s the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square… Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can’t miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck.
–42nd & Broadway
Desperate wannabe bridezilla: Let me ask you a question — if you’re at a wedding and the bride throws the bouquet directly to you instead of to the whole crowd, does it still count?
Friend: I don’t think any of it really counts.
Passerby: Way to kill the mood.
–Elevator, 11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Buddhist: Excuse me, sir, are you a New Yorker?
Obvious New Yorker: Go fuck yourself!
–Union Square
Overheard by: playtoe
Tourist on cell: I am looking at a big board that says LIRR. This can’t be Pennsylvania station.
Commuter: Hey, schmuck — LIRR is in Penn Station.
Tourist on cell: Oh, I am in the right place. Someone was nice enough to give me directions.
–Penn Station
