All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Wonder If the Sex Is Worth It

Asian hipster girl to another: I can’t break up with him while he’s unconscious. I’ll go back later tonight when he’s conscious and break up with him then.

–Manhattan-bound F train

10-year-old boy: Man, she is so fucking needy. She keeps wanting to play, like, Truth or Dare to find out stuff about me. And I don’t… I don’t like it!

–E train

Overheard by: Carolyn

Chick on cell: Yeah, but he made some valid points. Like how I’m a sucky girlfriend.

–59th & Madison

Overheard by: Julie

Straight-ish queer: I’m really afraid that a girl will fall head over heels for me and I will end up breaking her heart… Because, you know, I’m really good at giving back massages and fucking up against walls, and those are things girls look for, you know?

–Studio B, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tom

Girl on cell: Look, just because you had a seizure on our first date doesn’t mean I don’t want to go out with you again!

–Budget Car Rental, E 43rd

Wednesday One-Liners Can Order Beers in Twenty Countries

Dude: If I added up all the languages I spoke shitty, I could probably speak one very fluently.

–Prospect Park Southwest & Vanderbilt

Loud guy on cell: Does she speak German? How do you say ‘Fuck you’ in German? … Okay, bye!

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Eric

Cop to others: So I said, ‘What’s your name?’ This guy don’t speak good English, you know?

–G train stop

Black guy to another: Want me to speak another language? ‘Cause I can speak other languages — Chinese, German, Arab, white…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Andrew B.

Girl on cell: And he’s from Sweden, right? Well, yeah. I mean, I’m assuming since he said he speaks Swedish and all… which, honestly, I didn’t know was a real language.

–NYU dorm

Little foreign girl: Auntie, what’s English for ‘horse’?

–J train

Overheard by: MyTh

Gray-haired man to barista: Is tall ‘small’ in your language?

–Starbucks

Exeunt: Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl: Yeah, Rent isn’t my life or anything. It’s just, I have nothing else to do when I get my paycheck, y’know?

–Nederlander Theatre

Man recapping Cavalleria Rusticana on cell: Yes, and then this guy came on stage singing about his horses. Man, was he a twat!

–Metropolitan Opera House

Overheard by: amalthya

Dude: Katie is always saying stuff like, ‘If you shoot for the moon and miss you will still be part of the stars,’ or some shit like that. I just tell her, ‘Enough of your success-ories! You are too musical theater for me. You even do jazz hands all the time!’

–N 10th & Bedford Ave

Spoiled nine-year-old wearing Seven jeans: My favorite part was when Kevin Kline took off his pants!

—King Lear, public theater

Tourist girl to friend, looking at hall of fame pictures on wall: Leo-nard… Bern-stein… Oh, that’s the guy who wrote The Berenstain Bears.

–Gershwin Theatre

Overheard by: edwardDB

Lady, after Spring Awakening: All I got from that was, ‘Don’t have sex with a cute boy or you’ll die.’

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Wednesday One-Liners Had It As a Safety School

Asian chick: I’m just so sick of failing in general.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: jason

NYU girl to friends: Well, he’s not always drunk. Sometimes he’s high.

–Prince & Mercer

NYU chick: I found out I didn’t have AIDS… I went to Whole Foods… It was a good day.

–27th & Park

Overheard by: It was a good day

NYU bimbette: All popular people have herpes. Just look at them!

–NYU

NYU chick: Yeah, we almost broke up like four or five times, so I think that’s indicative that we’re happy together.

–Bowery & Canal

NYU girl on cell: I don’t know what to do about going abroad. My parents want me to go to London, but I looked at my Tarot cards and they’re telling me Dublin. What should I do?

–721 Broadway

Overheard by: Tyler

Queer student: I don’t really have a problem with incest, but in my family there aren’t many lookers.

–NYU Silver Center

All-Volunteer Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: Join the Army, get a Frisbee!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Suzie

Girl on cell: Wait, what’s his name? Jihad?

–8th & University Pl

Marine to cute girl: I’d pay to have sex with you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: joe osmundson

Music teacher: So, you’re getting you hair cut, and you keep going, and… And next thing you know you’re in the Army. Wait, that was a bad analogy. I’ll think of a better one, don’t worry.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: LSB

Crazy guy: You’re so beautiful. Why don’t you stop the war? If you’re so beautiful, why don’t you stop the war?

–F train

Overheard by: Just going home

Hipster: Ryan* is so not married! He’s got some military job that, like, forbades him to be married!

–Tribeca

Wednesday One-Liners, from Crayola

Junior high kid: Man, I slapped the taste out of that nigga. The whole side of his face turned… purple! No, not purple… Lilac.

–G train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: outofplace

Crazy guy speaking into Bic lighter: Come in, blue leader, come in. Do you read me, blue leader?

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Alec

Man: Nothing that’s white is ever good for you except for a white man’s money.

–Restroom, Penn Station

Chick to old lady in pink clothes: I am really feeling your outfit. Pink has had a special meaning to me lately. Not because I wear pink, but spiritually — ethereally — pink has been influencing my life.

–94th & Amsterdam

Girl on cell: I just don’t know about him anymore. I mean, he has lavender sheets…

–CVS, 25th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Would Rather Learn by Trial and Error

Teacher: Now, this section is about– [walks over to the board, writes ‘Sex’ in large letters, underlining it repeatedly]. This ought to get your attention.

–Brooklyn Tech High

Overheard by: Liz

Sex-ed teacher: Some douches are vinegar solutions. That doesn’t mean I want you to go home, get some vinegar and make a douche of yourself.

–Hunter College High

Overheard by: Kevoo

Professor, as projector screen falls down: Looks like I need some Viagra.

–NYU Silver Center

Lady professor: The naked female body is the most beautiful thing a person can see — even more so than the male body… At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from my personal experience.

–NYU Silver Center

Teacher, about The Odyssey: It keeps saying, ‘Rosy-fingered dawn, rosy-fingered dawn.’ Why does dawn keep coming?!

–LaGuardia High

Wednesday One-Liners, Esq.

Guy on cell: I’m sorry, I can’t talk now. I’m in the judge’s chambers. [Phone rings again.] Yes, your honor?

–Magic Johnson Theater, 125th St

Woman to three-year-old girl: Well, you need to talk to a lawyer when you want to get married.

–Outside NYU Law School

Black man screaming into phone: I’m tellin’ you, I ain’t goin’ to court no more. I. Am. Not. Goin’!

–City Hall

Pre-law student: Isn’t that arsony?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Drunk party-goer: No, no, the problem isn’t that they fired all these prosecutors. The problem is they didn’t try to hide it! Clinton did the same thing! It’s all about what you do in public. Like, you can fuck anybody you want, but if you do it in public, it’s rape!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Law professor: Death is bad, but there is a tax advantage.

–NYU Stern School of Business

Ditzy Chinese chick: So, I went on this job interview with this law firm, right? And this lawyer who was interviewing me was really cute, ya know? So at the end of the interview he stood up, and I wasn’t sure what to say so I said, ‘Well, I don’t know whether you’re going to hire me or not, but I’d really like to fuck you.’ So he came to my apartment after work and fucked me. Then I get a letter two days later telling me I didn’t get the fucking job! Do you think that’s sexual harassment?

–Starbucks, Chinatown

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners Propagate Their Genes by Caring for Siblings’ Children

Thug: Yo, I would so love to see a show called ‘Diaries of a Very Weird Gay Guy.’

–NYU

30-something lady: … And he wanted to have sex with me. What is it that drives the heteros away and makes me the goddamn gay whisperer?

–136th & 8th

Girl to boyfriend: You’re sooo gay when you’re drunk.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: Tigertail

Stud: I swear, if I got gay it would not be boring.

–St. George residence hall

Overheard by: G

Dude: I’m so hungry, I’m gay!

–FIT dining hall

Overheard by: Jake

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Surest Form of Birth Control

Disgruntled student: Milton is where boners go to die.

–116th & Broadway, Columbia University

Overheard by: BBW

NYU girl: … And she told me she had a gynecology appointment with this old chick scheduled for tomorrow, and that’s when I realized just about everyone at this school is getting more ass than me.

–9th & University

Scruffy guy: Don’t worry, you’re going to have sex some day!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Professor: There are two types of people in this world — those who ride fast horses and those who don’t get laid.

–Classics Dept, NYU

Overheard by: face

10-year-old: At my age it’s just best to cuddle.

–Shakespeare & Co.

Overheard by: Leah

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