All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are Anything but Normal

Bimbette on cell: Well, I really need to go to Linens ‘n’ Things today, because when I move into my new apartment I’m going to need tons of, like, linens… ‘n’ things. Oh my god, that’s so weird!

–Outside Bed, Bath & Beyond, 19th & 6th

Mini thug: Yo, my mother is weird, son. All we be having is fruits and shit in our house — like we Jewish or somethin’.

–Chelsea Market

Overheard by: tiffb

Large black lady: You must have to look weird to work in this store… I haven’t seen a normal-looking person since we got here.

–GameStop, 33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Toria

Queer: Being gay is sooo weird.

–F train

Girl to friend: Making out with my brother was the weirdest thing of my life.

–79th St Crosstown Bus

Wednesday Will Be Cloudy with Intermittent One-Liners

UES lady: Over here it gets cold when it snows.

–71st & Madison

Man: It must be nice to have an umbrella that has some character.

–W 60th

Little boy, looking up at overcast sky: Daddy, I know it’s going to rain, because I’m burning.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chelsea

Lady pushing through crowd exiting during torrential rainstorm: Come on, people, it’s only water! Half of you could do with a fucking shower anyway!

–Police concert, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Dominick

Suit: No joke, that’s her real name? I thought only strippers and porn stars were named for seasons and weather conditions.

–28th & Park

Seminiferous Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: I didn’t have time to talk to her, but I had enough time to show her my balls.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Meagan Chen

Chick: Dude, that sucks balls. Wait, no, that sucks placentas.

–72nd & 5th

Frat boy yelling from taxi: Show us your balls!

–West Village

Little boy slamming G.I. Joe onto sidewalk: Kiss my ball sack, bitch!

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Chick: So, really, what does happen when you put ice on a guy’s balls?

–18th & Park

Banker: I want to get some coffee to dip my balls in. Then I’ll let you drink it. That’s how much I like you. I’d let you drink my ball coffee.

–21st floor, Wall St firm

There’s No Place Like Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to fancy lady: Will you take me home with you?

–1 train, 96th St

Woman to friend: I know you’re upset because you’re going home to an apartment without a urinal. I feel the same way. [Suddenly shouting] I’m not seven years old! I need a jacuzzi!

–1 train

Overheard by: Doc

Black suit to friend: I’m just gonna go home and pick my ass.

–Park Slope

Ice queen on cell: You listen to me, Maria — I know you stole those earrings, and if they aren’t back on my bureau when I get home, I’m having you deported!

–E 70th & Lex

Overheard by: MbigE

Angry woman on cell: Why do you keep calling me?! I am going to slap you! Stay home and wait ’til I get there so I can slap you!

–4th Ave platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: misspenny

Pretty girl to ugly drunk blocking her way: I’m not going home with you! What are you, a fucking idiot?

–Spring & Mott St

Overheard by: Azo

Rapunzel’s Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy to redhead: If I had red hair, I think that it would make me violent!

–5th Ave, Park Slope

B&T broad on cell: Well, I have to get my hair done if we’re going to the beach!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

JAP: He asked me to rub his chest hair. I was like, ‘Can I braid your chest hair, put little beads on it and make it shimmy so I can pretend I’m on vacation?’

–6 train

Girl to friend: I’d never want to be homeless, ’cause my hair would get greasy and that’d be way too uncomfortable.

–Washington Square Park

Barber cutting hippie’s hair: Well, there goes the revolution.

–Astor Barber Shop

Wednesday One-Liners Got All My Sisters and Me

Creepster: Have you ever ripped out your sister’s piercings?

–72nd & Brodway

Overheard by: Ariella

Girl to friend: … And my aunt told my cousin — who is a huge slut — she told her, ‘Girl, you’re nothing but a box with a hole in it!’

–Starbucks, Worth & Lafayette St

Massive black dude on cell: You know my daughter? The yellow one? She be out all night getting fucked by some dude at a crack house. At least her sister’s decent enough to tell me when she do shit like that.

–Forbidden Planet Comics

Man: Well, I put my sister in the ER the same number of times she put me in, so I figure we’re even.

–Delancey Bar

Overheard by: Nerf

Hipster: If you don’t want to hurt your grandparents’ feelings, but you’re too afraid to tell them you’re a homosexual, just tell them you graduated from SUNY Purchase.

–Metro-North to White Plains

Overheard by: Straight alumni

Single Wednesday One-Liner Seeks Soulmate

Chick on cell: The problem is there aren’t that many eligible bachelors who are dying.

–Queens Blvd, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Janet

Asian girl: Its okay for you to be shallow now, but if you’re 30 and unmarried, you should look into personality… Or income.

–3rd St & Ave A

Bimbette to guy friend: Do a handstand contest with her and you definitely have a date.

–LIRR

Overheard by: yogi

Girl on cell: Nooo, I didn’t mean that you were dating yourself in a bad way!

–DSW, 14th St

Overheard by: lish

Wednesday One-Liners Are Like the Village Bicycle

Drunk girl: I’m not a whore. I just like to have my crotch touched.

–Mercury Lounge, LES

Overheard by: Bmeyer

Hipster chick: I’ve got to say, I feel pretty healthy for someone who sleeps with a lot of strangers.

–Lobby, Dangerfield’s Comedy Club

Overheard by: alex

Girl on cell: Whenever I see a pregnant woman with an ankle tattoo, I figure that she must be a slut.

–Jamba Juice, Lex Ave near 61st St

White chick on cell: Hello, my little slut… Hello, my little slut! How are you?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Kerry

Nerdy chick: I have a theory that if I had a better body image, I’d be a whore.

–W Houston & 6th Ave

Waiter, There’s a Fly in My Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: I’m on my way to Outback Steakhouse! No one knows I go there.

–E 13th & 5th

Mom to teen daughter: This is a very interesting place. It kind of has a European feel.

–Au Bon Pain, 8th St

Pixie-hipster girl: Yeah, y’know, I haven’t done much since I moved here. I’ve mostly been walking around the village eating at vegan restaurants.

–Rocks Off Concert Cruise

Loud chick on cell: You know I don’t believe in going to chains in New York…

–Cosi, 77th & Broadway

Overheard by: me neither

Chubs: Restaurant week is like Hanukkah for us fatties!

–Little West 12th & 9th

Overheard by: j9

Wednesday One-Liners Keep K-Y in Business

Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where’s my wife? If I come home and you’re still there, I’m going to stick a hot sausage up there… A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we’ll see who gets which one first.

–President & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Chick: I don’t know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I’m already really far up his ass already…

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Alan

Hipster girl: … And then he had his finger up my boyfriend’s asshole!

–Cargo Cafe, Staten Island

Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I’ll worship you. Screw school — you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, ‘Ta-da!’

–CCNY

Overheard by: Liz

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