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It Takes a Lot of Effort To Make Wednesday One-Liners Look This Good
Guy to male friend: We believe that the better you look, the more spiritual you are.
--1st St & 5th Ave., Brooklyn
Overheard by: PrairieSquid
Man collecting money for the homeless: Come on guys, I'm way too pretty to be homeless.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dara
Middle-aged African American male, with a blue NY Giants baseball cap on, and a fur coat: I'm pretty... I'm pretty... I'm pretty
--59th St Subway Station
Overheard by: nickporjr
Bum: Hey pretty! Hey pretty!
[Pretty girl coughs violently and sneezes at the same time.]
Bum: Feel better, pretty.
--6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Middle-aged, Chelsea-fit white guy on iPhone: Well, neither you nor any of your sisters were the beauty that I was...
--21st St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Sean
Middle-aged man: You know who was good-looking? Stalin, when he was younger. He was so dashing!
--104th & West End
Overheard by: communist!
Youth Is Wasted On The Wednesday One-Liner
Teen dude: You just can't be tall and survive on a mountain!
--Halloween Adventure, 11th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Teenage boy: Girls are so lucky... They can feel themselves up whenever they want.
--LIRR
High school girl: I said to her: "What they call you?" ... And she said, "TND". And I said, "'TND'?, What's 'TND'"? And she said "Top Notch Diva". [Howls with laughter.] She said "Top notch". Nobody say "Top notch"... That was like, last summer... Top notch... [laughs and snickers] and then she say: "What they call you?" and I said "BB"... "Betta bills". [Howls with laughter.]
--#1 Train
Teen boy, with a sigh: Sometimes the world just isn't as shiny as you want it to be.
--42nd St
Teenager to Mexican friend: Don't make me call immigration on you.
--Q train, to 57th st
Overheard by: LoRna
Teen: I like the beginning part of the Dido song "Thank you", you know, the depressing part, because I can relate to it. Well, aside from the parts about missing the bus because I have a car and paying bills because my parents do that for me.
--Union Square
Overheard by: UCB
Wednesday One-Liners, Plus Puerto Rico
Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I've been here for like four months!"
--G Train
Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame
Jersey girl: I don't do Arkansas.
--Tram to Roosevelt Island
Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don't move to Connecticut... It's too hard to spell!
--38th & 2nd Ave
Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John's fine and all, but she's like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.
--Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.
Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you're on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai's.
--43rd St between Madison & 5th
Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I'm sick of dem Hispanics, man! I'm sick of 'em! I love California.
--New York Public Library, 42nd St branch
Overheard by: Jason
36 Chambers of Wednesday One-Liners
Homegirl on cell: You live in Staten Island, that's too close to the wilderness, near the border. I am not emotionally ready to meet you in Staten Island.
--LIRR
Suit: He's from Staten Island. That my Graceland.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: The Sock
Asian chick: What is that fruit called? Durian? That thing stinks so bad! It stinks like Staten Island bad!
--G Train
Overheard by: paco
Girl #1: In how many stops do we get off?
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]
--Staten Island Ferry
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is South Ferry. From there, you can go to the wonderful Battery Park, go see the beautiful Statue of Liberty... Or go to Staten Island.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Smarlow
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Understand the Caucus System
Bleach-blonde: I would totally vote for McCain if Miley Cyrus were his running mate.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Democrat
Woman: Oh, I am definitely a single-issue voter. And right now, that issue is: Which one of the candidates can get me to a bathroom soonest?
--7th Avenue, Park Slope
Overheard by: Chuckell
Drunk hobo to a group of pigeons: And they're all Democrats. Can't trust them Democrats.
--Washington Square Park
Young African American woman speaking animatedly on cell: ... Vice president? Why should I run for Vice President, I'm doing better than you, bitch! "Dream ticket!" That's why I hate white liberals. They don't know when they're fucked up. Republicans don't give a shit about you, but they know it.
--124th St, Harlem
Drunk wheelbo, shouting across the entire ferry terminal: Hillary, Hillary, she's our man! If she can't do it, no one can!
--Whitehall Ferry Terminal
Lady on cell: When you done turn Governor, you can't play dat shit...
--Associated Supermarket, Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PdQ
Wherever Wednesday One-Liners Go, There They Are
Man on cell: I'm at the bad Duane Reade right now... Yeah, the one on 14th street...I know that's the good one, but it's in danger zone.
--Duane Reade, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: not in danger zone
Girl on cell: I'm in like the Middle East somewhere... Where are you?
--56th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: dnuggets
Hipster on cell: No, I swear to god I am not in Montreal!
--Outside Alligator Lounge, Williamsburg
Overheard by: miles
Lady yelling into pay phone, by platform: I'm in Yonkers! I'm right by the train!
--W 242 & Broadway, Bronx
Overheard by: Krisztina
Harried guy in suit on his cell: Yeah well, I'm at the Port Authority...I hear this is where the buses leave from.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: JoBell
Screaming man on pay phone: Yo -I told yo ass to meet me on 33rd and 5th. I be standin' here and you ain't here. [Pause.] What the fuck do you mean!? I be on da corner waiting for yo ass for the past fifty minutes. I only get an hour for lunch. Now you gone and messed up my day cuz yo ass ain't show up. [Pauses, speaks more calmly.] I'm on da corner of 33rd and 5th. [Screaming again.] Don't tell me yo ain't see me! I'm standing right here!
--35th & Madison
That's the Biggest Wednesday One-Liner I've Ever Seen on a Man
Worker: ... Just stick it in your pocket. I mean, seven inches isn't bad.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: EthanK
Guy: So I tried to set my password to "Penis".
Girl: [...]
Guy: It said my password wasn't long enough.
--66th & Broadway
College kid to girlfriend: You make me feel sometimes like ten inches isn't enough.
--12th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Strand Customer
Asian girl on cell: It's six inches. [Laughs.] Wait... What's six inches?
--CUNY Queensborough
Drunk guy pissing against wall, on cell: I got my dick out at 14th street! Yeah, it's 14 inches!
--Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Tend to Ramble On
Old man at the bar: Everyday that I wake up and see that my name isn't in the obituaries is a good day.
--Cafe des Artistes Bar
Older woman, to friend: Then we're going to have to do the suntan lotion thing, and that's going to be a nightmare.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: EthanK
Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there's a lot of old people on this train. I bet they're all wishing they were our age again. Suckers!
--N Train
Overheard by: Hannah
Old lady, to man playing steel drums as she dances along to the music: Shalom! That was awesome, my man!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Elderly woman to elderly friends: So then Andy comes down in his bikini, and of course all the old women go crazy...
--56th & 1st Ave
Old lady looking into fancy cafe: Another shithole!
--74th near Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Old lady: Geraldine, do you want to come up later and play... With my wireless router!
--Clark & Herny
Overheard by: Lacy
Wednesday One-Liners Snort When They Laugh
Guy to self: Doctor Jean Grey has the most powerful orgasm of all the X-Men.
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: Stan
Engineering school chick, screaming: And I was like, 'Oh my god, this is the worst protractor ever!'
--Columbia University
Skanky hipster chick to another: I would totally do him... But only if I had the ninja outfit on.
--Ludlow St.
[Four NYPD cops are checking people's bags at rush hour. A man in a suit appears to be their superior.]
Man in suit: But then he realizes that Jedis don't seek revenge. [The four cops all nod gravely.]
--W 4th St Subway Station
Overheard by: KL
Fiftyish suit: Chewbacca, the original wingman...
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Ike
Woman on cell: I'm busy. I've got things to do. And right now what I'm doing is looking at comic books.
--Forbidden Planet
Overheard by: Josh
Chick: We were always competing to be chief geek... But he had asperger's, so he won.
--Central Park
Please Silence Your Phone During the Wednesday One-Liners
Preppy girl: I really loved that movie. I thought it was titillating... And not just because there was cock and balls. I don't care about that.
--Third Avenue
Guy to self: Brokeback mountain... Starring Hillary Clinton!
--Herald Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Worst Movie Ever
Doofette: I mean like I know it got the Oscar and all, but I thought "No Country for Old Men" was pretty boring. I have to admit though the choreography was amazing.
--SoHo
Thug, peddling pile of DVDs: Ghetto Blockbuster! I am your ghetto Blockbuster! I got movies, CDs, porno. [Another group of customers walks in.] I got that action, comedy, romance and I got that pussy! I am your friendly neighborhood ghetto Blockbuster.
--24 Hour McDonalds, Water & Moore
Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed
Creepy hipster: You'd think you can't have sex to "Silence of the Lambs"...
--Huron St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Dude on cell: If you like murder, you're gonna love this movie!
--48 Bus
I Recommend You Go South for the Winter
Hobo: Yo man, it's freezing outside! Can I get a shirt?
Teenager with suitcase: No, go away.
Hobo: Come on man, you probably got like ten shirts in there.
Teenager with suitcase: Listen to me bum, you're already wearing ten shirts, you're not getting a shirt.
Bum: My name's Max.
Teenager with suitcase: I'm Peter.
--Penn Station
Obscenity: The Universal Language
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: [sign language].
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: Motherfucker!
--A Train
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