Food

Boy: Mom, can we buy these cookies?
Mom: No honey, we cannot.
Boy: Why? Because they have carbohyboraties in them? Mom, you’re scared of carbohyboraties, aren’t you?

–Gristede’s, UWS

Girl: Look! Cantaloupes! Mom! Look at the cantaloupes!
Mom: No dear, cantaloupes are a fruit. These are antelopes.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Sarah Glazer

Trendy: I’d like a swiss burger and, instead of fries, can I substitute soup?
Waiter: No.
Trendy: OK, it was just a suggestion.
Waiter: Great. You can have it that way when you open your own restaurant.

–Pearl Street diner

Cashier: Do you want anything on it?
Buyer: What?
Cashier: Do you want anything on your hot dog?
Buyer: Yes.
Cashier: What would you like?
Buyer: Nothing.

–Papaya’s, 86th & 3rd

Old man #1: I must have my cloaking device on today! Ha, ha.
Old man #2: Get the fuck out of my way, asshole.
Old man #1: Damn Klingons.

–D’Agostino, Greenwich Street

Overheard by: nick

Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I’d like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they’re hot shit. I can’t figure out this fucking line — all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies… New Jersey is my destiny.

–Bakery, 70th & Lex

Older Hispanic gay man to guy in Subway sandwich costume: Uh sandwich, be careful someone doesn't eat you, darling.
Passers-by: (laugh)
Older Hispanic gay man: Whaaat? That's what you do to a saaandwich.

–9th & 2nd

Overheard by: eat me

Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That’s not Italian!
Drunk girl: He’s not Italian, he’s Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!

–30th & 3rd

Woman: Why was the box of cereal in the bathroom with you this morning?
Man: What else was I gonna write on?

–Manhattan-bound D train

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Blonde to other: Don't worry, within like an hour you'll have Jameson running through your system.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Girl on cell: I'm kind of hungover–I think that gin and tonic was a bad idea. I was already drunk, I don't know why I felt the need to have one… And then I went home and made scrambled eggs, and then I wrote a long email to Jen* about how good they were and then I read it this morning and I was like "I am such an idiot!"

–Broadway & Great Jones

Overheard by: Lillian

Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So…I'm going to go horseback riding!

–Broadway & 34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Horsies Are Pretty

Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen! Don't run away from or by the bar! You have an hour to walk to your seats. Again, please do not run from the bar, run to it!

Wicked, Broadway

Girl to friend: I only get tipsy enough to go into the Virgin Megastore…

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Man to friend, about AA: Y'know, if I could drink like normal people, I'd get drunk every night.

–Central Park

Overheard by: John Tidyman

Girl to friend: When I told you to seize the moment I didn't know you were drunk!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rebecca

Black guy: Man, niggas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: couldn’t stop laughing

Hungry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Autumn

Mother of the Year: My momma said, “All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.

–23rd & 11th

Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin’ out with.

–Foley Square

Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You’ll get your ass whipped.

–N train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Richard Berman

Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be broken.

–Behind Pathmark, 125th St

Overheard by: wadotron

Happy hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass!

–G train

Overheard by: greenpoint blank