Flight attendants

Passenger to attendant: Excuse me? They turned the movie off.
Attendant: Yes, we're landing earlier than thought.
Passenger: Oh, but the movie wasn't over.
Attendant: Sorry about that, but we need to turn it off for descent.
Passenger: But I was watching it!
Attendant: I am very sorry, but since we have started our descent…
Passenger, interrupting: But now I don't know how it ends!
Attendant: They all lived happily ever after.

Qantas Flight to Melbourne

Overheard by: Seat 14 F

Flight attendant: Okay, everyone, we're going to be landing soon. We would like to be the first to welcome you to reality…I mean, Cleveland.

Plane over Cleveland, Ohio

(strange loud sound comes from the plane)
Calm but confused flight attendant: That's weird, I've never heard that before.
Freaked out passenger: Um, excuse me? What?!

Flight to Cancun, Mexico

Flight attendant (on PA): Chances are they're all middle seats. Find the one with the most attractive people, and take it.

Southwest Flight over California

Overheard by: Armen

Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal–well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits–front, over-wing and rear–wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.

St. Louis Airport, Missouri

Flight attendant, after landing: If anyone left a black coat, please come to the front of the cabin to claim it. (pause) Or if anyone would like to take a black coat for free.

Orlando, Florida

Flight attendant over PA after bump during taxi: Don’t worry guys, it was just a cat!

Southwest Airlines, BWI airport
Baltimore, Maryland

Flight attendant: Please refrain from smoking for the rest of your life.

Flight over Denver, Colorado

Vaguely thuggish flight attendant: Aiiight, y'all, welcome aboard United Airlines…don't know the flight number, but we're going to Detroit, and that's all that matters.

Delayed Flight from Washington, DC

Overheard by: keeeeem

Flight attendant: Fasten your seatbelt low and tight around your waist, like Britney Spears' pants.

St. Louis, Missouri