Flight attendant to woman who has just placed her bird on her arm before take off: Ma’am, I’m going to need you to secure that bird before we begin taxiing.
Bird lady: But it is secure. Aren’t you, peaches? You like it out here, don’t you?
Flight attendant: Please just secure the bird, ma’am.
–Runway, JFK
Overheard by: escaping to vegas
AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.
–LaGuardia
Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!
–JFK Airport
Overheard by: Kim
Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast.
–JFK airport
Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the captain’s fault. It’s the asphalt.
–JFK airport
Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy… happy… what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain’t no holiday. Have a good week!
–LaGuardia Airport
American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we’re just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push.
–La Guardia Airport — about to take off
Overheard by: So K
Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sighing] New Jersey.
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: mj kiran
Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.
–JFK
Overheard by: SJK
Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don’t have to love the person next to you and this ain’t a furniture store.
–JFK
Overheard by: Allie
Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.
–JFK
Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…
–JFK
JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e‑mail them to the Continental Airlines e‑mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.
–JFK
Overheard by: lonely passenger
Dude: I don’t want coffee, I want Starbucks!
–Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: desire
Runners‐Up:
· “And For The Last Time, I’m Not From The Bronx; I’m From Riverdale!” — Gutterlush
· “Howard Shultz: Don’t Call It a Comeback, It That Easy, G!” — Drewp
· “I Can’t Decipher That Small, Medium, Large Jargon They Use Everywhere Else.” — Jessie Birks
· “Overheard in Seattle: Shit, They Know” — digital hash
· “The Top Conerns Of the Nation: War, Peace, and Finding a Starbucks” — abbitt the rabbitt
· “Yeah, Well I Really Don’t Think We Have Time For a Handjob, Joe.” — Idiocracy
Stereotypical jock, loudly: Man, I cant wait till we’re back on dry land!
Scottish flight attendant: I can end that wait if you don’t lower your voice.
–Flight Departing JFK
Pilot: Passengers, please move your seat into the least comfortable position. We are now approaching LaGuardia intergalactic airport. I’m your pilot, T.J. Maxx.
–JetBlue Airplane
Pilot over intercom: We are about to depart, so please turn off your iPhones, Sidekicks, BlackBerrys, Blueberrys, Pinkberrys, Strawberrys and all other mobile devices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf.
–LaGuardia Flight
Flight attendant: In the meantime we ask that passengers please continue to use oxygen at their leisure.
–JFK
Bored‐looking flight attendant, explaining how to board the plane in order: The letter on your boarding pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The number underneath stands for the amount of money you could save by switching to GEICO.
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Frequent Flyer
Stewardess: Welcome to New York, and on behalf of United Airlines we’d like to thank you for choosing us. Once again, this really is New York.
–La Guardia Airport
Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, we’re going through some turbulence. Make sure you are seated with your belts fastened. I will get back to you when we start our descent. (noise in the intercom) This is not looking good.
–Near JFK Airport
Overheard by: We managed to land…
Stewardess on flight leaving for Chicago: Now, I realize that most of you have the following safety video memorized. However, you never know if the person sitting next to you is a first time flier, particularly safety‐conscious, or an FAA inspector.
–La Guardia International Airport
Flight attendant, over PA: There will be no smoking aboard this flight. Alaska Airlines is a completely smoke‐free airline…and, frankly, it’s just bad for your health.
–Flight to Newark Airport
Overheard by: wink
Flight attendant: Sorry, guys, but we’re still waiting on one more passenger. (pause) How many of you think we should just leave him? (half the passengers raise their hands) New Yorkers, New Yorkers…
–JFK to Ft. Lauderdale Flight
Flight attendant: Sir, are you looking for the bathroom?
Passenger: Yes, which door is it?
Flight attendant: It’s the door right there.
(passenger walks towards the exit door of the plane)
Flight attendant: No, sir, not that door. If you open that door, you will kill yourself.
–Flight over JFK
Georgia hick: We need to see if our animals are here.
Flight attendant: Um, how many do you have?
Georgia hick: One. A chicken.
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Dave
Gay man, getting off plane, to gay flight attendant: Hey, it’s great to see you again!
Female flight attendant: Have you been here recently?
Gay flight attendant: Hell no, girl. I haven’t been here in forever. I don’t know who the fuck that man is.
–LaGuardia Airport
