Relationships

He Needs to Work on Lying with Conviction

Guy #1: So this girl comes over and I just want her to give me a blow job.
Guy #2: Yeah, did she do it?
Guy #1: No. She was all like, “I really want to hook up with you, but you won’t respect me if I do.” And I’m just thinking, “Please for the love of God, just suck my dick and I’ll worry about the rest later.” but I obviously can’t say that to her.
Guy #3: Dude, that sucks. It sounds like she’s a total tease.
Guy #1: Yeah. I know man. I really, really just wanted her to suck my dick and she’s worried about all this other stuff.
. . .
Guy #3, as they’re exiting the train: Do you believe we go to law school?

–1 train

Overheard by: Alison R.

Wednesday One-liners Are From Mars

Borderline-crying woman on cell: No I don’t want to go to a fucking bar, I want to be with you, you asshole!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: gladly single

Ballsy dame: Well, that’s one thing men are good for — playing the minor roles in Evita.

–Marie’s Crisis piano bar, Grove & Bleeker

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

No Wonder It’s Not Yours

Suit: I’m going to have challah bread french toast for dinner tonight. My good-for-nothing wife can’t make me dinner — she’s nine months pregnant. She’s home all day, still in pajamas at 2:30 in the afternoon. Why don’t you try putting on some pants, that will get you motivated.

–uptown 2 train leaving Wall Street

Overheard by: Megan W

It’s Every Jewish Mother’s Dream

Jewish girl to black friend: I want a black boyfriend…what if I turned really ghetto? What if I start to wear baby phat? I’ll be like, this is what Kamal likes. Ohmygod, what if he has his own made-up name? I’ll be like, oh Styx just called me.

–98th & Madison

Overheard by: nathalie

See How She Turned That Around?

Girl: Hey, you!
Random guy: Yes?
Girl: Not you, the guy behind you.
Other guy: Yes?
Girl: On a scale of one to ten, what do you think my chances are with the guy I just spoke to before you?

–58th & 6th

Wednesday One-liners Want a Date

Guy: Man, we gotta get you on a J-Date sometime soon.

–53rd & 1st

Overheard by: Pam, Lauren, and Gloria

Limo driver: If you were my girl I’d quit lying and cheating.

–55th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: turned off

She Doesn’t Know What She’s Missing

Jockman: Sweetie, you’re being silly. I shaved my legs to be more aerodynamic.
Girlfriend: Don’t talk to me.

–F train

Wow, You’ve Had a Dozen Cats?

Construction worker #1: …I don’t know, maybe a dozen or so.
Construction worker #2: Okay, but how many relationships have you had?

–55th between Park & Madison

Overheard by: Katie Compa

Makes Perfect Sense to Me

Suit #1: So she got really mad at me when I was trying to break up with her, she was like “You’re breaking up with me cause you like me too much?” And I was like “Ya, totally.” She just didn’t understand.
Suit #2: Dude, that’s rough.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: two rows back

Number Three, Step Forward

Queer #1: Do you know anyone named Jonathan who is here tonight?
Queer #2: I know five Jonathans who are here tonight. Why?
Queer #1: Because this guy named Jonathan just came up and started making out with me and then left.
Queer #2: That sounds like all five Jonathans.

–View Bar, 22nd & 8th

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