Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last

Dude to pal: Hey, it’s nice out — we should go get handjobs.

–Old Town Tavern, 18th & Park

Overheard by: not a bad idea

Saleslady to another: The nicer I am to my boyfriend, the crappier he treats me. Maybe I will bake him something with a laxative in it…

–Queens Mall

Hobo orator: Forty-second Street was a nice place — full of crackheads — until Guiliani came around and cleaned it up.

–N/R/Q station, 42nd St

Dad with two kids, in sing-song voice: Stop it… Stop it… Please be good… Please be nice… Please stop biting me…

–LIRR waiting area, Penn Station

Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses… Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks.

–Connecting flight to Gatwick Airport

Overheard by: Annoyed Passenger

Loud guy on cell: I did it because I’m a really nice guy. I have a great line of credit at Circuit City.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Snapdragon

Posted on August 3, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Etiquette, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Forget the Popcorn

Hipster: Aren’t you some kind of traitor? You’re going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?

–Mondo Kim’s, St. Mark’s Place

Usher: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start ’til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.

–New York Public Theatre

Posted on August 2, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Film, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty

Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gamoid

Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.

–1 train, Lincoln Center

Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.

–BX 12 bus

Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.

–W. Broadway & Spring

Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?

–4th St & 6th Ave

Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?

–Q train, Canal St

Overheard by: mike C.

Posted on August 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Public Transportation, Rape, Sex, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot

Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]

–A train

Asian kid to another: It’s hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I’ma kill you!

–D train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sitting behind them

Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!

–Central Park

Man: It smells like an STD in here.

–E train

Irish lad: A man’s baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.

–U-Haul rental place, Broadway

Overheard by: Kerry

Posted on July 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Scents of the City, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Apparently, We Won’t Never Forget

Tourist girl: We’re here! Wow, this is it!
Tourist mother: No, I don’t think it is. This isn’t the Soup Nazi!…You, where’s the Soup Nazi?

–Daily Soup, 54th Street

Girl: I’ve never been to that restaurant, I hear it’s nice.
Guy: Yeah, it’s got its own Nazi charm to it.

–30th & Lexington office

Southern girl: Why didn’t you come, Daddy? That was our stop!
Southern dad: We’ll ride this damn train till they tell us to get off.

–E train

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Guy: This weather is like the Holocaust, except much much worse.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: mervis

Posted on July 27, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Hitler/Nazis, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-liners Are Expecting

Dude: There is nothing like cereal with breast milk.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Burke

Chick: How do mermaids get pregnant? They don’t have any legs.

–Office, 29th & 7th

Stroller guy: Say goodbye to your sister-slash-mother.

–Prospect Heights

Woman on cell: It’ll be fabulous! He’s die and she’ll get pregnant.

–West 4th & Macdougal

Hasidic lady: Please, someone sneezes in China and I get pregnant.

–57th & Park

Overheard by: Brandy Rowell

Guy: My whole family hates me; I hope they all fucking die, even the babies.

–Central Park

Overheard by: steve alcott

Chick: What is it with me and getting pregnant?

–66th & Broadway

Guy: No, now you take the placenta home with you and eat it.

–Hill Cafe, Cobble Hill

Posted on July 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

I Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You still love me even though I’m a fatty?

–113th & Broadway

Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren’t such a crack-whore.

–11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Kaitlyn

Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don’t find them; they find you!

–Williamsburg waterfront

Overheard by: could use all three

Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn’t he moisturize?!

–Harlem

Overheard by: McN

Ghetto girl: Love ain’t got nothin’ to do with the way you smellin’ right now!

–Chambers & Broadway

Overheard by: AWAG

Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me?

–57th between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: harvey

Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you…Of course she’s just doing it to be a bitch…I love Susan.

–73rd & Columbus

Overheard by: Will

Posted on July 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Diet/Weight, Drugs, Love, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Not in Kansas Anymore

Tourist mom to daughter: This is a train station.

–Lobby of the MetLife building

Tourist on cell: I just humped Timmy in Times Square!

–Times Square

Tourist girl to no one, pointing out window: Oh my god, they actually have carts in New York that sell pretzels?! It’s actually true?!

–Boston-bound Greyhound

Tourist girl to boyfriend: Wow, New York is just like Ohio!

–Fast food corridor, Penn Station

Overheard by: Bean

Tourist to guide: Is it illegal to pick your nose in America?

–79th & 5th

Tourist kid: So, this has nothing to do with batteries?

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Good thing I have an iPhone

Posted on July 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Cribs

Creepster: I’ve always thought babies make the best pets.

–Bronx Zoo

Woman on cell: What the hell is this? E’ry bitch in here got somebody else baby! Black ladies got white babies. White ladies got Chinese babies. Is this Take-somebody-else-baby-to-the-park Day? Shit, I wish somebody woulda took mines!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Manhattman

Hipster chick, looking at over-sized purse: Oh, I like this bag! You could fit a baby in here! [Lady nearby stares.] Y’know, not that I’d ever put a baby… in a bag… Sheesh.

–Urban Outfitters, 2nd Ave

Lady on cell: I know it’s reasonable to worry about things. but I just think it’s sort of strange that you worry about a shark jumping up and snatching your baby while you’re driving over a bridge! [Long pause] Well, did you ever think of rolling up the windows?

–Union Square

Blonde on cell: So, my friend took me to this vegan barbecue this weekend. Fucking bullshit. I had to go home and eat a baby just to feel normal again.

–59th & 5th