All Wednesday One-Liners

Cortitos Del Miércoles

Saucy Latina: I don’t want to get a bikini wax if it won’t be sexual.

–Dallas BBQ, Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin’ Ash Wednesday!

–42nd St. 4 station

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi… And tell you I’m never gonna see you again. Okay, bye!

–24th & 7th

Whiny Latina: I don’t want to sweat today — I can’t mess up my hair!

–New York Sports Club, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, ‘The bathroom’s right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?’

–3 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you’re a pig and need more than one woman and that’s why we aren’t getting married!

–Near Steinway St, Queens

Overheard by: ADC

Latino thug: That’s what we do. That’s what we do when we hangin’ out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That’s what we do. All my niggas, that’s what we do!

–Ft Greene

Overheard by: Andrew

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!

–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History

Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.

–Museum of Natural History gift shop

Overheard by: rufus

Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?

–Museum of Natural History

Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dottie

Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.

–Museum of Natural History

Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!

–Museum of Natural History

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Freudian Slip

Announcer before start of women’s race: Women, please be careful of men trying to go in from behind.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Omar

Man: Wow, this is the most nuts I’ve ever had in my mouth at one time!

–Chocolate shop, Jane St & 8th Ave

Chick pointing at T-Rex: Oh my god, it’s so big! Don’t you wanna just ride it?

–Museum of Natural History

Conductor: Sorry, folks. Looks like I’m having some trouble in my rear.

–C train

Overheard by: mosteen.

MTA employee: Don’t just stick it in… No, you have to ease it in and glide it through.

–A/C/E subway entrance, 44th St

Overheard by: Patrick

Mom to hubby holding sunscreen: Honey, did you lube up the kids?

–Central Park, near 96th St tennis courts

Lady to lesbian coworker: I wish somebody would warm up my muffin.

–1250 Broadway

All Your Base Are Belong to Wednesday One-Liners

Woman who endured rush hour: Wow, what a rush! That was just like Frogger!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Amy D M

Girl watching friend play Frogger: Oh, I remember how to play! You’re supposed to avoid the cars!

–Barcade, Williamsburg

Overheard by: champ

Dude: I’m telling you, I was put on this Earth just to play fuckin’ Tetris.

–W 13th St

Overheard by: Lauren L

Little Dominican boy to classmate: Why you had to tell on me, white boy, version-one-of-Donkey-Kong?!

–PS 8, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Mona

Law student: He’s a good professor, but he doesn’t have that Mortal Kombat instinct. You know — finish him!

–Sammy’s Noodle Shop, 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners Threw Up in Front of Dean Wormer

Drunk frat guy: I don’t know about you fellas, but I’m going to Narnia. Shazam! [Dives head first into a wardrobe.]

–NYU dorm

Frat boy: Dude, do you think if I start drinking now I’ll still be drunk in Michigan?

–JFK

Overheard by: JJ

Drunk frat dude on cell: So, does autumn come after winter or before it?

–Outside Wogie’s, West Village

Overheard by: misspenny

Black frat dude to white frat dude: I mean, if the KKK could’ve thought of BET, they woulda done it 50 years ago.

–Columbia University

Drunk Long Island frat boy: At least no one got raped, so that’s pretty good.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: echo

Sweet, Sweet Wednesday One-Liners

Male driver, honking and screaming at pedestrians: They’re fucking muffins! You’re waiting in line for fucking 30 minutes for cupcakes! You are all children! Children!

–Line at Magnolia Bakery

Chick: When I say I’m not hungry what I mean is I just want to eat the icing off something.

–Washington Square

Little boy to another: Are you afraid of lollipops?

–8th St & University Pl

Overheard by: W. Liang

Teacher: The Frenchies were happy — we’ve saved their crepes! Ah, oui, oui! Our crepes! Hahaha!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-aged man: It’s a three pound ball of opium dipped in chocolate.

–Farmer’s Market, Union Square

NYU girl: I mean, I eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream every night before I go to bed. It’s something you just get used to.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Amelia

Angry man on cell: Tell me where he is or no dessert!

–Spring & Mulberry St

Overheard by: 2 of the mulberry 3

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Hard

Teen girl: And then it was like Mister T was there in the corner stroking his two foot cock!

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Conductor: The next stop is my dick.

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Overheard by: Nicole

Girl: I’ve seen one penis, like, a thousand times.

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd

Lady: He’s got quite an impressive member. I was in a club when he unfurled it. I tripped on it. Never wearing those shoes again.

–Starbucks, Park Ave

Tourist mom to kids, pointing to Greek sculpture sans penis: Look at this one — he has testicles… but where’s his gizmo?

–The Met

Skinny queer, dancing: Man, dick is so hard to find here.

–The Cock, 2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: unfound dick

Wednesday One-Liners Off the Vine

Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there’s a million things you can do with a mothafuckin’ grape!

–23rd & 7th

Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: You’ll get FAT!

Suit: I’m totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It’s just taking the easy way out.

–Sotto Voce, Park Slope

Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy

Lady: I feel like I’m living in a banana.

–75th & Madison

Conductor: The E train to Queens — that’s E as in ‘apple’ — is running regularly.

–A train, 14th St

Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin’ ’em a banana looked like a dick!

–19th & 4th, Brooklyn

Ask Your Doctor about Wednesday One-Liners

Investment banker lady: He needs some hobbies besides painkillers.

–45th & Park

Overheard by: triSarahtops

Queer: Who needs a boyfriend when you have OxyContin?

–4th St & Ave C

Overheard by: Kenney Matthews

Excited chick on cell: Oh my god, and my mom said for my birthday she is gonna get me these pills!

–79th & Amsterdam

Middle-aged man: That is why I have been taking my father’s pills.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Coffeeshopgoth

NYU girl to another: If your dad didn’t want to go on anti-depressants before, he’s gonna want to now!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Sarah

Philosophy professor: So, let’s just say one time I was on… prescription medication.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Raquel

Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Kramden

Bus driver: This bus is making all the same stops as the subway. This bus is the train! This bus is the train! Choo-choo!

–Bus running as the 7 train

Bus driver: Step on in. Step on in. Tropical palm trees in the back.

–Q101 bus, 59th & 2nd

Overheard by: marerod

Bus driver, about blonde cop crossing street: Christie Brinkley there is looking to lock someone up so she can make detective next week.

–B75 bus, Brooklyn

Bus driver: Everybody sliiide to the left… Sliiide to the right… One hop this time!

–B44 bus

Overheard by: steph

Ballin’ driver: Dem tips are not just for the ride, they fo’ the looks. Much love!

–LaGuardia shuttle bus

Overheard by: Alex

Bus driver: Utopia!

–Q46 bus

Bus driver: Attention ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready for inspection.

–79th St Crosstown Bus

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