Wednesday One-Liners

Bluetooth Wednesday One-Liners

Chick yelling out window of hybrid SUV: I’m a better driver than you, and I’m texting at the same time!

–Westside Hwy

Overheard by: Glad I’m walking

Black guy to no one in particular: Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [Taps on cab window] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [To a little girl in stroller] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?

–58th & 9th

Overheard by: Jofo

Secretary-General of the model UN: Before we go, this phone was found in the bathroom — it’s a pink RAZR… It says ‘Stud muffin’ on it.

–United Nations

Crazy guy handing out Sprint flyers: Free camera phone! Soon you’ll be eating the robots!

–Outside Sprint, Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Deby

Hipster girl, addressing iPhone campers: You’re waiting for a phone?! I can understand if it was for cupcakes…

–Prince & Greene

Overheard by: non-mac nerd

Wednesday One-Liners Have Anti-Game

I-banker: It’s not so much finding girls — there are girls all over the place. It’s more finding girls who will have sex with you.

–52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: NCS

Dude on cell: Yeah, I got this boy here — he’s been celibate for two years. He likes Latin girls. Do you have any?

–Tattoo parlor, 6th Ave, near W 4th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Queer on cell: God, it’s like he’s so busy being transgender he’s got no time for sex anymore. [In a falsetto] Oh, call me ‘Meghan’ from now on. [Normal voice] Fuck that! I’m gay for a reason, you know?

–13th & 6th

Teenybopper: Ugh, I was such a prude in fifth grade.

–Beacon’s Closet, Park Slope

Overheard by: Ruby

Equal-Opportunity Wednesday One-Liners

Sex kitten on cell: … Body shots with hot, Brazilian, bi girls? Check.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McN.

Man on cell: … And now she likes girls, so what am I supposed to do?

–86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Karolyn

NYU broad: I figure I’ve got three more years before it’s not experimenting anymore… Of course I let him fuck me. If I didn’t, it’d just be like fucking a girl!

–NYU Silver Center

Guy on cell: I’m telling you, she slept with someone else in my bed… It was another woman… Well, she said it didn’t count.

–Outside Circus Bar, 43rd & 8th

Overheard by: tommy z

Teen boy recounting a fight at a school dance: … And so I told them, ‘Niggas better not fight, or my hand will be bisexual tonight, and I will slap you bitches!’

–J train

Hot chick on cell: How are we not millionaires with all our combined knowledge of meatotomy, Vegas, and bisexuality?

–Harlem

Overheard by: McNasty

Wednesday One-Liners for the Naked Cowboy

Old man on cell: Okay, well, I’m going to let you go. I’m seeing Spring Awakening, and I have to get settled and take my clothes off before the show starts.

–Eugene O’Neill Theater

Overheard by: Miki

Woman on cell: Mark, unless I undressed you, I don’t need your help!

–Outside CBS Broadcast Center, W 57th St

Fully-clothed little boy running with friend: I feel naked!

–Battery Park

Chick: You can still laugh with your shirt off.

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: wondering why this even needed to be said

Banker: Hermione better nude up for the next Harry Potter.

–60 Wall St

Hoochie: Let me tell you, there is a huge difference between a generally good party and a generally good party with naked girls.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Carry a Union Card

Hardhat to passerby: Does this building look crooked to you?

–Construction site, 12th & 4th

Overheard by: Random Passerby

Hardhat to another: You’re everybody’s bitch, you just haven’t accepted it yet.

–PATH escalators, World Trade Center station

Overheard by: archly

Hardhat to coworkers: I’m not a monster!

–35th & Madison

Hardhat, belching loudly: There! Whaddya think of that, ya fuckin’ A-wipe?!

–Midtown

Hardhat to circle of coworkers: So, you got the sperm over here…

–Center Blvd, Long Island City

Overheard by: Sabrina

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Hadn’t Said That

Guy to girl in aisle seat: Excuse me — I think I’m inside you.

–Board plane at LaGuardia

Hot chick to friend: You have to play with it every night. Give it the attention it deserves.

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: Jatmos

Conductor: If you got something sticking out, pull it all in! In the rear and the front!

–1 train

Teacher: You’ve got to stick it in the hole and twist it!

–MS 54

Overheard by: It’s not turning!

Hoochie on cell: Hi, it’s Sarah returning your call. I’m in Noho… or Soho… I don’t know what ‘ho’ I’m in…

–Broadway, between Prince & Spring

Overheard by: Not a Ho

Wednesday One-Liners Watch AZN

Teacher: So, for the most part you guys had really low participation grades. Then they made me sit through some psychology workshop entitled ‘The Asian Teen and Why They’re So Quiet.’ After that, I raised everyone’s grade.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Lady with accent, to toddler: I don’t know about Asians… He just fell over, and they don’t even care! They’re just gonna leave them there!

–Faye’s Starbucks, Washington Square

Overheard by: Sydney M

White mom taking photo of Chinese seven-year-old daughter: Honey, open your eyes! Wider! Open your eyes, dear!

–Times Square

Black guy with guitar: Hey! Hey you! This song I’m gonna sing is for you, Chinese girl. [Sings] Everybody was kung fu fighting, [yells and chops the air] boom, bam! Thank you. Thank you all! I accept pennies, nickels, dimes, iPods, wallets, cellphones, sunglasses, your first born, your mama, credit cards and Asians.

–1 train

Overheard by: Brina Guild

Nerd: You can tell how good a testing location is by the ratio of people to Asians.

–Line for SATs, Martin Luther King Jr. High

Guy, regarding VA Tech: It’s not right — Asians aren’t serial killers. If they were, there wouldn’t be so many people in China. [Friends stare silently.] What? Too soon?

–NYU

Overheard by: evil new york

Breaking Windsday One-Liners

Defensive fat lady, as young guy looks accusingly at her: Oh, no, you better don’t. I saw you tilt.

–Crowded 1/9 train

Overheard by: Joseph

Happy hobo: I just farted… Yes, all by myself!

–McDonald’s

Big black guy, after someone let out very smelly fart: Well, I hope somebody feels better!

–Long line at Port Authority bus terminal

Hipster boy to friends: I mean, last night we have a conversation about how I’m not respected, and this morning I’m being farted on. Why? Why?!

–Morgan Ave stop

Wednesday One-Liners, As Seen in Playbill

Twenty-ish girl exiting theater: Ugh… It’s like getting out of prison…

–Stage door for Mary Poppins, 41st St

Angry old lady: You shouldn’t have to be distracted by all these ideas when you’re watching a play.

—Cymbeline, BAM

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Mother to child eating pizza: Eat your cereal! Do you know why I said, ‘Eat your cereal’? Because it’s a line in Mommy’s play.

–105th & Broadway

Shocked lady fanning herself after first act of Spring Awakening: Well, that certainly wasn’t Cats.

–O’Neill Theater

Overheard by: sjp

Girl on cell: Wait, she quit her job to come see the show?

–Rush line for Spring Awakening

Overheard by: hope she gets tickets

Blue-haired person to another: I didn’t care for it, but the Asians will love it!

—Sweet Charity showing, Al Hirschfeld Theatre

Overheard by: Robert

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Flicker Pictures

Guy to L. Ron Hub-tards: So, if I sign up with you, how long do I have to offer people stress tests before I become a movie star?

–Union Square

Gangsta teen: Yeah, A Clockwork Orange. You seen that shit? They taped his eyes open and made him watch rapes and shit. I would have ripped that shit off my eyes, man — fuck that. I’d blink my motherfucking eyes regardless.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I do, too

Hipster: Actually, I don’t watch movies. I watch films.

–The Village

Blonde: Wasn’t Newsies a documentary?

–Deluxe, 114th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

Queer on cell: So, it’s not just like one of those regular bestiality films…

–E 9th & 1st

Movie buff: Yeah, I thought Seabiscuit was a good movie until I realized it was about a horse.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: pokemaul2k4

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