Wednesday One-Liners Do It Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

Guy to enthralled friends: … And they were trying to rush him to the hospital, but they couldn’t leave because the fuckin’ monkey was banging on the window! And they couldn’t back up the car because they didn’t want to run over the monkeys! And the cameraman is yelling, ‘Run over the fucking monkey! Run over the fucking monkey!’ It was so unprofessional.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jen

Hoochie mom to child, looking at sea lions: Look, honey, the zoo keeper is feeding the dolphins.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Carey and Echo Doppler

Idiot to another: So, some summer we should go out to Cincinnati and spend the summer building an aardvark.

–Fulton St station

Overheard by: Johnny Twisto

Suit frantically screaming on cell: My horse, my business! My horse, my business!

–Outside Union Square station

Hobo: It’s all about survival, man! I been fightin’ my whole life. I killed so many people… Then you gotta fight the land animals! Soon they throw you in the water and you fightin’ alligators and sharks!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Tom

Posted on October 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Best Wednesday One-Liners We Could Get Under the Salary Cap

Girl in OSU shirt: I, like, didn’t go to Ohio State, but I still cheer for them because I grew up in Columbus. Still, I don’t see why most people cheer for schools’ teams they never went to. Like, I know so many people that cheer for the Eagles, but it’s not like they went to Eagles School or anything.

–2 train

Overheard by: Dice To That

Water guy: Ice cold water! Get your ice cold water for one dollar! [Guy walks by with Red Sox hat.] Two dollars for Red Sox fans!

–Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: Bronwyn

Tourist girl: Strawberry Fields? Isn’t that, like, a song or something? Or is it that baseball movie with the ghosts?

–Central Park, Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: Erin

Jersey thug: If my job was to be Mr. Met, I’d just caress young bitches all day.

–Shea Stadium

Little boy to father, who’s flipping through sports section: If you do something really bad, but you play sports, you won’t get locked up!

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: CEF

Posted on October 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Sports, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Look Forward to a Global Pandemic

Conductor: People, the train is too crowded… Just like OJ — if you can’t fit, you must quit.

–6 train

Mom to kid: Say, ‘Excuse me,’ and if they don’t move, then you can push them out of the way ’cause you said ‘excuse me.’

–Crowded D train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: teany

Crushed geriatric lady: If this train were anymore crowded you could get pregnant!

–3 train

Overheard by: glad i’m on the pill

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, as I said before, this train is overcrowded. I am very attractive, but there are other attractive conductors on the train behind this one.

–6 train

Man, to his six-year-old child: You can push through the crowd, okay? Just watch your face.

–Train at 57th & 7th

Posted on October 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Non-Alcoholic Wednesday One-Liners

Asian dude to friends: So, he told me that you shouldn’t drink water after eating watermelon or else the seeds would grow in your stomach, and I was like, ‘Are you kidding me? That’s apple juice!’

–Bronx Science

Thug teen: I can’t drink soda. I drink soda, I’m drunk.

–J train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Chick: In a Snapple bottle?! How could he get it stuck in there?!

–Nostrand & Ave U

Bimbette: I wanna be a fly on the wall. You know — just an eyeball in the Kool-Aid.

–E train

Overheard by: Ashley

Black guy to scene kid: Yo, he’s got that Mountain Dew haircut.

–23rd St

Conductor: Please take all possessions, including newspapers, bags, and litter, including empty bottles of Snapple — the official drink of New York City — and enjoy what is left of your weekend.

–A train

Overheard by: Sarah

Posted on October 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinks, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Yawn in Technicolor

Enormous black lady on cell, laughing: What you do to my baby? What you do to my baby?! Ewww! You threw up on my baby?! Why you threw up on my baby?! You better watch it — I got you! I’m gonna get you!

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: wait, what??

Drunk chick to another: I keep feeding you but you keep throwing up, and I keep giving you alcohol but you’re still mad. What should I do?

–Diner, 9th Ave

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman at pay phone: Maybe she threw up because of the heat, or maybe because she’s just a harlot. I don’t know!

–Union Square

Dude: When I get off the train I am throwing up, but that doesn’t mean the party’s over.

–6 train, between 33rd & 42nd

Posted on October 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Many-Splendored Thing

Bimbette to friend: I love him so much! He’s, like, so ugly he’s cute!

–Luna Park, Union Square

Overheard by: Maren

Heartbroken co-ed after Scott Proctor gives up game-tying home run to Blue Jays: Why must you hurt me when I have shown you nothing but love?!

–Yankee Stadium, Section 41, Row E

Overheard by: Bleacher Creature

Old woman: I love all of my sons, but my middle son is one of those freaks of nature.

–1 train

Brit on cell: Shut up! … Well, you’re going to have to shut up and listen to me so I can get others to love you, too!

–M6 bus, Church & Spring

Overheard by: But I love you

Middle-aged hipster lady to boyfriend: You only think about yourself. I love that!

–Bedford Ave

Posted on October 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Love, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

And Wednesday Said, “Let There Be One-Liners!”

Hipster: Percocet makes me feel like God… [drunken pause]… is rubbing my tummy.

–Restaurant, Front St, Brooklyn

Latina: I like to be comfortable when I pray, and I do not think God holds that against me.

–Thai restaurant, Astoria

Bag lady: God has always been good to me.

–6 train

Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard

Old grump: That’s the problem with kids today — they think they’re God.

–Canal St

Overheard by: Abby

Chick: I’ve determined God put me on this earth just so I can lose box cutters.

–L train

Subway preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin’, and fuckin’ right now… But I can’t… I just can’t, because this is my mission — to annoy ya and preach the word of God!

–R train

Posted on September 26, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, God, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesdeified One-Linefication

Wheelbo: I understand that this is a crowded train. I will try and move past you as articulately as possible, as not to step on anybody’s toes.

–6 train

Overheard by: Becs

Guy trying on women’s sunglasses: Are these for women, or are they ambidextrous?

–Laila Rowe, Upper West Side

Overheard by: nisey79

Dude: … And I became an intern to be internal…

–Columbia University

NYU chick on cell: Thanks so much for, like, printing out my paper for me. You were, like, such a lifesaver! Yeah, my printer ran out of, you know, cartilage, so I’m at Staples buying some more.

–Soho

Overheard by: if only sharks could be used as toner

Bimbette: Yeah, well, she just kept on keptin’ on…

–4th Ave, between 11th & 12th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mike R

Fat lady: They eat dogs in other countries — it’s a delicatessen.

–Fulton & Church St

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on September 26, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

This Is the Dawning of the Age of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: He started laughing and calling me a moron when we were drunk and I asked him if the sun and the moon were the same thing, and I told him, ‘If you had my brain, you’d understand what I meant!’

–Penn Station

Redhead: He and I are like twin stars that will never have sex.

–Starbucks, 95th & Broadway

Overheard by: ein ladle

Bimbette: Does the U.S. own the moon?

–Astronomy 101, Borough of Manhattan Community College

Dork to gaggle of girls: A half moon is fuckin’ half as full as a full moon, ya heard?!

–East Village

Overheard by: Verbena