All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Fumble for Wordity

Suit on cell: And I was like, ‘Dude, you should come with us.’ I told her to, like, come and like, have fun with us. I didn’t want her to feel like she’s, like, disintellegent or something…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Call him stupid

Woman on cell: He told me it wasn’t good for the diges– uh… digesticle.

–49th & 11th

Overheard by: alxie

Man: I would like to send this regular post, and I need a confrontation number.

–Post Office, Bed-Stuy Brevoort

Girl: It means super-maker-outer.

–54th & 9th

Hobo: They call it genocide, people. Put that in your laputaters.

–Brookyln-bound R train

Overheard by: what?

PR exec about his new start-up: It’s not exactly rocket scientry. That’s why I can do it.

–Office building, Midtown

Ghetto chick: That dude got no education. I mean, look how he talk!

–1 train

Overheard by: Anna

Everybody Loves Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: Class, let’s get a show of hands — how many of you aren’t loved by your parents? C’mon, someone must be lying here.

–LaGuardia High

Overheard by: mf

Man: This yogurt’s great. My cat loves it — makes him poop like a reindeer.

–Grocery store, 45th & Ditmars

Overheard by: Bob Going

Professor: I love mass law breaking. We should break social contract and go on a class trip to a bar so that I can get my dumb ass fired.

–NYU Silver Center

Lady on cell: He only backs out because he loves you.

–34th & Broadway

Hobo to bag lady: I love ya. Of course I love ya. You want me to fuck ya? I’ll fuck ya right now.

–30th & 7th

Aussie babe watching crying model dressed as a man on Top Model: I love it when they’re upset and dressed up in funny costumes!

–Berry & N 1st, Williamsburg

Girl: I’m not mean! I love everyone. I don’t like everyone… It’s a Christian thing.

–Palladium dorm, NYU

The State of Wednesday One-Liners

Crackhead: What’s your favorite state? Mine is Seattle.

–95th & 2nd

Guy on cell: … Got fisted from another state.

–7th Ave, between 56th & 57th St

Tourist chick: I’m in Pennsylvania?! What the hell?!

–1 train, Penn Station

Bald dude on cell: Yeah, I’m in Vermont with Bill and Mary*! It’s beautiful! I know, it’s amazing — I’m getting service right on the lake.

–Burger King, Graham & Skillman

Port Authority officer: It’s not easy being a dual-state crime fighter like me.

–Exchange Place PATH station

Overheard by: Marisol

Dude: I went to only one strip club in New York. It was the one in Jersey.

–27th & 10th

Wednesday One-Liners for the Haters

Hispanic lady to female friend: I coulda had kids! I coulda had a husband! I coulda had a house of my own! But you know what? You made me hate men!

–Delancey & Essex

Suit: If you are a drug dealer, be the drug dealer. That’s why I hate New York. In LA at least the drug dealers show up when you call them.

–Library Bar, Ave A

Overheard by: ljw

Little kid: Ughhh! I hate this universe!

–Neptune Diner, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Chick: He was going back to Germany and he felt like it was destiny that we met. I told him, ‘I met you once, and I hate Frank Sinatra.’

–Trash Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: katez

Chick: Don’t you just hate it when people eavesdrop on your conversation?

–O’Neals’ Restaurant, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Tess

The Forced Intimacy of Wednesday One-Liners

Laughing teen pointing at stranger: My dick all up in this lady’s ass!

–Crowded 3 train, near 96th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Conductor: This train is overcrowded due to an earlier incident. Please stand all the way in and clear the doors. If you don’t clear the doors, this train will not move. [At the next stop] This train is overcrowded. Please– Oh, fuck it [doors close].

–Crowded C train

Overheard by: Beth

Man: Damn, it be lookin’ like the welfare line up in here!

–Crowded L train platform, 6th Ave

Conductor: I know it’s crowded, people, but use some common sense! Please don’t hold the doors open with your head!

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Hispanic bus driver on loudspeaker: Get in here. On my bus you’re all Mexican! Move it, people!

–Crowded Q66 bus

Overheard by: Empty Refrigerator

Conductor: People, this train is very crowded, so please — when the doors are closing I want you all to inhale.

–Crowded N train

Mom to baby in oversized pram: We’re never gonna get out of here, we’re never gonna get out of here, we’re never gonna get out of here…

–Crowded A train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Wednesday One-Liners for Dennis Franz

Cop to old lady with walker: Excuse me, miss, do you have a license and insurance for that thing?

–57th St

Overheard by: jesse

Black teen to fellow commuter: So, I get off the train and I find this cop. He says to me, ‘Do I know you?’ ‘No, man.’ Then he asks, ‘Haven’t I arrested you before?’ And I say, ‘Nigga, please! No!’

–E train near W 4th St

Mounted police officer holding a pay phone and sobbing: Please, Mom, I’ll do anything!

–8th & 5th

Overheard by: jewish girl

Professor, about police sirens blaring outside: They’re playing our song.

–Columbia University

Large black lady hissing about a police dog sniffing and following black guy: That dog be racial profilin’! He’s a racist! That cop dog’s a racist!

–Subway station, Times Square

Chick to cop writing ticket, standing next to the naked cowboy: Can you give him a ticket for having a bubble butt?

–Times Square

Overheard by: knipc

A Cappella Wednesday One-Liners

Hippy hobo: Hey, let’s start a sing along! I got the shaker, man. [Sings] Row, row, row your train, gently down the tube…

–1 train

Conductor: Next stop, Broadway. Transfer to the [sings] A-B-C-D-E-F… V.

–Brooklyn-bound D

Overheard by: Anthony

Guy singing: You’re going to die soon! You’re going to die soon!

–4th & Mercer

Barista singing while taking out the trash: This shit is the garbage! G-A-R-B-A-G-E!

–Starbucks, 8th & University

Overheard by: susan

Singing hobo: Y’all, gimme five dollars so I can get hi– I mean, home. High, home, high, home.

–4 train

Tweaker man weaving and singing: My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is fuckin’ burning from an STD.

–38th & 8th

Overheard by: Matt

Boy selling stuff on the train and rapping: Please don’t hate on my situation — gotta take the money from the Caucasian.

–R train

Overheard by: Jenny

A Wednesday One-Liner Named Wanda

Hipster girl: Of course they do! Of course they feel pain! What are you, stupid? Of course fish feel pain! I feel bad for them! [Eats her bacon and eggs.]

–Igloo Café, Astoria

Overheard by: s h

Guy waiting for yoga class to start: It was such a sacred moment. I was like, ‘Thank you, brother fish, for feeding me.’

–Om Yoga

Musician: You should come hear us tomorrow. We’ve got a new song with the rousing lyrics, ‘Take that trout and throw it out…’

–Café 212, Columbia University

Overheard by: Prefers to keep the trout

20-something chick: They have, like, the best fish ever! Awesome catfish! I didn’t have fish, though. I had tuna.

–Chinatown

Man: Trout on a waffle!

–Jane Restaurant, W Houston St

Overheard by: Thompson

Wednesday One-Liners Have Killer Résumés

Conductor: This is Penn Station, the last stop. Time to go to work. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work you go.

–LIRR, Penn Station

Chick: My boyfriend still doesn’t want to get a job. Even the Unabomber had a job, didn’t he?

–Harlem

Blonde on cell: What? No, I swear to God I paid him… Yes, I do have a real job now… Yes, I did give it up, alright? I told you I paid him… It’s completely different!

–Starbucks

Black dude to friend: I fuck with people. That’s my job. That’s what I do all day. I fuck with people.

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: it worked on me

Hobo to lady suit: Hey, you wanna be my secretary?

–Outside Starbucks, Union Square

Ex-con: … So then the motherfucker is trying to get me job training, and I was like, ‘Fuck that shit,’ and robbed his apartment… So then they went and threw me back in!

–Bleecker & Bowery

Overheard by: Apple Juice

Hipster chick on cell: The only reason I can tolerate my job is because there is a bar across the street.

–Rockefeller Plaza

Wednesday One-Liners Consume Conspicuously

Man on cell: Yeah, I’m here at the store, but I forgot what you told me to get… What do you mean, ‘Who is this?’ How many guys have you sent to the store in the last five minutes? Oh… This is Jeff.

–Duane Reade, 89th & Columbus

Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Dude: I don’t think I’ll do too well on The Price Is Right. I’m too used to Manhattan. I’d say 35 dollars for a box of Bounce. Then I’d be like, ‘Holy shit, five bucks? Goddamn, Bob, where the fuck do you shop?!’

–Times Square

Overheard by: Dave

British tourist to another: A store just for containers?

–58th & Lex

Overheard by: sofs

Bimbette: It was a real Japanese store. The Japanese person behind the counter was Japanese.

–The Hilton

Filthy rich high school girl: You know, I was thinking — like, we go shopping all the time, but like, we buy clothes we never wear…

–79th & Madison

NYU girl: Jenny*, that is so not J. Crew-appropriate behavior!

–W 8th & Broadway

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