Wednesday One-Liners Vary

And Wednesday Said, “Let There Be One-Liners!”

Hipster: Percocet makes me feel like God… [drunken pause]… is rubbing my tummy.

–Restaurant, Front St, Brooklyn

Latina: I like to be comfortable when I pray, and I do not think God holds that against me.

–Thai restaurant, Astoria

Bag lady: God has always been good to me.

–6 train

Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard

Old grump: That’s the problem with kids today — they think they’re God.

–Canal St

Overheard by: Abby

Chick: I’ve determined God put me on this earth just so I can lose box cutters.

–L train

Subway preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin’, and fuckin’ right now… But I can’t… I just can’t, because this is my mission — to annoy ya and preach the word of God!

–R train

Wednesdeified One-Linefication

Wheelbo: I understand that this is a crowded train. I will try and move past you as articulately as possible, as not to step on anybody’s toes.

–6 train

Overheard by: Becs

Guy trying on women’s sunglasses: Are these for women, or are they ambidextrous?

–Laila Rowe, Upper West Side

Overheard by: nisey79

Dude: … And I became an intern to be internal…

–Columbia University

NYU chick on cell: Thanks so much for, like, printing out my paper for me. You were, like, such a lifesaver! Yeah, my printer ran out of, you know, cartilage, so I’m at Staples buying some more.

–Soho

Overheard by: if only sharks could be used as toner

Bimbette: Yeah, well, she just kept on keptin’ on…

–4th Ave, between 11th & 12th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mike R

Fat lady: They eat dogs in other countries — it’s a delicatessen.

–Fulton & Church St

Overheard by: Dan

This Is the Dawning of the Age of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: He started laughing and calling me a moron when we were drunk and I asked him if the sun and the moon were the same thing, and I told him, ‘If you had my brain, you’d understand what I meant!’

–Penn Station

Redhead: He and I are like twin stars that will never have sex.

–Starbucks, 95th & Broadway

Overheard by: ein ladle

Bimbette: Does the U.S. own the moon?

–Astronomy 101, Borough of Manhattan Community College

Dork to gaggle of girls: A half moon is fuckin’ half as full as a full moon, ya heard?!

–East Village

Overheard by: Verbena

We’re Here, We’re Wednesday One-Liners, We’re Not Going Anywhere!

Middle-schooler: Self-mutilation is so gay!

–Q60 bus

Overheard by: Gregorio

Black lady: She gay? Oh, well, then keep her away from me. I don’t like gay people. They’s too charmin’.

–D train

Southern girl: I have this theory that all black guys are gay.

–Lafayette & Houston

Teen girl to friend, passing clipboard activists: I don’t get it. What are they doing, selling gay rights?

–Columbus Ave, Upper West Side

Overheard by: wasn’t in the mood to buy any gay rights that day

Guy to another: … And it wouldn’t be gay because we wouldn’t tell anyone!

–NYU

Overheard by: Artiste

Wednesday One-Liners, Dead Ahead!

Guy to girlfriend: Every time I get pissed, I’ll list a person who’s dead.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Rachel Graham

Mom to four-year-old daughter: So, let me get this straight. Everybody was dead, then you walked in the street, and then you got kidnapped? And then you got killed?

–86th & Lex

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Seeing the genitals of a corpse is, like, a huge turn-off.

–Bodies Exhibit, Fulton St

Overheard by: Secret Asian

Woman: So I called her and I asked her, ‘Did you die?’ And she said, ‘No!’

–Pearl River Mart, Soho

Dude on cell: He’s dead? Yes!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Adam

The Little Red Book of Wednesday One-Liners

JAP on cell: I mean, the one thing I hate more than communism is arts and crafts!

–NYU

Historical guru: Then she married a guy who was a communist gunman from Berlin, and a pretty good art scholar, by the way…

–Utopia Diner, W 72nd St

Overheard by: LADY V

Teacher, in Elmer Fudd voice: Be very, very quiet… We’re doing something communist.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Know Much about No Book-Learnin’

Hot chick on cell, sadly: I finished the new Harry Potter… It was good, but now I just feel so empty inside.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Muggle willing to fill you back up

Frat boy chucking aside a book: Reading porn just isn’t the same.

–Central Park

Hobo selling books: This book’s called Corner Stores in the Middle of the Block. That’s deep. I’ll tell you what else is deep: I realized that women only pay attention to me when I’m with other women… So I started hanging out with lesbians…

–1 train

Overheard by: Mikey T

Teen: So, this one time I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving all the Bibles to the ‘Fiction’ section…

–74th & Columbus

Blonde: Isn’t Radio Shack a bookstore?

–Washington Square Park

When Did Wednesday One-Liners Have Corn?

Hot chick: Oh, you live on Amsterdam? I used to live on Amsterdam. I threw a bowl of diarrhea out of my window once. Don’t do drugs!

–27th & 30th, Astoria

Queer: I have to buy some toilet paper today. I’m tired of wiping my ass with cocktail napkins.

–36th & Park

Tipsy dude: Do you know what’s awesome? Giant robots can’t even shit on people!

–Sly Fox bar, East Village

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Student on cell: Hello, professor? Professor? Oh, he’s taking a shit? Okay, I’ll call back later.

–Arthur Ave

Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

Girl: He pulled out and she shit all over. [Friend puts down her chopsticks.]

–Oyama Sushi

Overheard by: No longer hungry

Wednesday One-Liners Take the Dirt-Road Detour

Teacher: No butt-fuck guys, no butt-fuck.

–Hunter College High

Overheard by: citysnidget

Hot chick: … And so I was thinking, You’re thinking about my brother while you’re fucking my ass? No response necessary.

–32nd & Broadway

Cuban guy to Russian girl: All Russian girls I’ve ever met love anal sex. No, seriously, they are all into that shit — and pomegranate.

–1st Ave

Overheard by: Asmar

Jock: … And he was sodomizing a jaguar.

–81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: impossible

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Part of Your Complete Breakfast

Exhausted executive: Woman, I am telling you — it is Friday, and what I’m saying to you is, all I need is some alcohol and some stuffed mushrooms. Do you hear me?

–Grand Central

Old lady, screaming: It’s not the quiche, Harry, it’s the whole seven years!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Rowanhood

Creepster: I’d like to spread Jessica Fletcher and Rose Nylund on a cracker and down ’em with a shot of Ensure!

–81st & Madison

Man: I don’t trust upstate food anymore.

–Cab line, JFK

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Budding entrepreneur: You mean, I can copyright the sandwiches I make? Put them in an envelope and mail them to myself?

–Stanton & Attorney

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