Asian guy: But seriously, when she’s not crazy, she’s one of the funnest people to hang out with, and she didn’t let me finish last time, so I have a score to settle.
Redhead chick: You are sick. Settle it on someone else’s stomach.

–Union Square

Overheard by: jinhoshow

Chick: Well, our relationship has been kind of weird. I mean, the first time I met him I thought he was dorky, then the second time I met him I thought he was hot. Hot enough to fuck, because I didn’t know about his girlfriend yet. Then the third time I met him I thought he was gay, and that was before I met his crazy girlfriend.


Girl: I am so sick of dating these losers. From now on, I won’t go out with any guy unless he has an entry in Wikipedia.


Man on cell: No, I don’t want to go with my girlfriend! I want to go with you, because I want to have fun!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Claire H

Man on cell: … So she called me up later, and said, ‘Sorry I was such a cunt.’ That’s when I said to myself, ‘I like this girl.’

–Outside Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Girl to boyfriend, arguing: … But I let you have access all my orifices!

–Orchard & Delancey

Overheard by: Rob

Five‐year‐old boy: I’ve got two girlfriends, but one of them is six and I’m only five, so she’s not my type.

–A train

Overheard by: Neal Mortimer

Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade.”

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Dashing Dan

Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: ED

Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.

–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens

Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.

–50th St & 9th Ave

Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.

–F Train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

High school‐age Jersey girl: So I went on my ex‐boyfriend’s Facebook, since his birthday was last week. Only like 30 people wrote on his wall to wish him happy birthday.
Friend: Oh my god. What a loser!

–NJ Transit Terminal, Penn Station

Overheard by: Ashley

Girl #1: He told me not to worry about his girlfriend. He was like, “You know you’re gonna like it!”
Girl #2: Oh my god, that’s so your type! Like, borderline rapist! 

–Bungalow 8, West 27th Street

Overheard by: Katie

20‐ish girl: Dammit, why aren’t you coming to my party?
20‐ish guy: I told you — I have to go to DC that night with my family.
20‐ish girl: How am I going to show off my terribly attractive boyfriend to all my other less‐attractive boyfriends if you’re not going to be there?!

–L train

Ugly guy: Yeah, we broke up because it just didn’t work out between us. We had too many differences.
Pretty girl: I’m sorry to hear that. How long has it been?
Ugly guy: Years, so I’m over it. Well, we were swingers so it got complicated. Well, — I was a swinger. She wasn’t.
Pretty girl: Ummm… (stares at wall) Great elevator conversation!

–Elevator, Viacom Building, 44th & Broadway

Girl #1: My boyfriend totally has better taste in guys than I do.
Girl #2: Totally.

–Fordham University

Guido #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Guido #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Guido #1: Mm.
Guido #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Guido #3: Hitch? Isn’t that a chick flick?
Guido #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Guido #3: Oh. Alright.
Guido #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by myself.

–R train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Columbia guy: So then Caroline* decided to take all of his valuables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he’d been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Columbia chick: That’s hilarious!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

Headline by: Mikey G.

· “And After He Killed Her, He Pretended to Do CPR!” — JesusFreak
· “And She Didn’t Check the Psycho Box on” — digruntled internet dater
· “He Didn’t Like His Anal Rape‐Themed Surprise Birthday Party Either…” — Beartram
· “I Bet the “Just Kidding Your Place Wasn’t Robbed Sex” Was Awesome, Too.” — anonmouse
· “Turns Out There’s No Spot For “Masculinity” on Insurance Claim Forms” — Jamie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest