Queer guys

Not That There’s Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners

Queer: So he showed up at the store in a t-shirt and towel and asked for Butt Paste!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Rachel P

Queer: I will have no part in making babies!

–Brooklyn-bound A train

Queer to approaching fag hag: Hi! Oh my god, you really do look like a suicide victim!

–Blockheads, 50th & 8th

Overheard by: ashley

Teen queer to friends: Hey! Tell pickle-juice-titties to come on! We gettin’ up out this faggot function.

–135th & St. Nicholas Ave

Overheard by: Just Another Harlemite

Queer: When I get bored around two in the morning I start throwing a rubber band ball at the wall. Then I take a cardboard box and use it to keep the ball from hitting me… It’s a rush.

–185th & Bennett

Overheard by: LSB

Dude, a Chick Who Could Eat Her Own Tuna Would Never Leave the House

Woman: I like tuna, but… you know, like, sometimes the smell’s bad.
Queer: Yeah… Especially when it’s not your own.

–Bleecker & Crosby

If You’re Gonna Be My Hag, You Have to Entertain Me

Queer: Where’d you lose your voice?
Girl: Oh, no — I’m sick.
Queer: Oh, you weren’t screaming?
Girl: No, I’m just sick.
Queer: Oh, I wish you had, like, a party or something.

–Baruch College, Newman Vertical campus

The Real Reason We Invaded Iraq

Queer: That was so disappointing. What was that director thinking? And that drum! Jesus, that drum — the most important scene probably in the last hundred years of Dramatic Literature. I mean, the girl is saving the town, for God’s sake — it’s supposed to be heroic — and they give her a tiny toy drum, practically a fucking tambourine! It makes the scene funny and ludicrous! It’s like, what are they fighting for, for Christ’s sake?!
Passing B&T woman: Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? What are they ever fighting for?
Queer: Certainly not that fucking drum.

–Outside the Delacorte Theater, Central Park

Why You See Condoms in Alleys: Explained

Drunk queer #1: I can’t stand the fucking bitch! I shouldn’t have to sneak you up there! Oooh, we could try it between those buildings!
Drunk queer #2: That’ll show her!

–16th & 6th

Overheard by: Hoping they don’t decide to show me….

I Took Him Shopping

Queer #1: I had a dream last night that I had cancer, but Ty Pennington showed up and built me a house!
Queer #2: The real question is, did you also have sex with him in the dream?
Queer #1: Come on, that would have been tacky!

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: Kyle

And He Was Being Sarcastic, Mister “Funky Chicken”

Flamboyant queer: Oh my god, the black security guards complimented my moves! That’s like the Nobel Prize of dancing!
Fag hag: I don’t think Nobel Prizes work that way…

–Stuyvesant High

I’m Still Good Friends with That Senator, Though

Queer: So, I lost my virginity at 13 for all the wrong reasons.
Friend: Haha!
Queer: I’m serious.
Friend: Oh… Really?!

–180th & Ft Washington

Overheard by: reading and laughing

“What Kind of a Republican Senator Are You?!” I Bellowed.

Queer #1: Who were you trying to give head to in the photo booth?
Queer #2: Oh, Jason — you weren’t there. He wouldn’t go for it, though, so we’re not together anymore.
Queer #1: I’m sorry.
Queer #2: … Really for a multitude of reasons… Refusing to engage in oral sex at a work party was like, well, the last straw.

–1st & 1st

That’s Okay — She Didn’t Mean It

Girl: I’m so glad you’re moving in with us.
Queer: Me, too. I was talking to my roommate the other day — the one I hate — and she was like, ‘I feel like once you move out I’ll never see you and we won’t hang out anymore.’ And I was just thinking, ‘Bitch, when I move out, you’re coming off my MySpace! You was just a pity add!’

–Central Park

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