Bag lady: This guy killed my boyfriend!
Hobo: No, I didn’t! Not directly!
Bag lady: He gave him vodka so he fell into a bus!
–Broadway & Waverly
Archive for the ‘Bag ladies’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners As Portrayed by Steinbeck
Hobo, after playing keyboard and screaming Christmas carols: Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any change I would greatly appreciate it. It would be going to a good cause — I need a lot of therapy.
–L stop, Union Square
Overheard by: sunny maguire
Crazy hobo to no one: It’s the Hudson River — it moved! On Christmas day, it will be April 15th. Sign my petition.
–M15 bus, Ave A
Overheard by: Getting off at next stop
Hobo: I’ll be your lover for a month if you buy me a motorcycle.
–79th & Broadway
Hobo to puddle: You don’t fucking know, man. Shit. You don’t fucking know.
–Penn Station
Homeless woman at 11 in the morning: I’m sorry to bother you all. I am homeless, and I haven’t had a decent meal since earlier today.
–F train to Brooklyn
Overheard by: I hadn’t had a decent meal at all at that time
Hobo to hobo friend: Yo, let me get your e‑mail!
–W 27th St
Tonight’s Movie: The Last Homorai
Black bag lady: Oh, look, I like this samurai boy here…
Attractive Asian man, passing: Ah, thank you for getting the cultural reference right!
Black bag lady: You married?
Attractive Asian man, walking away: No, I’m gay!
–Long Island City
Please God, Say They Didn’t Do It on the Train
Bag lady: …but I got 33 days credit.
Hobo: Yeah, but you know if you get locked up again, you’re gonna be there for 60.
Bad lady: I know, then I’ll do half.
Hobo: I can’t believe that guy did that to you. I’m gonna set him up like a bowling pin. And you know what happens to bowling pins: they get knocked out.
–Staten Island Railway
Overheard by: David D.
Wednesday One-liners are Out in the Streets
Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sandwich.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Jason K
Old bag lady: I’m looking for some change, some food, or a sexual partner.
–Lafayette & Great Jones
Hobo: I have something to say! I fucked your daughter! And she liked it! And she was tight!
–W. 4th & University
Overheard by: Snezhana Valdman
Hobo: Too many Police investigations stopping you from reaching your destination? I may be homeless, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable!
–Staten Island ferry
Overheard by: Joel Guilbert
Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me money, one more thing. Has your sister or girlfriend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat?
–45th & 9th
Overheard by: Paul Schellenberg
Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! Give me some respect!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Evan
Hobo: It’s 90 degrees out. Why are we wearing clothes? That’s mental illness.
–Rockefeller Center station
And a Man I Can Pee With!
Frustrated hobo: What are you looking for?
Batty bag lady: A car!
Frustrated hobo: Well, what kind of car?
Batty bag lady: A car I can pee between!
–Eldridge & Broome
Overheard by: Nic
Where Being Hung Up on Semantics Gets You
Bag lady: Don’t you call me no grandma! That ain’t right. I’m a ‘nana,’ not a ‘grandma.‘
Hobo: I ain’t call you no grandma — I called you a old lady.
Bag lady: Oh, okay. Yeah, that’s right, ’cause I ain’t no grandma!
–145th & St. Nicholas Ave
Overheard by: Big Momma’s Biscuit Eater
Overheard at Our Favorite Pizzeria
Bag Lady: It’s always the same! It’s always the same!
Woman: Would you like this [crust]?
Bag Lady: No, I want a whole pizza!
–Joe’s Pizza, Carmine St.
Overheard by: Rachel W
Also Why I Stopped Giving Up My Seat to Old People on the Bus
(teenagers are packing into a crowded subway car where a tiny, ancient-looking bag lady is panhandling)
Woman trying to be helpful: Hey, hey, slow down, careful – there’s an old lady you people are gonna knock down!
Bag lady, shouting irately: I’m not old, motherfucker!
–S Train
Overheard by: P. nut
The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there’s a bar car!
–Metro North
Overheard by: Anna
Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.
–Troy Ave & Park Place
Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place…
–3rd & 6th
Overheard by: j
Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!
–Broadway & 54th St
Overheard by: Loren
Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don’t want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they’ll take your legs otherwise.
–42nd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Robin
Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)
–Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: ellie
Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?
–East Village
