Lady: Why are you wearing a St. John’s shirt? Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: It’s a college, Agnes.
Lady: Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: No, my sister does.
Lady: Then why isn’t she wearing it?
–McDonald’s, Francis Lewis Blvd & Willets Pt, Queens
Thug #1, with meowing kitten in backpack: Yo, if you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m gonna snap ya neck. You about to get clapped by ya master.
Thug #2, with litter box: Yeah, son — about to get clapped.
–Broadway Junction
Chick #1: If I have sex with you, will you shut up?
Guy: Maybe.
Chick #2: Find an alley and do it, because I’m going to be late for my hair appointment.
–F train, Queens
Chick on cell: How long will it be for a cab to Forest Hills?
Deadpan dispatcher: About 15 minutes.
Chick on cell: Ohhh… How long will it be if I call back in half an hour?
Deadpan dispatcher: I can’t predict the future, ma’am.
–Kew Gardens, Queens
Overheard by: Stephanie
Chick changing baby on bedding display: Do we need to buy this pillow now?
Hubby: Did he shit on it?
Chick: I don’t think.
Hubby, smelling pillow: S’all good.
Chick, holding dirty diaper and wipes: Where’s that shelf with the trash cans?
–Target, Queens
Headline by: Redneck Jedi
Runners-Up:
· “Mentioning Britney Spears Would Just Be Too Easy” – chelsea
· “Over There, Under the Security Cameras” – Katy
· “Over by That Sense Of Decency You Apparently Can’t Afford.” – Beryl
· “The New York Native Living Off The Land” – harris
· “Wait.. for the Baby or the Diaper..?” – Mike N.
· “Where Do They Think They Are? WalMart?” – Bill
Old male lawyer: You can’t just call the client and say, ‘Hello, you don’t know me, but I’m about to try your case.’
Young female associate: Why not? We’re in the same firm.
Old male lawyer: Let me try to explain this in terms that might make an impression on you. Imagine if you went to your gynecologist who you’ve been using for a long time, and while you’re lying there in the stirrups his new associate who you’ve never met walks in and sticks his fingers into you.
Young female associate, wide-eyed: I see what you mean.
–Civil Court, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
Middle-aged woman #1: Our waitress is so nice.
Middle-aged woman #2: A bit stern, though — very serious.
Middle-aged Jewish man: Must be from the Soviet Union.
–Diner, Queens
Bimbette #1: So, like, for my essay I wrote about the Jew migration in the 19th century…
Bimbette #2: Oh my god, what Jew migration?! You mean, like, oh my god — like Moses leading them out of Egypt like in the Red Sea?!
–Oakland Gardens, Queens
White tween: Everyone has a MySpace.
Asian tween: I don’t have a MySpace.
White tween: You don’t got a MySpace? Why not?
Asian tween: ‘Cause it’s the easiest way to meet sexual predators.
White tween, laughing: Nah, don’t worry. You ain’t ever gonna meet any sexual predators — you’re ugly.
–PS 173 playground, Fresh Meadows
Dad: A geek is someone ugly but very smart.
Six-year-old son: Ugly, but very smart…
Dad: Actually, a geek is really someone in the circus that bites the heads off of chickens.
–75th & Roosevelt, Jackson Heights
Overheard by: geek lover
