Queens

Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around

Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.

–M42 bus

Overheard by: Dan Alcalde

Transit cop: I guess I’ll pretend to do something here.

–Queens Plaza station

Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!

–1 train

Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It’ll get you on the train, it’ll get you on the bus.

–A train

Overheard by: Timothy C

Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: P. Mills

Chick: The cabdriver wouldn’t let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Steve Carbo

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.

–over LaGuardia

Overheard by: Dana Clair

Maybe This is More of a Snopes.com Entry

Guy: Did you hear about the Hasidic Jew that fell off the upper deck at Yankee Stadium and landed on the field?
Girl: Uh, no.
Guy: Never mind. Maybe it’s just an urban legend.

–Ozone Park

Giving Old Meaning to the Term “Sophomore”

Professor: Does anyone know the significance of Plato?
Girl #1: Wasn’t he a writer?
Girl #2: No, that was Plateau.

–LaGuardia Community College

Relax, It Was Yo-Yo Instructions

Dad: …you’ve got to use your middle finger.
Son: Which one’s the middle finger?
Dad: This one.
Son: Why’s it called the middle finger?
Dad: Because it’s in the middle of your hand, I guess. There’s two fingers on either side.
Son: That’s retarded.
Dad: It may sound retarded, but that’s the way it is.

–Astoria corner store

Shoving Things “There”: No Longer Weird

Bi guy #1: So do you have a lot of threesomes?
Bi guy #2: My girlfriend likes to see me take it up the ass. She’s weird like that.

–Chelsea taxicab

Teen girl #1: How do you know it’s uncomfortable?
Teen girl #2: Just put something in your ass and walk around with it.
Teen girl #1: In your ass?
Teen girl #2: Well, on your ass.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sara R.

Drunk suit: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Irish barman: Only if you have an enema with you, ’cause I’m going to shove it up your arse when I’m done.

–Nancy Whiskey Pub, Lispenard Street

“Oh. So you’re Korean.”

White guy: You know, on the Tokyo subways they have people who push passengers onto trains. Uh, have you ever been to Tokyo?
Asian guy: No.
White guy: Oh. Are you Japanese?
Asian guy: No.
White guy: Oh. Where you from?
Asian guy: Queens.

–N train

Overheard by: Rich

Jimmy Fallon and Latifah Have Already Optioned the Rights

Old white veteran: Why can’t I walk? Did I have a stroke?
Black lady aide: You can walk.
Old veteran: Then who’s that wheelchair belong to?
Black lady aide: You can walk, but you can’t walk far.

–VA Center, St. Albans, Queens

Overheard by: Eddie Blanco

There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends

Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can’t help it. He’s half black… what? He is.

–Queens

The Court Order was Overturned

Guy #1: He’s always dressed in Gucci, Versace, and all that shit.
Guy #2: Nigga, if I was skinny I’d wear nice stuff too.
Guy #1: Yeah, I’m sure it’s your weight that’s keeping you from wearing Gucci.

–Queensboro Plaza station

Overheard by: Preebz

Wednesday One-liners Belong in a Zoo

Girl: Yeah, so, did you hear that the bald eagle isn’t extinct anymore?

–Central Park

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