All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Cuff the Carrot

Girl: I have to announce when I’m scratching my mons, because I don’t want people to think I’m just standing on the street all sketchily masturbating in public.

–M86 bus

Freshman: You should just go into a different room, masturbate, and then come back!

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Dude: It’s so hot out! I mean, if it was cold I’d jerk off to warm up.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Maia

Man on cell: So, you faked six orgasms?! And you weren’t even masturbating?

–Outside Big Jimmy’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: (a very confused) bronxelf

Hipster on cell: Do you know how boring life would be if you didn’t have to think at all? If you just sat around all day jerking off? God, I showed you what that was like.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Different strokes

Pretty girl: Well, I’m probably prettier than any girl you’ve ever talked to in a club! [Other riders clap.] Have fun with your hand tonight!

–1 train

Overheard by: Bri

Wednesday One-Liners Realize It’s Nothing Like Sex and the City

British tourist, after Avenue Q: Well, that was different than Mary Poppins!

–Golden Theater, W 45th St

Overheard by: Knew Exactly What I Was Getting Into

Tourist: What day do they film Saturday Night Live?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Candy

Tourist chick pointing at Chrysler Building: Look, y’all — the Eiffel Tower!

–Top of Empire State Building

Tourist mom with three kids: Look! Applebees!

–Times Square

Gleeful tourist: I see Wendy’s!

–Bond & Broadway

Teen tourist: So, what is Long Island? Is it not a state? I don’t get it!

–LIRR

Overheard by: jangbang

Tourist teen spotting Che Guevara shirt at vendor: Oh my god! Isn’t that Tom Cruise in Top Gun?

–Canal St

Overheard by: the asian princess

Grey’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: We don’t know what’s in her head… or her throat.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess

Girl: Is that your thumb I’m feeling? Dude, that’s your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?

–South St Seaport

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

French woman: That’s not his butthole, it’s his mouth.

–Broom & Grand St

Overheard by: Kevin

Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend’s bellybutton.

–9th & 3rd

Chick: Why’d you chop off both stomachs?

–69th and Amsterdam

Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?

–Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey

Overheard by: ashley

Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.

–4th & Bowery

Wednesday One-Liners Fumble for Wordity

Suit on cell: And I was like, ‘Dude, you should come with us.’ I told her to, like, come and like, have fun with us. I didn’t want her to feel like she’s, like, disintellegent or something…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Call him stupid

Woman on cell: He told me it wasn’t good for the diges– uh… digesticle.

–49th & 11th

Overheard by: alxie

Man: I would like to send this regular post, and I need a confrontation number.

–Post Office, Bed-Stuy Brevoort

Girl: It means super-maker-outer.

–54th & 9th

Hobo: They call it genocide, people. Put that in your laputaters.

–Brookyln-bound R train

Overheard by: what?

PR exec about his new start-up: It’s not exactly rocket scientry. That’s why I can do it.

–Office building, Midtown

Ghetto chick: That dude got no education. I mean, look how he talk!

–1 train

Overheard by: Anna

Everybody Loves Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: Class, let’s get a show of hands — how many of you aren’t loved by your parents? C’mon, someone must be lying here.

–LaGuardia High

Overheard by: mf

Man: This yogurt’s great. My cat loves it — makes him poop like a reindeer.

–Grocery store, 45th & Ditmars

Overheard by: Bob Going

Professor: I love mass law breaking. We should break social contract and go on a class trip to a bar so that I can get my dumb ass fired.

–NYU Silver Center

Lady on cell: He only backs out because he loves you.

–34th & Broadway

Hobo to bag lady: I love ya. Of course I love ya. You want me to fuck ya? I’ll fuck ya right now.

–30th & 7th

Aussie babe watching crying model dressed as a man on Top Model: I love it when they’re upset and dressed up in funny costumes!

–Berry & N 1st, Williamsburg

Girl: I’m not mean! I love everyone. I don’t like everyone… It’s a Christian thing.

–Palladium dorm, NYU

The State of Wednesday One-Liners

Crackhead: What’s your favorite state? Mine is Seattle.

–95th & 2nd

Guy on cell: … Got fisted from another state.

–7th Ave, between 56th & 57th St

Tourist chick: I’m in Pennsylvania?! What the hell?!

–1 train, Penn Station

Bald dude on cell: Yeah, I’m in Vermont with Bill and Mary*! It’s beautiful! I know, it’s amazing — I’m getting service right on the lake.

–Burger King, Graham & Skillman

Port Authority officer: It’s not easy being a dual-state crime fighter like me.

–Exchange Place PATH station

Overheard by: Marisol

Dude: I went to only one strip club in New York. It was the one in Jersey.

–27th & 10th

Wednesday One-Liners for the Haters

Hispanic lady to female friend: I coulda had kids! I coulda had a husband! I coulda had a house of my own! But you know what? You made me hate men!

–Delancey & Essex

Suit: If you are a drug dealer, be the drug dealer. That’s why I hate New York. In LA at least the drug dealers show up when you call them.

–Library Bar, Ave A

Overheard by: ljw

Little kid: Ughhh! I hate this universe!

–Neptune Diner, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Chick: He was going back to Germany and he felt like it was destiny that we met. I told him, ‘I met you once, and I hate Frank Sinatra.’

–Trash Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: katez

Chick: Don’t you just hate it when people eavesdrop on your conversation?

–O’Neals’ Restaurant, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Tess

The Forced Intimacy of Wednesday One-Liners

Laughing teen pointing at stranger: My dick all up in this lady’s ass!

–Crowded 3 train, near 96th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Conductor: This train is overcrowded due to an earlier incident. Please stand all the way in and clear the doors. If you don’t clear the doors, this train will not move. [At the next stop] This train is overcrowded. Please– Oh, fuck it [doors close].

–Crowded C train

Overheard by: Beth

Man: Damn, it be lookin’ like the welfare line up in here!

–Crowded L train platform, 6th Ave

Conductor: I know it’s crowded, people, but use some common sense! Please don’t hold the doors open with your head!

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Hispanic bus driver on loudspeaker: Get in here. On my bus you’re all Mexican! Move it, people!

–Crowded Q66 bus

Overheard by: Empty Refrigerator

Conductor: People, this train is very crowded, so please — when the doors are closing I want you all to inhale.

–Crowded N train

Mom to baby in oversized pram: We’re never gonna get out of here, we’re never gonna get out of here, we’re never gonna get out of here…

–Crowded A train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Wednesday One-Liners for Dennis Franz

Cop to old lady with walker: Excuse me, miss, do you have a license and insurance for that thing?

–57th St

Overheard by: jesse

Black teen to fellow commuter: So, I get off the train and I find this cop. He says to me, ‘Do I know you?’ ‘No, man.’ Then he asks, ‘Haven’t I arrested you before?’ And I say, ‘Nigga, please! No!’

–E train near W 4th St

Mounted police officer holding a pay phone and sobbing: Please, Mom, I’ll do anything!

–8th & 5th

Overheard by: jewish girl

Professor, about police sirens blaring outside: They’re playing our song.

–Columbia University

Large black lady hissing about a police dog sniffing and following black guy: That dog be racial profilin’! He’s a racist! That cop dog’s a racist!

–Subway station, Times Square

Chick to cop writing ticket, standing next to the naked cowboy: Can you give him a ticket for having a bubble butt?

–Times Square

Overheard by: knipc

A Cappella Wednesday One-Liners

Hippy hobo: Hey, let’s start a sing along! I got the shaker, man. [Sings] Row, row, row your train, gently down the tube…

–1 train

Conductor: Next stop, Broadway. Transfer to the [sings] A-B-C-D-E-F… V.

–Brooklyn-bound D

Overheard by: Anthony

Guy singing: You’re going to die soon! You’re going to die soon!

–4th & Mercer

Barista singing while taking out the trash: This shit is the garbage! G-A-R-B-A-G-E!

–Starbucks, 8th & University

Overheard by: susan

Singing hobo: Y’all, gimme five dollars so I can get hi– I mean, home. High, home, high, home.

–4 train

Tweaker man weaving and singing: My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is fuckin’ burning from an STD.

–38th & 8th

Overheard by: Matt

Boy selling stuff on the train and rapping: Please don’t hate on my situation — gotta take the money from the Caucasian.

–R train

Overheard by: Jenny

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