Thugette flight attendant, yelling as plane is about to take off: Sir! Turn off yo laptop!
Suit: (holds cord to show it's not plugged in)
Thugette flight attendant: Uh-uh! I can see the reflection in yo glasses.
Suit: (takes off headphones)
Thugette flight attendant: I saaaaid I can see the reflection in yo glasses, turn yo laptop off, turn it off, turn it oooooooooooooff!
Suit: (shuts laptop)
–Small Commuter Plane Leaving JFK
Flight attendant to passenger wearing a necklace of Africa: That's a pretty necklace. What state is it? Texas?
Passenger: Actually, no. It's Africa.
Flight attendant: Oh! It's not a state, it's a country!
–LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: We haven't been cleared for landing yet, so we're just going to have to fly around for about 30 minutes. We have about 45 minutes worth of fuel left, so we should be okay.
–Flight into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Andrea
TSA representative to man punching the beeping metal detector: Sir, I don't think that you understand how this works, but you are not supposed to punch the machine when it beeps.
–JFK
Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen of the jur… We'll be coming around to serve refreshments shortly.
–JFK to Burbank
Overheard by: Bella
Pilot: I would like to apologize for the long delay and I am happy to announce that we will shortly be making our way over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go in Louisville. Our flux capacitor is up and running and once this baby hits 188 miles per hour you'd better hold on tight.
–LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: So, is everyone excited to go to Honolulu?
–JFK Flight to San Francisco
Overheard by: that would be nice, though…
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not gonna lie to you — I’m broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma’s House 2. Please spare some change.
–F train
Overheard by: benny
20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Diner: Yo, ‘hyena’ — I know how that’s spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.
–IHOP, Staten Island
Overheard by: explosivo
Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until I lent it to her… Tryin’ to act like that’s her shit…
–B train
Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.
–Brooklyn College
Overheard by: fival went east
Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty
Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign… That includes all passengers in row nine… That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day.
–JFK
Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Carolina. We do something special there — we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you’re thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue — it’s safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.
–JFK
Overheard by: alan b hutscar
Flight attendant: … And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: Sheffler
Flight attendant: … And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.
–JFK
Overheard by: Ardbeg78
Pilot: Well, folks, I’m sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.
–United flight, JFK
Overheard by: clueless about electronics
Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo’self a good time!
–JFK
Overheard by: Nancy L.
Flight attendant: Of course, folks, I’m here to help you, so if you want anything just grab a hold of me as I walk by and I’ll do my best to help you in any way I can.
Captain: And make sure you grab a tight hold, ladies and gents — he’s a wily one.
–JFK
Stewardess: Bagel?
Passenger: Is it from New York or DC?
Stewardess: Oh, I’m sorry, it’s from DC.
Passenger: Thank you for understanding why that’s important.
–Delta plane, from DC to LaGuardia
Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options.
–Incoming flight, LaGuardia
Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay — the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.
–JFK
Overheard by: geico lizard
Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we’re asking for two volunteers to… Damn, bitch!
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: jaybrrd
Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue… This is JetBlue, right?
–JetBlue flight leaving JFK
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there’s no one who loves you or your money more than Delta.
–JFK
Overheard by: mrmcd
Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops… Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.
–JFK
Overheard by: babs standigio
Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we’re here.
–LaGuardia
Flight attendant on intercom: If you need any additional lighting, just reach up and press the grey button above your seat.
Passenger presses the ‘Call attendant’ button.
Flight attendant: That wasn’t the grey button.
–JFK
Girl on cell: I was like, “Back up, bitch. Get off your high horse and don’t ever talk to me again.” Such a bitch. And the thing is, she’s not even cute. Like, she has no right! She’s a fucking bitch, and she’s ugly! It’s one thing to be a bitch, but to be one when you’re ugly? You just don’t do that.
–19th & Broadway
Aspiring fashionista: I don’t know what I’d do if I had a kid and it was ugly. I’d probably die of embarassment or something. Maybe I should adopt. Can you, like, ask the adoption people to give you a good-looking child or something?
–SoHo
Flight attendant: We will be dimming the cabin lighting, as it greatly improves the attractiveness of your in-flight crew.
–JetBlue flight, JFK
Overheard by: Josh Barro
Father, to kids: Good job, guys! So [the doctor] says you’re ugly, but healthy.
–Pediatrics office, Tribeca
Buff girl on cell: Yeah, well, she accused me of being mean. She insulted this new dress I was wearing at the party and was all like, “Ew that is so ugly,” which was kinda bitchy, don’t you think? So I told her, “That’s because it would look like shit on you.”…Whatever. It’s true.
–NYSC, Whitestone
Overheard by: Karen
