Sexuality

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Just a Phase, Dad

Amazed guy: So, I totally thought I was gay ’til I fucked her!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Wex

Hot Indian girl with friend: I should host a gay reading hour where I regale the gays with stories of my encounters with B-list celebrities. They can all sit on a carpet at my feet.

–S’Nice, off 8th Ave

Overheard by: Robert

Suit: I had to move to Westchester — my wife would’ve found out I was gay if we stayed in the city.

–38th & 5th

Biotech: Protesting is gay.

–Manhattan College

Overheard by: Marco M.

Teen hipster, vehemently: I swear, I was talking about this with my mom. I really want to be a gay man!

–Hammerstein Ballroom

Pretty mom on cell, pushing stroller: She’s gay… Well, mostly gay. She’ll fuck a guy in a pinch.

–7th Ave & Union, Park Slope

Good to See the Shame’s Gone Out of That

Asian hipster girl: The first time I met you I totally thought you were gay!
Asian hipster guy: That’s okay. Everyone does — even my family.
Random hipster guy: Really? Me, too! [Hipster guys hi-five each other.]

–Bedford & N 6th

Overheard by: Marc P.

So He Gets All the Girls

Guy #1: So, how’s your gay roommate?
Guy #2: Ehhh… He’s still gay.

–1st & 1st

Overheard by: Jack Melody

Because If Not, Have I Got a Dating Service for You!

First grader: My aunt is a lesbian… Both of them.
Tour guide: Are they happy?
First grader: Yes! Yes! Are you a happy lesbian?

–Cloisters Museum, Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: angry-lettuce

As That Fortune Cookie Explained

Girl: She’s a lesbian…
Guy: Lesbians love strap-ons.
Girl: I thought the point of being a lesbian is that you’re not into… that…
Guy: Well, there’s only so much you can do with two vaginas.

–Penn Station

No More Montessori School for You, Young Lady

Mom, about man on train with flowers: Awww, he has flowers. They’re probably for his girlfriend.
Eight-year-old daughter: Mom, you never know! They could be for a boy.

–LIRR

What Boy Band Hasn’t Had This Conversation Backstage?

Guy #1: You can’t allow her to keep doing that to you, man.
Guy #2: Yeah, you’re right… Sometimes I wish I was gay.
Guy #1, after both guys laugh: …Uh… You were kidding, right?

–Men’s locker room, New York Sports Club, Tribeca

Overheard by: Matt

We’re Here, We’re Wednesday One-Liners, We’re Not Going Anywhere!

Middle-schooler: Self-mutilation is so gay!

–Q60 bus

Overheard by: Gregorio

Black lady: She gay? Oh, well, then keep her away from me. I don’t like gay people. They’s too charmin’.

–D train

Southern girl: I have this theory that all black guys are gay.

–Lafayette & Houston

Teen girl to friend, passing clipboard activists: I don’t get it. What are they doing, selling gay rights?

–Columbus Ave, Upper West Side

Overheard by: wasn’t in the mood to buy any gay rights that day

Guy to another: … And it wouldn’t be gay because we wouldn’t tell anyone!

–NYU

Overheard by: Artiste

Manyrears’ Disease

Guy #1: Oh, he’s gay. You didn’t know that?
Guy #2: Gayness makes me dizzy.

–54th & Madison

Overheard by: DZ

Don’t Drink Anything That’s Been Out of Your Sight!

Chick: So, today I went to the doctor, and in the waiting room there was this gay guy who told me he liked my Steve Maddens. [Three guys across from her stare blankly.] Oh my god, I’m eating dinner with three straight men.

–Restaurant, 6th Ave

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