Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners, Dead Ahead!

Guy to girlfriend: Every time I get pissed, I’ll list a person who’s dead.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Rachel Graham

Mom to four-year-old daughter: So, let me get this straight. Everybody was dead, then you walked in the street, and then you got kidnapped? And then you got killed?

–86th & Lex

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Seeing the genitals of a corpse is, like, a huge turn-off.

–Bodies Exhibit, Fulton St

Overheard by: Secret Asian

Woman: So I called her and I asked her, ‘Did you die?’ And she said, ‘No!’

–Pearl River Mart, Soho

Dude on cell: He’s dead? Yes!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Adam

The Little Red Book of Wednesday One-Liners

JAP on cell: I mean, the one thing I hate more than communism is arts and crafts!

–NYU

Historical guru: Then she married a guy who was a communist gunman from Berlin, and a pretty good art scholar, by the way…

–Utopia Diner, W 72nd St

Overheard by: LADY V

Teacher, in Elmer Fudd voice: Be very, very quiet… We’re doing something communist.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Know Much about No Book-Learnin’

Hot chick on cell, sadly: I finished the new Harry Potter… It was good, but now I just feel so empty inside.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Muggle willing to fill you back up

Frat boy chucking aside a book: Reading porn just isn’t the same.

–Central Park

Hobo selling books: This book’s called Corner Stores in the Middle of the Block. That’s deep. I’ll tell you what else is deep: I realized that women only pay attention to me when I’m with other women… So I started hanging out with lesbians…

–1 train

Overheard by: Mikey T

Teen: So, this one time I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving all the Bibles to the ‘Fiction’ section…

–74th & Columbus

Blonde: Isn’t Radio Shack a bookstore?

–Washington Square Park

When Did Wednesday One-Liners Have Corn?

Hot chick: Oh, you live on Amsterdam? I used to live on Amsterdam. I threw a bowl of diarrhea out of my window once. Don’t do drugs!

–27th & 30th, Astoria

Queer: I have to buy some toilet paper today. I’m tired of wiping my ass with cocktail napkins.

–36th & Park

Tipsy dude: Do you know what’s awesome? Giant robots can’t even shit on people!

–Sly Fox bar, East Village

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Student on cell: Hello, professor? Professor? Oh, he’s taking a shit? Okay, I’ll call back later.

–Arthur Ave

Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

Girl: He pulled out and she shit all over. [Friend puts down her chopsticks.]

–Oyama Sushi

Overheard by: No longer hungry

Wednesday One-Liners Take the Dirt-Road Detour

Teacher: No butt-fuck guys, no butt-fuck.

–Hunter College High

Overheard by: citysnidget

Hot chick: … And so I was thinking, You’re thinking about my brother while you’re fucking my ass? No response necessary.

–32nd & Broadway

Cuban guy to Russian girl: All Russian girls I’ve ever met love anal sex. No, seriously, they are all into that shit — and pomegranate.

–1st Ave

Overheard by: Asmar

Jock: … And he was sodomizing a jaguar.

–81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: impossible

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Part of Your Complete Breakfast

Exhausted executive: Woman, I am telling you — it is Friday, and what I’m saying to you is, all I need is some alcohol and some stuffed mushrooms. Do you hear me?

–Grand Central

Old lady, screaming: It’s not the quiche, Harry, it’s the whole seven years!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Rowanhood

Creepster: I’d like to spread Jessica Fletcher and Rose Nylund on a cracker and down ’em with a shot of Ensure!

–81st & Madison

Man: I don’t trust upstate food anymore.

–Cab line, JFK

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Budding entrepreneur: You mean, I can copyright the sandwiches I make? Put them in an envelope and mail them to myself?

–Stanton & Attorney

It’s Not You — It’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: It was right after I said Greg broke up with him ’cause he didn’t know where Darfur was.

–8th & Broadway

Woman over loudspeaker: You don’t even miss me! You don’t even have the decency to miss me!

–Whitehall St station

Overheard by: G

Hysterical girl in stall on cell: Why the fuck did she post ‘Thanks again for that chicken parmigiana X-X-O-O’ on your MySpace page?! What the fuck does that mean?! X-X-O-O?! And why did you buy her chicken parmigiana?! We just broke up three days ago and you’re buying some other bitch chicken parmigianaaa?! Do you want to be with me or not?!

–Ladies’ room, Bar

Black chick on cell: Okay, fine, we can break up! But dammit, I need fucking directions!

–Atlantic & Flatbush

Overheard by: Mike N

You Can’t See the Forest for the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: I got out on the wing and said, ‘I’m not going.’ He said, ‘I paid 10 grand to fuel this jet!’ and he pushed me off… Well, I didn’t control it too good. I wound up in a tree and it took three hours to get me down… I was just all cut up by the branches…

–Bagels Supreme, Brooklyn

Woman to boyfriend: I didn’t know you could see individual leaves on a tree.

–A/C/E train

Overheard by: Monica

Dude: What’s beer without a Christmas tree?

–5th Ave

Woman on cell: I saw her sitting in the litter box, and then she looked at me and she shot it up into the plants!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Beck

Tourist mom to daughter with camera: Look, a tree! A tree! You can tell everyone you took a picture of a tree in Central Park!

–Central Park

Lady on cell: What did I do yesterday? Well, I finally took down the Christmas tree.

–Continental Ave, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Dandelion Isafleur

Don’t Run with Wednesday One-Liners

Mini yuppie: No way. I’d put the knife down and walk away. You never run.

–9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Old man tourist: He’s drawin’ a sword outta her, an’ she’s havin’ a sexual fantasy.

–New Greco-Roman galleries, the Met

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Yuppie to two girls: Yeah, but it’s more personal if you stab them with a knife.

–Prospect Park West, Park Slope

Overheard by: diane

Kid to father: I’m sick of swords! My head is full of swords!

–Arms and Weapons wing, the Met

Overheard by: e.Beth

Girl struggling with knot: Do you have anything sharp? Like a sword? Wait a minute, I have a sword! [She pulls out a sword.]

–51st & 5th

Dad to rambunctious young sons: No! We are not getting swords out!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Tempo

Wednesday One-Liners! They’re Just Like Us!

Guy shopping for condiments: A Rachael Ray olive oil? Really? Have we gone too far?

–Amish market, Park Pl

Overheard by: pri

Blonde to brunette: You don’t understand… I was the Paris Hilton of Seattle…

–Bedford Ave

Overheard by: griffin

Bimbette bragging to server: Yeah, I’m like the Lindsay Lohan of New Jersey!

–Brooklyn Diner, Times Square

Office worker: I would bury Jennifer in a ditch somewhere for Jessica Biel.

–Staten Island

Mom to eight-year-old son: … And that’s why the gays are mad at John Travolta — because he’s a Scientologist.

–Court St & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tim

Disappointed lady to hubby: Well, I didn’t see any celebrities in there!

–Outside Olive Garden, Times Square

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