All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Doctor’s Note

Chick to another: She’s a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don’t think she goes to her rabbi’s high, but…

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: cole

Professor: … So the art department on the set just smokes pot all day and paints blue boulders.

–Media Productions class, City College

Mini thug: Yo, I wouldn’t even have to be high out of my mind to enjoy this shit!

–Brooklyn Cyclone, Coney Island

Overheard by: Alie

Smoking model on cell: Um, yeah, he’s cute… But, duh — he’s addicted to opiates!

–Houston & Laffayette

Overheard by: Jake

Hobo to girls: How are you smiling in a city filled with a million crackheads?

–56th & 5th

Guy on a rant in front of Imagine mosaic: In my next life I want to be an amoeba! Make more music, smoke more pot… Eating healthily is expensive! We should all have 40 acres and a mule and start all over!

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Overheard by: I’ll have what he’s having

M4M Wednesday One-Liners

Queer: There are a lot of young kids out there learning how to spell ‘glamorous,’ and that makes me real happy.

–Canal Jeans Co

Queer to tourist: You’re from Minnesota? My ex’s father was a senator from Minnesota. I went there once to meet him… I forget his name, but what we did was very taboo.

–Prince St

Queer to another: Don’t nudge me, you lesbian.

–Line for he Cyclone, Coney Island

Queer to boyfriend: You remind me of this autistic kid I worked with once.

–Park Ave

Overheard by: Katey

Queer on cell, perusing baked goods: I want a muffin. Do you want a muffin? This whole courtroom wants a muffin!

–Food Emporium

Overheard by: admittedly amused

Just Take Our Wednesday One-Liners So We Can Go Home

Street vendor selling children’s bubble maker: Bubbles! Bubbles! Shit… Bubbles! Fuck!

–Midtown

Subway hawker with huge sign: Subway! Eat fresh! [Hot girl walks by] Hey, baby, you lookin’ good! Don’t you just walk away like that… You need to shave your legs, girl. Subway! Eat fresh!

–39th & 8th

Guy handing out free CDs: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? [Girl ignores him.] Whatever. You lookin’ like Launchpad.

–Outside Virgin Megastore

Vendor: Get your peanuts! Get the first bag for five dollars and the second for the same price!

–Yankee Stadium

Dude selling programs for Avenue Q: Buy a program! If you don’t, I’ll tell you how it went. I’ll ruin the whole thing. Buy a program and a CD! If he doesn’t buy it, he doesn’t really love you. This is your last chance… until later.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Gaby Young

Guy handing out Atkins snack bars: Get your free Atkins bar! The more you take, the sooner I go home.

–Outside NYSE

What Shall I Liken to Thee, O Wednesday One-Liners?

New school guy trying to impress girl: You have got to try it. It will change your life. It’s like a more mature Smirnoff Ice.

–19th & 8th

Dude on cell: … And then they beat me down, like little monkeys.

–E 7th & Ave H

Fat lady on escalator: He used to be a good-looking guy ’til he lost all his teeth. Now he’s like Skeletor with death-breath.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Actor: Thanks for letting me borrow your phone. Oh, let me wipe my sweat off of it. I sweat like a Southerner in a spelling bee.

–Loews

Overheard by: kristin

Party-goer: I saved my eye crud for years. You know, that stuff you get in your eyes every morning? And we made this guy eat it. With milk. It was like human Grape Nuts!

–S 5th St

Wednesday One-Liners Did Not Chop Down That Cherry Tree

Girl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I’m with a client right now so I really can’t talk, okay?

–50th & 6th

Overheard by: Carol

Teen on cell looking at dresses: I’m just walking out of a movie theater… A movie theater!

–Banana Republic, 5th Ave

Overheard by: not at the movies

Thug to pissed girl on cell: Yo, I’m, like, dumb far right now, baby. I’m in, like, Brooklyn [gets into pimped-out car with friends pouring Arbor Mist into McDonald’s cups and speeds off].

–106th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wendy Darling

Asian teen on cell: Hey, Emma, I’m back in Chicago! Yeah, want to hang out tomorrow?

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Thugette on cell: I ain’t tryin’ to hear that! You know how I know you lyin’? ‘Cause I just heard it say ‘Stand by while your call is connected.’ You know what that means? That means you in jail, nigga. Don’t give me no shit that you’re in Chicago for the week.

–39th & Lex

Overheard by: Adrian

Wednesday One-Liners Have Loose Lips

Lady suit: Trevor is one of those ‘close talkers.’ He’s got to respect my personal space because his breath always smells like pussy.

–C train, 14th St

Overheard by: I am safe in my space.

Chubby girl: Oh, shit, yo! My pussy came out! My pussy came out!

–Coney Island Beach

Thrilled girl: Remember when you had a funeral for my vagina on the subway?

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: not mourning that one

26-year-old girl: My mother has the vagina of a 25-year-old!

–18th & 10th

Stripper to man: I just had a foot up my pussy, so I’m allowed to be mean.

–21st & 5th

Overheard by: ryan

Chick: Vaginas do not have taste buds.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Megan

Put Your Hands Down My Wednesday One-Liners and I Bet You’ll Feel Nuts

Teen: There’s a world war in my pants, and everyone’s invited!

–Ft. Greene Pl

Overheard by: Liz

Mini thug to girls: Damn, bitches, slow down! You know a nigga can’t walk in these pants.

–Queens

Hot chick: I’m just so sick of putting on pants.

–E train, WTC

Overheard by: inothernews

Cougar: She pulled down his pants and there it was, like a machine gun! Just hangin’ there. Rat-a-tat-tat. It was that big.

–Blue & Gold, East Village

Overheard by: Evan

Man with hands down pants: I’m sorry… My penis is too long for these pants.

–62nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Caissie

Wednesday Wrote the Book on One-Liners

Suit on cell: Well, I’m in Barnes and Noble right now, actually [picks up skin care product]. Well, I was thinking about getting the Bill Clinton book…

–Sephora, Union Square

Dude: Are those people speaking sign language? That would be really cool… Although, there wouldn’t be much point in them coming to a bookstore, unless they’re in the braille section…

–Barnes & Noble

NYU girl on cell: Ugh! He keeps giving me all these books to read, and I feel like my mind is like, ‘Okay, I get it. You’re gay and that’s fine…’ But my body’s like, ‘I don’t get it — you want me to sit on this book so you can fuck me?’

–Washington Square

Lady on cell: Is that why you mad at me? Because you can’t read? Damn!

–34th & Broadway

Overheard by: sj

Wednesday One-Liners Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil

Jew: He died for your sins! Bruce Lee died of a questionable overdose of aspirin for your sins!

–Central Park

Overheard by: AJ

Dude passing street meat cart: Mmm… I want whatever dead animal that is!

–53rd & 3rd

Blonde WASP on cell: It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even go onto the porch anymore, because the dead bodies are attracting so many flies.

–Washington Square

Little girl: Daddy, you have to do something interesting before you die!

–86th & Broadway

Hipster: Until I was 10 I thought my grandmother killed my grandfather with red velvet cake.

–Smith & Degraw, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Exploding Cake

Wednesday One-Volk-One-Reich-One-Führer-Liners

Young girl to older man: Sir, I don’t think it’s fair to compare Greenpeace to the Nazis.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Nick

Teen girl to friend: Oh, I know about the Great Depression! That’s when Hitler’s wife poisoned her kids and then shot herself. She was really depressed.

–Colombus Library, 50th & 10th

Hipster chick: We’re neutral like Switzerland, except we do more business with the Nazis, or, in this case, your mother.

–Forsyth & Houston

Teen son to mom: So, how’s Hitler doing?

–2 train

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