Wednesday One-Liners

They Call Wednesday One-Liners Aaron Burr ‘Cause of How They Drop Hamiltons

Man: There are just two problems. Number one, I can’t find anything to invest in. Number two, I have no money.

–Elevator, 56th & Lex

Overheard by: marisa

Man: So, what exactly does ‘You can win up to a million dollars’ mean?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Rachel P

Whiny waitress: You know that asshole Conan O’Brien. He didn’t tip me at all on a fifteen hundred dollar tab!

–Main St, Roosevelt Island

Subway prophet: You got your money? Lady, you got your money? You got your jewels? I ain’t gonna rob ya, but you can’t take it with you! You can’t take none of that with you! You got your fine things, but you can’t take that shit with you! Give it to me instead!

–3 train

Young man on cell: I’m thinking maybe I should marry the girl, ’cause she’s got lots of money… And I do kinda love her.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Abi

The Best Part of Wednesday One-Liners Ran Down Their Mama’s Leg

Mom to young boy being polite to strangers: Come on, Christopher! Let’s go! People can hold the door open for themselves!

–Barnes & Noble, 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Mom to little son: You think you can do whatever you want?! You came outta my pussy, I sure as hell didn’t come outta yours!

–Magic Johnson Theater, Harlem

Angry dad pulling five-year-old son away from ‘Imagine’ circle: That’s for John Lennon, not for you!

–John Lennon Memorial, Central Park

Overheard by: For Cereal.

Angry mother to six-year-old girl: Kids get murdered! Kids get raped! Life is not free!

–125th St station, 4/5/6 platform

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Father to three-year-old son: You pinky-promised you wouldn’t act like a bastard!

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Y G B S M

Mom with screaming kids: Come over here! Come over here and pick out which soap you want, because it’s going in your mouth!

–D’Agostino

Overheard by: dank

Mother to four-year-old son: Rodney! Leave that lady alone. She don’t want you. [Grabs son’s arm] I should have read the fine print when I adopted you.

–Jerome & Clinton

Mr. Holland’s Wednesday One-Liners

Queer black guy to white fag hag: My skin used to be much lighter, but then I joined the marching band.

–N train

Overheard by: Ashley

Loud woman: So, this guy kept trying to borrow the guitar, and I thought, Who is this guy? He was so strung out he could only play one chord, but Zach was like, ‘Hey, you’ve heard of the Rolling Stones?’ And I said yes, and he said, ‘Well, that was one of the Rolling Stones.’ It was Keith Richards!

–Hungarian Pastry Shop, 111th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: embly

Suit: Think of it as intercourse, not playing the guitar.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: chica_boom

Girl, about musical she just saw: This will sound really weird, but different instruments made me have to pee more. I was like, ‘Damn you, saxophone!’

–Starbucks

Crazy ‘Nam vet to pack of musician passersby: Musical instruments are the tools of professional rapists!

–Williamsburg Bridge

Overheard by: bort

Wednesday One-Liners Are Disoriented

Third grader: The only thing people know about New York the state is that Washington, DC is in it.

–Essex & Houston

Chick to friend: God, it’s not like we’re some third world country like Puerto Rico!

–33rd & 3rd

Overheard by: cait

Girl on cell: But I’m all the way downtown. I’m literally about as far downtown as you can get.

–13th & Broadway

Asian chick on cell: Amsterdam. It’s in Sweden… Or Switzerland… Oh, I don’t know. I have to go now.

–1 train, UWS

Overheard by: minerfa

Little girl looking at a Queens bus map: Donde esta Bolivia?

–Q38 bus, Elliot Ave, Queens

Overheard by: eMily

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Actually Expect Them to Answer

Hobo to dog: I can’t believe she swallowed my cum!

–69th & Columbus

Big, black man to small, white, yappy dog: Yeah, yeah, we know you’re badass.

–W 146th & St. Nick’s

UES lady to her pup chasing a mouse: Sweetie, don’t! I just brushed your teeth.

–UES

Overheard by: asaf

Hobo to small white dog: Gimme all yo’ money!

–Burger King, 42nd St, between 8th & 9th

Guy to muzzled Pit Bull: It’s your fault, not mine, that you’re wearing that!

–11th & University

Lady to her dog barking at Hispanic maintenance guy: Quiet or you will have a time out!

–UES

Little girl in stroller to dog: Hi, Mister Puppy! Where are your pants?!

–Outside Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Overheard by: cara

Wednesday One-Liners Want the Epidural

JAP: Wait… So, does that mean I was pregnant?

–Bloomingdales

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Ghetto chick on cell: I think it’s a bad idea to be friends with a girl who’s pregnant. It might just rub off on you!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Derrick

Jamaican queer to fag hag: You need to button that up or you gonna end up pregnant!

–W 44th St

Overheard by: Ivan

Black guy to white man and white preggers wife: Yo, you got her all knocked up!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: phia

Man saying good-bye to gal pals: Get pregnant!

–Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: Lillian

Wednesday One-Liners Are on the Lookout for Celebrities

Tourist chick: I thought I’d see people dressed up like Mary Kate and Ashley and a bunch of rude hippies.

–9th St

Overheard by: heroldo

Tourist pointing to chairs in Rockefeller Center: I don’t know — they must be having an event or something, because usually you can ice skate here all year long!

–Rockefeller Center

Excited bimbette tourist: I thought the Atlantic ocean was bigger than this!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Spectre

Tourist wearing fanny-pack: Look, a McDonald’s! Right here in the city!

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Nancy

Excited tourist passing hobo: Now, that is a real street person! Did you get a chance to smell him?

–31st & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Love Pussy

Well-dressed lady to homely man: No, I have to go. I’m herding cats here.

–Prince & Broadway

Girl on first date: Yeah, and so sometimes I let my cat lick my nipples…

–Outside Pratt Institute

Black teen to her gaggle of pals: She has fuckin’ lupus, and her pussy smells like cat!

–69th & 1st

Overheard by: Erica

Pretty girl: All the boys in New York have a broken heart… And a cat.

–Court St, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Ethan

Man eating sandwich: This meat tastes like cat balls. This ain’t meatballs, it’s cat balls! It tastes like cat!

–Subway restaurant, 23rd & Madison

Overheard by: quickly losing my appetite

Frat guy on cell: You’ll never guess what happened! Smoky came back! … Yeah, it’s good. He’s all like, ‘Meow, meow,’ and I’m all like, ‘Shut up!’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jess

Bluetooth Wednesday One-Liners

Chick yelling out window of hybrid SUV: I’m a better driver than you, and I’m texting at the same time!

–Westside Hwy

Overheard by: Glad I’m walking

Black guy to no one in particular: Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [Taps on cab window] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number? [To a little girl in stroller] Do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?

–58th & 9th

Overheard by: Jofo

Secretary-General of the model UN: Before we go, this phone was found in the bathroom — it’s a pink RAZR… It says ‘Stud muffin’ on it.

–United Nations

Crazy guy handing out Sprint flyers: Free camera phone! Soon you’ll be eating the robots!

–Outside Sprint, Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Deby

Hipster girl, addressing iPhone campers: You’re waiting for a phone?! I can understand if it was for cupcakes…

–Prince & Greene

Overheard by: non-mac nerd

Wednesday One-Liners Have Anti-Game

I-banker: It’s not so much finding girls — there are girls all over the place. It’s more finding girls who will have sex with you.

–52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: NCS

Dude on cell: Yeah, I got this boy here — he’s been celibate for two years. He likes Latin girls. Do you have any?

–Tattoo parlor, 6th Ave, near W 4th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Queer on cell: God, it’s like he’s so busy being transgender he’s got no time for sex anymore. [In a falsetto] Oh, call me ‘Meghan’ from now on. [Normal voice] Fuck that! I’m gay for a reason, you know?

–13th & 6th

Teenybopper: Ugh, I was such a prude in fifth grade.

–Beacon’s Closet, Park Slope

Overheard by: Ruby

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