All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners No Function Beer Good Without

Drunk female vocalist after set: Dude… Evolution… That’s, like, the theory we come from plants and shit.

–Blue Note Jazz Club

Overheard by: Bailey

Drunken derelict, burping loudly: Give it a second and it’ll come out the other side!

–6th Ave & Waverly Pl

Drunk man: I mean, it’s ironic when you think about it. Lou Gehrig winds up dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease. Then, Dr. Atkins dies of Atkins. Think about it.

–Bar, 46th St

Drunk bum: I’m not a bum — I’m an international bill inspector. My boss sent me here to inspect your bills. Who wants to give me a hundred dollars?

–Crowded 6 train

Overheard by: Stephanie

Drunk girl: I’m not drunk yet. I can still feel my lips!

–Blagio, Queens

Overheard by: Kim

Belligerent wino: I am the government!

–Caton Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners before the Fall

Chick: So, with my toplessness and your bottomlessness we will equal one naked person tonight?

–Harlem

Overheard by: McN

Lady suit on cell: I told her to try the site at home and she screws her face up, scoffs at me and storms off like I’d told her to go stand on the BQE naked!

–PATH train, 9th St

Overheard by: Zenana

Cool cop: She looks great when she is naked, but when she is dressed, you know, not so great.

–1 train, 96th St

Chick to friends: The way he said it was, ‘I sleep naked so if I have to get up at night to go to the bathroom, why should I put boxers on? I’ll just put a sock on it.’

–Starbucks, Times Square

Cute hipster on cell: I was so confused this morning. I woke up naked in Queens with a stripper! I was like, ‘Fuck, I guess I had a good night…’

–Clark & Henry St, Brooklyn

Drunk guy: … And she was all drunk, dancing around naked in the attic again.

–Restaurant, Waverly & MacDougal

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Be Close When They Kill

Dude: I miss my machete.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ash

Guy: For his 21st birthday I’m buying him a samurai sword. For his wedding I’m gonna buy him a giant samurai sword!

–Tower Records, W 4th St

Overheard by: Not a samurai

Little kid: It’s chainsaw time!

–New Jersey Transit train

Overheard by: DrewDrewDrew

Frizzy woman on cell: I mean, c’mon — it’s not like it was a knife, bitch, it was just scissors!

–37th & 5th

Overheard by: K

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Subway and the Subtruth and the Sublife

Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.

–Subway platform, South Ferry

Overheard by: annikee

Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: soixantedeux

Chick after V train passes through the station: There’s a runaway V train and people are still on it!

–C/E platform, 23rd St

Girl: Whenever I’m on the subway all I can think about is sex!

–NYU

Overheard by: ana

Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.

–14th St station

Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is

Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?

–W 93rd St

Tourist girl: Waaait… Is this the bus?

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: MegMC

Wednesday One-Liners Got Rejected by Idol

Young chick to pal: Carly Simon? Wasn’t she the one who sang ‘You’re So Vague’?

–Nail salon

Overheard by: Jersey Jude

JAP: I write pirate songs… in French.

–Broome & Broadway

Mom: Everyone in the world sings in Spanish. I mean, you know that song Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? I heard it in Spanish the other day. It goes like… ‘Chitty chitty bang bang, chitty chitty bang bang…’ They didn’t even translate the words into Spanish.

–Bloomie Nails, 20th & 8th

Classical pianist to another: Dude, I am mad stoked for studio class today!

–Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here due to congestion up ahead… I bet this is when you miss elevator music.

–D train

Overheard by: mb

Secrets and Wednesday One-Liners

Man on phone: I’m not saying it’s your fault. I am saying you’re a liar, but I’m not saying it’s your fault!

–10th & Broadway

Raving man with large headphones: The myth that once you have high blood pressure you have it for life is a lie! It’s a lie from the pit of hell!

–Bx15 bus

Girl on phone: Oh, no! That’s awful! I’m running! [Keeps walking slowly.]

–12th & 3rd

Lady suit on cell: Yeah, I’m at home. I’m not even dressed yet.

–Kinko’s, Court St, Brooklyn

Girl on cell: Mommy! My fake works! My fake ID!

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Lady on cell: No, Jack, we had six lovely kids… Just because we’re getting a divorce doesn’t mean our marriage was a complete waste of time. Anyway, yeah, I have to board my plane now… Bye [plays games on phone for 10 minutes].

–LaGuardia airport

Chick on cell walking down street: I’m already inside, dickhead!

–Mott St, Chinatown

Beva, Beva, Beva, Beva Con Wednesday One-Liners!

Nympho to friend: You don’t have to be drunk to hump things!

–A train

Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham

Chick on cell: The only thing getting me through this day is the liquor at the end of the tunnel.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: Yeah, but then once you graduate from college it’s called alcoholism.

–West Village

Chemistry professor: Ethanol is different from methanol, because ethanol you can drink. If someone drinks methanol, they will either, depending on how much they drink, become blind or they will die. This shows that you should not just drink anything, because it can be really messed up. Oh, and you shouldn’t drink and drive.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Barbie

Girl to friend: Come on, let’s go drink our feelings.

–92nd & Lex

Overheard by: sarah

High school girl to boy: You know that girl that was giving us money to fight? She was the thick one. Thick. Except that day she was crazy drunk because she couldn’t find her glasses.

–Bronx train platform

Overheard by: David Weber

Wednesday One-Liners Are Now on the Dollar Menu

Mother to wailing child: Honey, do you wanna go to McDonald’s?

–Whole Foods

Overheard by: caitlin

Guy yelling from street: Does anyone know where McDonald’s is? Anyone? Anyone?! Help meee!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: it’s on 125th

Suit to crazy hobo: Excuse me, do you know where I can find a good Wendy’s?

–28th & 7th

Overheard by: As opposed to a bad one..?

Chick: Like, I understand protests and everything, and I think it’s great to show your views and everything, but don’t do it right in my way! It’s just like, get out of my way to KFC! I need my fried chicken!

–Amtrak

Overheard by: colette

Tourist lady to another: A TGIF and a Wendy’s! This place has it all!

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: The McCrum

Ghetto chick on phone: Yo, let’s go get some food. Naw, fuck fast food. I want some real food, like KFC or somethin’…

–L train

Overheard by: wynsters the tigress

Queer club kid: I am not going to McDonald’s. The lighting is horrible.

–53rd & 9th

Overheard by: Julia K.

Wednesday One-Liners Are at the Wrong Tail of the Bell Curve

Dude on cell: I said I was born at night. I didn’t say I was born last night. I’m not stupid.

–Manhattan Mall

Bushwick native: We’ve got idiots wrapped in morons all over the place around here!

–L train shuttle stop, Morgan Ave

Overheard by: Erin Partridge

Woman to little girl: To be perfectly honest it just makes you look dumb, because you can only spell backwards.

–Times Square

Overheard by: mark

Mother to young son: When you grow up please don’t be like stupid people.

–A/C/E platform, 14th St station

Overheard by: Josh Barro

Chatty woman: I can’t ask my sister anything. She is such an idiot. She had a baby and it made her stupid.

–LIRR

Overheard by: pretending to be sleeping

Noxious Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher to student: Want to come into my office and smell my computer?

–Room B-436, FIT

Overheard by: ivy270

Conductor: We apologize to our patrons for the stale bread smell that passengers from our connecting train brought with them. We will be distributing pine fresheners to out patrons shortly.

–LIRR to Penn Station

College chick: My vagina smells like buttered popcorn.

–Starbucks, 7th Ave S

Dude on cell: Wow, I almost feel like I can smell you… Or maybe I’m just really, really hungry.

–Canal & Lafayette

Overheard by: Cameron

Woman whispers to man next to her: Alright, now come smell my vagina in the bathroom.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: Deb

Teen thug to thugette: Man, this train smells like three kinds of ass!

–F train

Overheard by: Mike

Hobo to two bitchy JAPs: You think I stink now? Just wait — I’m about to take my shoes off.

–A train

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