All Wednesday One-Liners

Secrets and Wednesday One-Liners

Man on phone: I’m not saying it’s your fault. I am saying you’re a liar, but I’m not saying it’s your fault!

–10th & Broadway

Raving man with large headphones: The myth that once you have high blood pressure you have it for life is a lie! It’s a lie from the pit of hell!

–Bx15 bus

Girl on phone: Oh, no! That’s awful! I’m running! [Keeps walking slowly.]

–12th & 3rd

Lady suit on cell: Yeah, I’m at home. I’m not even dressed yet.

–Kinko’s, Court St, Brooklyn

Girl on cell: Mommy! My fake works! My fake ID!

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Lady on cell: No, Jack, we had six lovely kids… Just because we’re getting a divorce doesn’t mean our marriage was a complete waste of time. Anyway, yeah, I have to board my plane now… Bye [plays games on phone for 10 minutes].

–LaGuardia airport

Chick on cell walking down street: I’m already inside, dickhead!

–Mott St, Chinatown

Beva, Beva, Beva, Beva Con Wednesday One-Liners!

Nympho to friend: You don’t have to be drunk to hump things!

–A train

Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham

Chick on cell: The only thing getting me through this day is the liquor at the end of the tunnel.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: Yeah, but then once you graduate from college it’s called alcoholism.

–West Village

Chemistry professor: Ethanol is different from methanol, because ethanol you can drink. If someone drinks methanol, they will either, depending on how much they drink, become blind or they will die. This shows that you should not just drink anything, because it can be really messed up. Oh, and you shouldn’t drink and drive.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Barbie

Girl to friend: Come on, let’s go drink our feelings.

–92nd & Lex

Overheard by: sarah

High school girl to boy: You know that girl that was giving us money to fight? She was the thick one. Thick. Except that day she was crazy drunk because she couldn’t find her glasses.

–Bronx train platform

Overheard by: David Weber

Wednesday One-Liners Are Now on the Dollar Menu

Mother to wailing child: Honey, do you wanna go to McDonald’s?

–Whole Foods

Overheard by: caitlin

Guy yelling from street: Does anyone know where McDonald’s is? Anyone? Anyone?! Help meee!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: it’s on 125th

Suit to crazy hobo: Excuse me, do you know where I can find a good Wendy’s?

–28th & 7th

Overheard by: As opposed to a bad one..?

Chick: Like, I understand protests and everything, and I think it’s great to show your views and everything, but don’t do it right in my way! It’s just like, get out of my way to KFC! I need my fried chicken!

–Amtrak

Overheard by: colette

Tourist lady to another: A TGIF and a Wendy’s! This place has it all!

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: The McCrum

Ghetto chick on phone: Yo, let’s go get some food. Naw, fuck fast food. I want some real food, like KFC or somethin’…

–L train

Overheard by: wynsters the tigress

Queer club kid: I am not going to McDonald’s. The lighting is horrible.

–53rd & 9th

Overheard by: Julia K.

Wednesday One-Liners Are at the Wrong Tail of the Bell Curve

Dude on cell: I said I was born at night. I didn’t say I was born last night. I’m not stupid.

–Manhattan Mall

Bushwick native: We’ve got idiots wrapped in morons all over the place around here!

–L train shuttle stop, Morgan Ave

Overheard by: Erin Partridge

Woman to little girl: To be perfectly honest it just makes you look dumb, because you can only spell backwards.

–Times Square

Overheard by: mark

Mother to young son: When you grow up please don’t be like stupid people.

–A/C/E platform, 14th St station

Overheard by: Josh Barro

Chatty woman: I can’t ask my sister anything. She is such an idiot. She had a baby and it made her stupid.

–LIRR

Overheard by: pretending to be sleeping

Noxious Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher to student: Want to come into my office and smell my computer?

–Room B-436, FIT

Overheard by: ivy270

Conductor: We apologize to our patrons for the stale bread smell that passengers from our connecting train brought with them. We will be distributing pine fresheners to out patrons shortly.

–LIRR to Penn Station

College chick: My vagina smells like buttered popcorn.

–Starbucks, 7th Ave S

Dude on cell: Wow, I almost feel like I can smell you… Or maybe I’m just really, really hungry.

–Canal & Lafayette

Overheard by: Cameron

Woman whispers to man next to her: Alright, now come smell my vagina in the bathroom.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: Deb

Teen thug to thugette: Man, this train smells like three kinds of ass!

–F train

Overheard by: Mike

Hobo to two bitchy JAPs: You think I stink now? Just wait — I’m about to take my shoes off.

–A train

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Come in Vanilla

Dude on cell: Yeah, all we need is a nice leather whip and we’re all set.

–10th & 4th

30-ish queer to another: Yeah, and he has a basket of clothespins for nipple play.

–Grand St station

Young boy jumping gleefully and clapping: Masochist! Gay masochist! Gay masochist!

–105th & West End

Older teen boy to younger teen boy: Yeah, you can’t do that. It’s called bestiality, and it’s illegal in this country…

–68th, between Columbus & Central Park West

Man with beer: You know the show Dance Off, Pants Off? I’m going to be on it in just an S-and-M mask.

–Outside Madison Square Garden

Shouting guy: I do not agree with sex with beavers!

–Waverly Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Are Working Their Way Through Grad School

Suit on cell: Like, she’s not a masseuse and she’s not a stripper, you know what I mean? I want her to be, but she’s not… I can always go to a masseuse parlor or a strip club, you know what I mean?

–110th, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Hobo: Anyone got some change? Or some food? Anyone? Does anyone have anything they want to help me out with? I’m jobless and times are hard… Damn, I knew I should’ve been a stripper, but I’m just not that kind of guy, you know?

–Fulton-bound A train

Flash Dancers employee handing out flyers: Hey, you like girls? You like girls? No? You like guys? We got guys… [whispers] but you gotta go in the back door.

–Outside Flash Dancers, 52nd & Broadway

Overheard by: not going in any door

Flyer dude: Female strippers! With STDs!

–48th & 7th

Dude on cell: I was a male stripper for the two years I was a youth pastor.

–N train

Lady passenger to cabbie: I teach kindergarteners and I strip!

–12th & 3rd

Overheard by: Matty K

Wednesday One-Liners Are What Make Work Possible

Bartender: Every day you have someone who wants to put cheese in their coffee. We try to minimize that kind of thing from happening here.

–Carmine’s, W 44th & 8th

Overheard by: Michele

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m in one of those pretentious coffee shops… Getting coffee… Yeah, one of the ones where everyone looks like me — beard, glasses… Right.

–Gimme Coffee, Brooklyn

Overheard by: mthy

Three-year-old in stroller: Coffee! Coffee!

–C train, 96th St

Overheard by: Emily

Woman to dog: Daddy likes his coffee hot. And Mommy likes her coffee iced. And you like your coffee in the form of caffeine pills, which you snarfed like candy last night. My god, you were high as a kite.

–Outside Starbucks, Montague St, Brooklyn

Barista: She better not’ve asked me for no chocolate drizzle or I’da kicked her ass!

–Starbucks, Grand Central

Overheard by: Greg

Well-dressed crazy guy to whole train: And I said to her, you the coffee and I’m the biscotti… Why? Because you’re black and hot… and I’m hard and a little nutty.

–A train

Queer to another: Isn’t there a better Starbucks we should be going to?

–Starbucks, 14th near 6th

Post-Painterly Wednesday One-Liners

Student: I didn’t describe the sculpture, I just said that the combination of her and Weird Al inspired me.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Haley

Woman: I’m not really into the whole modern art thing — I just don’t like it.

–MoMA

Confused foreign professor: Monet and Picasso are famous painters. George Bush is not.

–NYU

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Man to woman after they make out: The problem is, if you’re an artist today and you take a picture of a guy jumping off a bridge in Paris, no one’s going to care.

–Armory Art Fair

JAP: So, are these the real Monets?

–The Met

Overheard by: Charlie Nicholson

Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns

Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.

–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison

20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!

–W 10th & Waverly

Overheard by: I call it that too

Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?

–54th & 10th

Overheard by: Allisa

Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.

–14th & 2nd

Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.

–Chambers & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: Mike McG

Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.

–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson

VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.

–Office, Park Ave South

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