Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I’d be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.
–8th St & Bedford Ave
Archive for the ‘Jews’ Category
Only with Less Food
Old Jewish man #1: Did you see the Yankees last night?
Old Jewish man #2: Watching the Yankees play baseball is like sitting shiva.
–14th & 7th
…You’ll Love My Favorite Pulled-pork BBQ!
Blonde: Yo, is vodka kosher?
Jewish girl: Yes.
Blonde: Okay, good, now we can go out to dinner together.
–FIT
Overheard by: Rina
Signs of the Apocalypse
Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.
–Midwood High School
Overheard by: the half jewish kid in the corner
The New-Car Smell Of Wednesday One-Liners
Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!
–Brooklyn
Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.
–74th St & Park Ave
Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!
–Union Square
Overheard by: rpk
Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick-up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… “Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent.”
–St. John’s University, Queens
NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!
–Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angie
Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: “I programmed my car to sound just like you!”
–89th St & 5th Ave
At Least He’s Not Promiscuous, Like the Catechism Kids
Little boy leaving temple: Schmuck, schmuck, schmuck!
Mother: Kyle!
Little boy: What? It’s a new word I learned in Jew school today!
Mother: Hebrew school!
Little boy, in a whisper: Schmuck…
–87th & Madison
Oh, No! You Didn’t Dis the Hat!
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
–14th St, in front of Purim Truck
Resistance is Futile
Queer: Does your family have ham or turkey for Christmas dinner?
Girl: We can’t have ham on Christmas, it isn’t kosher. We have turkey.
Queer: Why are you celebrating Christmas if you’re Jewish?
Girl: Dunno. Good question.
–East Village
Further Evidence That Judaism Has an I.Q. Prerequisite
Wannabe Jew: Shprehen ze Deutche?
Religious Jew: Huh?
Wannabe Jew: Isn’t that how you say “do you speak Yiddish?” in Yiddish?
Religious Jew: No.
(wannabe Jew looks around and walks away)
–Brooklyn Public Library
Thank Goodness I Had This Envelope to Blow My Nose On!
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Hey, so sorry, I’m running late. I’m just leaving my house now. I woke up with a horrible cold…
Post office worker: Miss?
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Oh wait… It’s my turn… I’m actually in line at the post office… Oh and when I see you, absolutely no hugs, I am very contagious!
–Post Office, London Terrace
Overheard by: wish I had a bottle of purel
