20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?
–Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison
Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?
–Port Authority
High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what’s that mall over there?!
–64th & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter
Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?
–110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier
Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?
–The Met
High school chick: You can totally get rid of syphilis with a pill. I know, because my boyfriend gave it to me.
–Gravy Restaurant, Brooklyn
Hipster to friend: If it’s me we’re talking about, I’d rather have HIV than syphilis. But that’s just me.
–Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: passerby
Teen girl on cell: There’s no way I’m inviting her to my Sweet Sixteen. I mean, she gave my brother herpes!
–Urban Outfitters, Soho
JAP on cell: Ummm… Some crazy lady just threw her coffee all over my legs. You don’t think I’ll get AIDS, do you?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Christina
Old lady on cell: Well, HIV isn’t contagious…
–JFK
WASP lady on cell: Woo-hoo! Herpes! Mexican herpes! Yay!
–57th & Madison
Overheard by: benvolio
Excited white gangsta: … And all’s they did was take some blood from the baby and sees that it had gonorrhea, and I was cleared!
–148th & 3rd, Bronx
Girl: I was afraid I was going to say something like, ‘I named my fetal pig after you!’
–40th & 8th
Man: Sent him a picture — it wasn’t him. When he got there, it was a fat little pig…
–43rd & 9th
Overheard by: cjs
UWS mom to baby in stroller: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, this little piggy had tofu, this little piggy had none… And this little piggy went, ‘Wee, wee, wee!’ all the way home.
–1 train, 79th St
Overheard by: PJ
Woman: Pigs are much happier in Europe. I know.
–Court St., Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Katie Bunny
Frumpy drunk lady to NYU kids: When we were cavemen we were more telepathic.
–Essex Ale House
Overheard by: jen
Ghetto chick arguing with coworker: … And I won’t be dealing with you for the simple fact that I don’t like your aura!
–Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital
Overheard by: tricia
Conductor to bewildered passenger who missed his stop: So, you remember when I was sayin’ that if you aren’t in the first five cars the doors wouldn’t open at South Ferry? Well, you weren’t in the first five cars, and the doors didn’t open at South Ferry. I’m fuckin’ psychic like that.
–1 train platform, Rector St
Overheard by: Scott
Girl on date: So it’s really bad, ’cause I’ve got this thinking problem. It’s like, I can’t ever concentrate because I’m just always thinking! … So, let me tell you why numerology cards work best for Scorpios.
–122nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
Big black guy on cell: Hope you meditate yourself into a coma!
–Lawrence St
Teen to friends: Yo, who is he? He can’t stop your dick from goin’ where it wants to go.
–125th St station
Overheard by: But I can…
Kid emerging from Sex Ed class: So, if we look at the penis that is Manhattan Island, your house is right on the frenulum.
–Hunter College High
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Woman on phone: I know, he’s an alright guy, it’s just that he won’t stop runnin’ his mouth. I’m telling you, we were making love and he was telling me how his freakin’ day was! I found myself wishing I had a dick just so I could stick it in his mouth and get some quiet!
–D’Agostinos, between 79th & 80th
Overheard by: BritBoy
Drunk frat boy: I’m going to miss you guys! I’m losing the greatest penis in the world!
–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Hobo: When life gives you lemons… you show me how big your penis is! Haha! Bet you didn’t know I was going to say that, did ya? Did ya, you cracker faggot?!
–79th & Columbus
Overheard by: not white and straight
Old lady hoochie with buck teeth, on cell: I have no fucking idea what I did between August and yesterday…
–183rd & Ft. Washington Ave
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Old man: Sex has changed since I last had it.
–14th & 7th
Irritated old fart: If we end up on Eighth Avenue, it’ll be a tragedy!
–C train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Emily B.
Old man: What do they smoke up here?
–116th & Broadway
20-something chick: You know, Hillary, this is the time in your life when you can go to work hung over.
–Shiki, St. Mark’s & 1st
Overheard by: Alison R.
Subway musician: Hey, boys and girls, today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. Yeah, take your kid to work, leave them, and go to TGI-Friday’s! Read the contract, kids!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Scott
Black man on cell: What ’bout that shorty you work with? No, not the thick one… Yeah, the juicy one.
–Elevator, 605 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Sudden urge to eat steak
Tall man on cell: I wasn’t drinking on the job! I was drinking before the job even started!
–Liberty & Church
Overheard by: pollie
Girl to boyfriend: Can’t you be good at something besides getting fired?
–36th & Madison
Woman, about guy in giant pirate hat: Maybe he works in a seafood restaurant… It’s that or his mom didn’t love him enough.
–Ditmars stop, N train
Overheard by: fan of the hat
Woman to friend: I don’t deserve to have ACS called on me! I’m a good mom! Sort of.
–Astoria Park Track, Astoria
Overheard by: Bridgettttttt
Loud man on cell: Can you hear me? Your mother! Can you hear me now? No? Your mother!
–83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Loud and Clear
Large black lady running down crowded street: My mama didn’t raise me right!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: anna
Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: #2
Drunk guy: Yeah, I’d pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.
–5th & Ave B
Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin’ the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin’ mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.]
–Classroom, 106th & 1st
Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!
–JFK
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl on cell: I don’t like you, bye. No, I really don’t like you. You’re not my friend. Bye. No, I don’t like you!
–Manhattan-bound Q train
Overheard by: I love you too… now shut up!
Security guard on phone: I have a lot of friends… I have a lot of friends. I don’t need to live with my friends, under my house.
–Columbia University
Girl on cell: All I heard all night was, ‘Oh my god, that’s Rachel. I used to date her sister’s roommate!’ And, ‘Oh my god, that’s Evan. Her brother went to camp with my ex-girlfriend’s cousin!’ I’m either gonna have to learn how to fake-play Jewish geography, or find myself some non-Jewish friends… Yes, I realize neither of those is possible.
–33rd & 7th
Drunk lunatic screaming at another: Do you wanna die?! Or do you wanna be my friend?!
–31st & Broadway
Overheard by: please don’t make me choose!
Conductor: Excuse me! Excuse me! A little frottage amongst friends never hurt anyone!
–Crowded Metro-North, New Haven Line
Overheard by: vanessa
