Airports & flights

Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal–well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits–front, over-wing and rear–wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.

St. Louis Airport, Missouri

Guy to cab driver: I just want to go where nobody knows my name.
Cab driver: You mean Cheers, “where everybody knows your name”?
Guy: No.

Logan Airport
Boston, Massachusetts

Bored woman on cell: Wow, you have a lot of potatoes.

Salt Lake City, Utah

Overheard by: … What?!

Flight attendant, after landing: If anyone left a black coat, please come to the front of the cabin to claim it. (pause) Or if anyone would like to take a black coat for free.

Orlando, Florida

Young professional woman: So, my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, but when I got pregnant I sort of freaked out and thought I wasn't ready. So I went out with my girlfriends, ate a bunch of sushi, smoked a pack of cigarettes and drank a fifth of tequila. Sure enough, the next day, I got my period. That shit really is bad for the pregnancy.

Flight over Atlanta, Georgia

Little boy to mother: Is this where we have to strip?

Security Line
Newark Airport, New Jersey

Flight attendant over PA after bump during taxi: Don’t worry guys, it was just a cat!

Southwest Airlines, BWI airport
Baltimore, Maryland

Female flight attendant on cell: She was the ugliest woman I had ever seen in my life! But I swear she was my guardian angel. (sighs)

Seatac airport
Seattle, Washington

Flight attendant: Please refrain from smoking for the rest of your life.

Flight over Denver, Colorado

Vaguely thuggish flight attendant: Aiiight, y'all, welcome aboard United Airlines…don't know the flight number, but we're going to Detroit, and that's all that matters.

Delayed Flight from Washington, DC

Overheard by: keeeeem