All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Foreskin Deep

Man to cop: I know my dick is big, but I didn’t know it was illegal.

–Yankee Stadium bathroom

Overheard by: howie ray

Guy: My penis practically has a halo right now.

–N 10th & Bedford

Australian lady: Oh, look! It’s the penis people again!

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Girl on cell: So, wait — let me get this straight — last night you dreamed that you were coming out of the shower, looked down, and saw my head instead of your dick? … Well, was my head in the shape of a dick? … Oh, then no, that’s not weird.

–Sullivan St

Overheard by: someone needs new friends

Big black lady on cell: His penis was about as big as… Hmmm, let me see here… Probably that stop sign over there. Yeah, that looks about right.

–25th & 6th

WASP lady to friend: … And then, I mean, you save the really expensive stuff for the penis.

–89th & Madison

Overheard by: Dani

You Look Like People Who Could Use Some Wednesday One-Liners

Paper guy: AM News! AM News! Low prices! Low-tech news!

–Greeley Square, 32nd St

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Thug handing out flyers: You don’t have to take one, it’s okay, because at the end of the day I’ll still be crisp.

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Alex Berkowitz

Umbrella vendor, after it starts raining: It’s not too late… Save her hairdo!

–W. 47th St. & Broadway

Overheard by: Maggie

Flyer guy: Oh, man, I can’t do this — this job ain’t for me. I can’t take all the rejection!

–Clinton & Delancey

Guy selling umbrellas: I believe in all of you! I have umbrellas for you!

–33rd & 7th

Overheard by: smoon

Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to friend: I’ll poop on them! I’ll poop all over anyone or anything — that’s not the problem. Just please don’t cut my vagina!

–34th St

Overheard by: tori

High school kid: So, we’re on the train and he pulls down and his pants and takes a shit right there on the seat! To top it off, he takes the shit and starts writing with it. He writes ‘This train smells shitty’ with the shit! [After kid leaves with posse, old lady bursts out laughing.]

–McDonald’s, Ditmars

Overheard by: it was her!

Crackhead to no one, checking out lady passerby: Damn, look at that ass! I’d suck the shit outta that ass…

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: wasn’t that nice

Man, pointing to woman’s dog: You have to squeeze his innards to make sure he poops at the right time…

–15th & Union Square West

Overheard by: glad i’m not that dog….

Drunk girl to kneeling friend: I’m gonna shit on your face!

–10th & 3rd

Asian guy: Horse shit is awesome!

–The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Pulling Out Would Work

Woman on cell: … Then, when she found out my dog was pregnant, she stopped talking to me.

–77th & Broadway

22-year-old girl: I waited eight years before I got pregnant again, and I got in three fights while I was pregnant with him, but only two with this one. But one of those doesn’t really count, because I punched that bitch in the face and she was out.

–R train

Guy on cell: Yeah? I wish my mother was smoking crack when she was pregnant with me!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: walking by

Guy on cell: You’re pregnant? Who’s the father? Steve?! That’s why God invented abortions.

–NYU

Overheard by: Jeffrey Lebowski

Tween girl: … And a bunch of pregnant people started slapping each other!

–84th & 5th

Overheard by: Olivia

Thug to girlfriend: Who you pregnant about? ‘Cause it ain’t mine!

–23rd St station

Wednesday One-Liners Bump Uglies

Hipster girl: Yeah, but there’s a big difference between having a social life and having a social life with someone you want to have sex with.

–Bedford Ave

Lady: So, do you even want to put that in me anymore?

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Luke

Black guy to posse: What?! I don’t go to the ones where you can have sex with them!

–Chelsea

20-ish girl to friend: Dude, he, like, humps my leg on command!

–19th & Broadway

Overheard by: sweetchuck

White girl to friends: Just remember — I made a sex tape so you don’t have to!

–Bar 13

Hey, Sports Fans, It’s Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl: When I lived in Miami is when I really got into ice hockey.

–8th & Mercer

Black guy to white friends: Yo, Mets got no ‘rithmetic!

–63rd & Queens Blvd

Conductor over PA: Well, fuck me! Either we go bowling or we don’t go bowling!

–R train, 5th Ave

Drunk girl: I’d rather change my vagina into a penis than be a Devils fan!

–Ranger Game, MSG

Conductor: Welcome to New York’s Penn Station. This will be the last stop. Today has been declared ‘Be Nice to a Met Day.’ If you see anyone in a Mets jersey or t-shirt, be nice to them. They’ve had a rough couple of weeks.

–NJ Transit

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Discharge, but Not from the Army

Girl: I gotta wake up at eight AM for this class, and I ain’t even curin’ AIDS or anythin’!

–Columbia University

Teen buying travel-size toothpaste, toothbrush, and mouthwash: Do you have a bathroom?! Can I use your bathroom?! I just made out with a guy who has herpes — you have to let me use the goddamn bathroom!

–Duane Reade, Amsterdam

JAP on cell: Well, was it a lot of herpes?

–24th & 6th

Overheard by: Austin

Chick: It was alright… He did me in the butt. Wait… Can you get STDs from doing it in the butt? [Friend laughs.] What’s funny? I’m serious!

–Manhattan-bound L train

Suit on cell: He wants a birthday present, too? I already gave him chlamydia this week! Who does he think I am, fucking Santa?!

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Just a Phase, Dad

Amazed guy: So, I totally thought I was gay ’til I fucked her!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Wex

Hot Indian girl with friend: I should host a gay reading hour where I regale the gays with stories of my encounters with B-list celebrities. They can all sit on a carpet at my feet.

–S’Nice, off 8th Ave

Overheard by: Robert

Suit: I had to move to Westchester — my wife would’ve found out I was gay if we stayed in the city.

–38th & 5th

Biotech: Protesting is gay.

–Manhattan College

Overheard by: Marco M.

Teen hipster, vehemently: I swear, I was talking about this with my mom. I really want to be a gay man!

–Hammerstein Ballroom

Pretty mom on cell, pushing stroller: She’s gay… Well, mostly gay. She’ll fuck a guy in a pinch.

–7th Ave & Union, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Played Grand Theft Auto in Drivers’ Ed

EMT assisting guy covered in blood: We’re going to take you to Wyckoff Hospital. It’s– oh, man! You have a Wii!

–Bushwick

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Mom to son playing video game poorly: No! You gotta get out the way! Don’t let them things get ya! Them sharks is trying to get ya! [Sighs.]

–125th St station

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Man to friend: Okay, so we’ll go play some video games and then go watch some naked women.

–Times Square

Little boy cheering on friend playing game: Yay, you get to kill people!

–GameStop, South St Seaport

Overheard by: Robert

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Believe the Filth and the Prices

NY-er, as visitor friend hesitates at crosswalk: It is so touristy to be afraid of getting hit by cars.

–34th & Broadway

Father to young son: The species tourist vulgaris is identified by the fanny pack and the new white sneakers.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: poomer

Woman with southern twang: The only good thing about living in this shithole is at least no one thinks I’m a tourist anymore.

–Woodhaven & Jamaica

Chick seeing group of Japanese tourists with cameras and "I <3 NY" shirts: Stereotype! –Washington Square Park Overheard by: lezbotron

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