All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners: The E! True Hollywood Story

Dude to another: You’re not so bad yourself. You look like Kevin Nealon on a good day. A good day!

–22nd & Broadway

Overheard by: I wish

Man: Ahmadinejad is not a baller.

–114th, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Old Russian man to skate rat: Excuse me, what for are they talking about when they say, ‘J. Lo is meat curtains’?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Billy Splatts!

Goth girl: So, I’m like Jon Benet Ramsey, parenthetically speaking.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: meliss

Woman: … So then I rolled over, and it was Bill Murray on Rollerblades playing drums on my windowpane!

–Prince & Thompson

Overheard by: Emily

Wednesday One-Liners Open the Doors of Perception

Guy on cell: Just take some Vicodin and smoke some pot, and you’ll be fine.

–Pratt Institute

Hipster: The last time we were shrooming, I Febreezed the shit out of you.

–5th & 2nd

Overheard by: Tim Houghton

Chick on cell: I don’t know what you’re saying, but I have a ton of weed, so it doesn’t matter.

–9th & 5th

Overheard by: traPt

Old, crunchy hipster: I’m all set — I’ve got my weed in this pocket, and my granola bar in this one!

–Zappa Plays Zappa, Beacon Theater

Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I’m allergic to heroin.

–Duane Reade, 145th St

Overheard by: I hope benadryl doesn’t cure that allergy

Wednesday Feliners

Frat boy: This time the cat wasn’t bigger than my cock at all!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Last time it was, though.

Crazy dude: Cats tryin’ to eat me out here… If you eat me, I’ma eat you, too! I ain’t no snack!

–A train

Overheard by: Marlena Mc

20-ish suit: … Found out my dad murdered my cat when I was kid… He told me it ran away, then he confessed last night at the party. What an asshole! But he got me a dog right after he killed the cat, so it didn’t bother me so much.

–7th St

Chick: We threw my friend a wedding shower that was a luau. It was great — grass skirts, the whole bit. Only 20 bucks a person — really reasonable. We even got these sand terrarium things, which was awesome until my cat decided it would be a great place to drop a load.

–Hill Country BBQ, W 26th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Suit on cell: There’s more than one way to peel a cat.

–51st & Broadway

Pick Up, Wednesday One-Liners — I Know You’re There, Dammit!

Drunk man on pay phone: What are you doing? … You weren’t waiting for me to call, motherfucker! You were not! You motherfucker…

–106th & 2nd

Seven-year-old girl on cell: I’ve been getting hundreds of calls today.

–95th & Broadway

Chick on cell: Oh, and happy birthday, to your face. Well, your phone-face.

–12th & 2nd

Angry lady on cell: You have a Sprint phone? You son of a bitch!

–11th & 3rd

JAP on cell: The iPhone makes you look fat? You’re crazy… It really does?

–Duane Reade, 28th & Park

Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners

Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos… They hurt like hell!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of the other!

–JMZ

Dude: Well, I’ve got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.

–Bedford & N 7th

Overheard by: Dylan

Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!

–Dean & DeLuca

TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!

Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that’s right — crying about how my life turned out.

–Rachel’s Restaurant

Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it’s really a family bonding experience, so it’s good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that’s even better!

–Shea Stadium

Drug dealer to crying girl: Don’t cry. Buy some weed.

–Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson

Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!

–L platform, Lorimer.

Overheard by: einladle

Stoner: If by crying you mean ‘ice cream and ecstasy,’ then yeah.

–9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ryan H

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Pet the Rabbits, George

Teacher, stopping abruptly in middle of lecture: Just for the record, I’m from Atlanta. Hence the accent. You were probably thinking I’m retarded or something… Nope… Just from the South.

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Overheard by: Tomato

NYU student on cell: Okay, um I don’t want to offend you or anything, but you are so totally retarded!

–Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Big white dude on cell: … And that’s why we’re obviously killing people — because people are retarded.

–6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: fast walker

Black guy: There are 52 states in the U.S., and not one of them has a retarded black person.

–61st & Amsterdam

Woman to gay friend: You’re not retarded — you’re just creative.

–19th & 8th

Wednesday, As in “One-Liners”

Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette…

–Broadway-Lafayette platform

Man on cell: A is for fuckin’ apple!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Zarek

Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!

–6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That’s Q, as in ‘quickie…’ Which y’all better not be havin’ on my train!

–Q train to 57th St

Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in ‘zebra,’ or Z as in ‘xylophone’?

–Doctor’s office, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: Heavy D

To Wednesday, Perchance to One-Liner

Conductor: Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey!

–Penn Station

College girl: Oh, no-no-no-no. Do not even get me started on teacher-student fantasies, okay? I have dreamed about my senior year English teacher every night for months, okay? It’s magical, yet haunting, yet I’m terrified but don’t want it to stop. It’s taken over my mind. So don’t even try to compete with me on teacher-student fantasies. You will lose.

–Columbia University

Middle schooler: Sometimes, when I look at certain people, I feel so tired.

–School bus stop, 5th & 5th

Chick: I know, and I’m addicted to dreams, too!

–Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Janet

Conductor: We now return you to your regularly scheduled nap, already in progress.

–Metro-North, 125th St

A Slutathon of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: So, I ended up giving him head in a closet at Allie’s party. Am I a skank? Yes. Do I care? No.

–Starbucks

Chick on cell: I have casual, meaningless sex. It’s what I do. It’s like a cornerstone of my life… Yeah, so why is he calling me to tell me what he’s buying at the grocery store? It’s like, ‘Call your fucking girlfriend for that.’

–E 93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: aunt petunia

Man on cell: … Coming from a woman who’s having an adulterous affair. Yes, I’m a total slut. I take no offense at that.

–Broadway, between Prince & Spring

Overheard by: Leslie G.

Saucy chick: I was hoping you had a juicy connection to him via a slutty friend at Oberlin.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Chick on cell: Of course I will be in your wedding party, as long as you don’t call me ‘maid.’ I looked up the definition, and it means ‘sexually inexperienced.’ They don’t call it ‘man-whore of honor.’

–Bus stop, Flatbush & 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lala

Dude to chick: Having self respect is too hard. You should be a slut. At least for a little while.

–Chambers St

Overheard by: maria

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