Airports & flights

Passenger trying to find lost baggage: Excuse me! Do you work for United?
Airline steward: No! Oh no! Thank god!

P.E. Trudeau Airport

Pilot over intercom after rough landing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes galloping sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong animal.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: kayla

Angry suit: When is this plane going to take off? I have a very important meeting to get to!
Flight attendant: The incoming plane is delayed, sir, there's nothing we can do at the moment.
Angry suit: Well, are you going to make arrangements for me to get on another flight? This is urgent! Do you know who I am?
Flight attendant (over loudspeaker): Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, there is a gentleman at the desk who does not know who he is. If anyone has any information about his identity, please come forward.

Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Girl: I saw two penises on Saturday.

Outside Airport, Yellowknife
Northwest Territories

Woman on cell: I'm coming to LA to make 100 Egyptian army uniforms, then I'm going back.

International Airport
El Paso, Texas

Overheard by: V

Pilot: There is no smoking on this aircraft. The penalty for smoking is two thousand dollars. If you had that kind of money, you’d probably be flying United.

Southwest Airlines flight

Overheard by: broke

Passenger to attendant: Excuse me? They turned the movie off.
Attendant: Yes, we're landing earlier than thought.
Passenger: Oh, but the movie wasn't over.
Attendant: Sorry about that, but we need to turn it off for descent.
Passenger: But I was watching it!
Attendant: I am very sorry, but since we have started our descent…
Passenger, interrupting: But now I don't know how it ends!
Attendant: They all lived happily ever after.

Qantas Flight to Melbourne

Overheard by: Seat 14 F

Aging dork #1: I like Star Trek, but not Star Wars because they never pay attention to physics.
Aging dork #2: William Shatner is a pimp.

Peterson Air Force Base

Pilot over loudspeaker (riffing on harmonica): This is your captain speaking, (harmonica riff) Welcome aboard, (harmonica riff) Please fasten your seat belts. (harmonica riff) Or we won't be able to leave beautiful Atlanta, Georgia.
(does long, jazzy harmonica riff. Passengers applaud)
Pilot (in Elvis voice): Thank you very much.

American Airlines Flight
Atlanta, Georgia

Flight attendant: Okay, everyone, we're going to be landing soon. We would like to be the first to welcome you to reality…I mean, Cleveland.

Plane over Cleveland, Ohio