Coach lecturing a mesmerized group of prefrosh: I am able to diagnose psychological issues very accurately because I used to suffer from them myself. So, for example, your typical goth girl will have below-average self-esteem. Girls who dance with their hands above their heads or who are obsessed about their purses date a lot and also suffer from low self-esteem.
–Downtown 1 train, 86th Street
Overheard by: Daniel
Girl #1: That Major English Texts class is ridiculous. You had to memorize soo much.
Girl #2: You’re not even in that class! I’m in that class…so I would know. You shouldn’t be complaining!
Girl #1: I’m the TA, asshole.
–Columbia University
Bored tour guide: Will your son use the gym? Does Satan like team sports?
Parents of shy 17-year-old: Uh. . .our son’s name is “Sie-tahn”. No team sports, but he’s been a life-guard.
Tour guide: Oh, Satan likes to swim?
–Outside Dodge Fitness Center, Columbia University
Incoming chirp: Where you at?
Guido #1: I fuckin’ hate this shit, man! In the morning 8 am, while I’m takin’ a shit, all fuckin’ day! “Where you at?” Just leave me the fuck alone!
Guido #2: Hahaha…Why don’t you just turn it off?
Guido #1: Nah, then I wouldn’t get chirped.
–College of Staten Island
Girl #1: That was so good! I’m so full!
Girl #2: Yeah… If this were freshmen year, I would totally go puke.
–Shake Shack
Crazy guy: Ain’t you people heard of the Treaty of Versailles? I gots mothafuckin’ rights, mothafuckas!
NYU tour guide: Washington Square Park is the vibrant center of campus…
Crazy guy: Rights! You can’t just be dropping mustard gas on me, like that mothafucka from Tennessee be doin’. The Treaty of Versailles says I got rights!
Tour mom: Oh my god! They have mustard gas here now? I told you this city wasn’t safe.
Crazy guy: This bitch understands that I got rights!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Laura Mathis
Woman: I’m never going to be in the “in crowd” because the “in crowd” are all molecular biologists and have labs.
–F train
Overheard by: Eric Wrenn
Chick: Yeah, our RA put up this poster listing these words we’re not
supposed to say because they’re offensive.
Guy: What can’t you say?
Chick: “Bitch”, “retarded”, “gay”, “fag”, “slut”, and “gypped”.
Guy: “Gypped”? Why “gypped”?
Chick: I dunno, it’s offensive to gypsies or something.
Guy: Do gypsies even go to NYU, let alone college?
Chick: Maybe she’s from Romania and shit.
–Hayden Hall Residence, Washington Square West
Overheard by: Glynnis O
Guy: Are you going to the gym after this?
Girl: Are you going to the mean house?
Guy: That was, without a doubt, the lamest comeback I have ever heard in my life.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jessica R
Guy: But you’re my Asian…
Girl: I don’t know. You haven’t been feeding me lately.
Guy: You’re not a Tamagatchi!
Girl: Maybe I am.
–Tisch School of the Arts, Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Dan O’Connor
