Wednesday One-Liners

Lord of the Wednesday One-Liners

Sweet-looking old man teaching ballet: This is an adult ballet class. We have to try and do things correctly. A children’s ballet is different. Technically, it qualifies as child abuse.

–Steps on Broadway dance studio

Chick on cell: After the crash test dummy, there were two geishas who belly danced.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Hott Bi Luv

Chick: … But he didn’t expect it to be a bunch of animals — rabbits and bears in little outfits and shit. And doing little dances. And he was maaad…!

–1 train

Overheard by: Ladle

Agitated old Jew to wife: I’m just saying, for my money I want the Electric Slide, I want the Macarena, I want the Chicken Dance, you know what I mean?

–68th & Lex

Indignant mom: She secretly enrolled her in ballet without telling me!

–Monroe St & Franklin Ave, Brooklyn

Old Einstein-looking guy with charming European accent: I always wanted to be a belly dancer so I was surprised when I became a composer.

–Subway

Overheard by: Ben H

Wednesday One-Liners for Anderson Cooper

Suit on cell: Yeah, it was definitely a fucking adventure alright… I feel like fucking Harry Potter.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Nina

Angry suit on cell: I don’t say anything derogatory! If I did, I would say some things about you and your husband! You don’t scare me!

–36th, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: K-Flex

Suit: You know me — I always try to be a professional and a gentleman… until I’m in a trivia contest.

–26th & Park

Suit on cell: I have to go down to DC for a horse race… Actually, it’s Northern Virginia, so I’m thinking while I’m down there I’m going to stop by the Lincoln Memorial. Is that the place where everyone protests? I think I’ll stop by there and make a speech, then maybe I’ll take a shit on Capital Hill.

–2nd St & Ave A

Overheard by: Amandax

Suit: A practical joker? Isn’t that just called a felon?

–Office, Park Ave

Concerned suit to large, inflatable chicken: Hello? Hello? Is there someone in there? Can you hear me? Hello?

–45th & 3rd

Young Indian suit to another: You know, I don’t do shit anymore… All I do now is have sex and play with my Slinky.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Lerka

I Love the Smell of Wednesday One-Liners in the Morning

Basketball thug: Yo, my mama’s breasts smell like rusty pickles!

–Columbus Park, by City Hall

Overheard by:

Man: Dude, smell my cellphone…

–Broadway, Astoria

Fat tourist: I smell like a slave ship.

–Restaurant, Mulberry & Broome

Chick on cell: That is true, however, it is definitely not my fault your apartment smells like an ass crack.

–48th & 5th

Overheard by: Laurie

Fat black lady to son: Where is the train? I smell it, but where is it?

–Fulton & Pearl

Overheard by: Justin

Wednesday One-Liners: So Like Us

Young man: Horses are beautiful, man. They’re like fucking donkeys.

–Central Park

Frustrated kid: For the last time, monkeys do not have chlorophyll!

–Stuyvesant High

Overheard by: Sacagawea

Hobo leaning over and talking to squirrels: Why are you a squirrel?! Why?!

–Washington Square Park

Man: Once, I drove a horse! I took my belt over its head, and I drove that horse with my belt! That horse was like, ‘Woo-woo!’ You know Mary Jane? The candy. The peanut candy. I gave that horse Mary Jane and it went, ‘Woo-woo!’

–A train

Man on cell: … Is this the residence of a three-toed sloth? [Pause.] Are you the proud owner of a three-toed sloth?

–Clinton St & E Broadway

Overheard by: Chris

Blonde: So, I totally know this story. It was about this lion who became best friends with a deer, like, in Africa, and the lion wouldn’t, like, eat the deer, and the deer wouldn’t, like, run from the lion, but then the deer got really skinny and another lion ate him and the first lion got sad and died.

–NJ Transit train to Penn

Chick on cell: It’s been way too long since our sheep lisped.

–Harlem

These Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Run

35-ish lady to friend: I don’t even have anything in my mouth, and I still feel American.

–Smith & President

Ferry captain: Welcome to the United States. All crew members please report for docking…

–Manhattan-bound ferry

Overheard by: wondering where we were before…

Female writing professor: No, keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind. This is America, people — don’t be crazy.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Nina

Chick: Bleeding to death? Brain damage? I’m leaning towards gangrene. That’s just so all-American, Oregon Trail, you know? If he’s in this country, he’d better be ready to die like it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michelle

Professor: Brooklyn is not part of Long Island the same way New York is not part of America. We’re not in America right now.

–NYU

Overheard by: And Staten Island doesn’t exist.

Boricua thug: So I say, ‘Why you be poopin’ on the shirts of America?’

–5th Ave

The Countertransference of Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to obnoxious child: You need group therapy!

–7 train

Overheard by: Curly

Hipster chick: So, Therapist Rick came over last night and took the kids out for a walk. They had sore bums when they came back, but otherwise they were okay…

–92nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken

Little girl to dad: Last year in third grade I was really depressed!

–80th St, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Maif

20-ish lady on cell: Yeah, so I found out he’s a born-again Christian, which was kind of a turn-off because I never got into fundamentalist kink. But my therapist told me to try something new, so I think I’m going to fuck him anyway.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Josephine

Old man: My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don’t ever waste an erection, even if you’re alone.

–Restroom, York Theater

Girl on cell: No way! I totally hate my therapist, too!

–89th & 1st

Overheard by: Marisa

Wednesday One-Liners Get Stupid; I Mean, Outrageous

Lady to dude: The problem with being an idealist is that everyone else in the world is stupid.

–Housing Works bookstore

Loud broad on cell: You’re such an idiot! How could you be such an idiot?! That is idiotic… I can’t believe you are that much of an idiot… [Continues for minutes, then] Fine, Mom! I’ll speak to you soon.

–Train from Stamford

Father to small son: … And then for dessert we can have one of your stupid jokes.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Overheard by: good luck in therapy, kid

Ghetto chick: I’m never having a baby. By the time I figured out I was pregnant I would have smoked so much weed that it would definitely be dumb.

–The Loews, Lincoln Square

Bimbette: I don’t think that crack is that addictive. It can’t be that addictive. I think people are just stupid.

–R train, 5th Ave

Man: Oh, he’s not Irish, he’s just stupid.

–8th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners in TV/TG Land

Woman to friend: They couldn’t tell if I was a man or a woman, and I think that was so cool!

–W 39th & 7th

Long-haired creepster with sunglasses: I’m a MILF.

–13th & 5th

Women on cell: Oh, no, sweetie — wear a dress if you want to… Honey, this is New York — no one blinks an eye at a man wearing a dress… Well, I don’t know if you should wear a cocktail dress or not. I would say heels are appropriate…

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, Lincoln Center

Hobo: I’m pregnant and it’s a she-he. Hahahaha! [Runs away.]

–Gold & Fulton

Overheard by: drinkingmycoffee

Lady on cell: Tomorrow I’m watching a transvestite get tried in court. I’m really excited. Apparently, when the cops did the pat-down, they had a male do the bottom half and a woman do the top.

–E 82nd & 2nd

Overheard by: McCarton

Two-year-old girl with tube balloon between her legs: I’m a boy! I’m a boy!

–90th & 5th

Overheard by: Genderfucker

Beer belly on cell: You know — she was one of those transgenders! That’s why she was so hot!

–Driggs & N 5th, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Hit Bottom

80-year-old professor showing slide of two people and an orthosis: … And this picture is not S-and-M at all.

–Columbia Medical School

Overheard by: Shocked Student

Hipster: It’s not like we can’t dress her up in fishnets and tell her what to do.

–Bleecker & Cornelia

Four-year-old boy: Rough sex, make it hurt…

–Times Square

Overheard by: Suburban Liz

Chick on cell: I never told you! I ran into someone who was like, ‘I don’t know you, but I recognize you from a photo of you whipping another girl on my friend’s fridge’!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McF.

Computer science professor: Never implement a remove method for the iterator interface. Whoever did that deserves to be spanked for a long time. Unless he enjoys it.

–NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Ask Their Doctors about Valtrex

White girl: I hear you, sister. Why can’t I have genital warts just like everybody else?!

–Mambi, 177th & Broadway

Lady suit: He’s like, ‘There’s a new chemically-resistant strain of gonorrhea going around…’ He said it’s beginning to seriously affect his choice of lifestyle.

–5h Ave

Chick on cell: Well, my mom has the clap and my dad has herpes, so I don’t know what that means for me.

–Graham & Conselyea, Brooklyn

Overheard by: imeyer

Lady on cell: I have had this cold for, like, two weeks now. I don’t know — maybe I have AIDS.

–28 bus, Flushing Main St

Woman on cell: It’s not AIDS. No, Mom, I don’t have gonorrhea, either. It’s just some STD — they just don’t know what yet.

–Bank of America, 86th & Lex

Overheard by: Visiting Bostonian

Office girl: … So I say to him, ‘I’m not the one who’s going around giving everyone herpes!’ And he said, ‘I don’t see how that affects either one of us!’ And at that point I snapped and just went off on him.

–47th & 3rd

Guy to girlfriend who stepped in huge, dirty puddle: Ewww, you just stepped in AIDS!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: Emily Leonard

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