Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada.
–West Elm furniture, DUMBO
Overheard by: Ashley
The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!
–Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway
Guy on slippery sidewalk: Man, I can’t wait! I can’t wait to see somebody bust their ass, yo.
–86th & Broadway
Conductor: To the passenger in the first car transporting a ladder, please make sure you have control of your ladder, and please don’t knock anybody in the noggin. To all other passengers riding in the first car, please be prepared to duck.
–6 train
Guy on cell: I sliced my thumb with a box cutter, but they told me the only guy who could get workman’s comp for that injury is Roger Ebert.
–4 train
Blonde teen: So, like, what does someone do if they break their leg or something on Christmas? Because the hospital’s closed on Christmas…
–8th & Broadway
Blonde, tapping shoulder of kid on crutches crossing street: Tag, you’re it!
–Astor Pl
Overheard by: Kyle
Girl: If she were dead, she would have called, right?
–83rd & York
Overheard by: Will
Suit: Well see, I’ve always either been single or in a relationship.
–Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: McGins
Guy on cell: Yeah, what he said made us sound stupid. But it made me sound even stupider!
–Broadway & Bleecker
Overheard by: jillypickle
Girl on cell: Hello? No, you have the wrong number…Hello? No, I told you you had the wrong number. What are you, illiterate?
–M train
Overheard by: Jane
Guy: Yo, I never knew Dean Koontz wrote books in Spanish. He’s mad smart! And Bill Clinton, too!
–Barnes & Noble libros en espanol section, Union Square
McChick: Would you like that “with cheese”, or without “with cheese”?
–McDonald’s, 44th and Lex
Man: Oh shit, it’s raining outside too?
–Office, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Colin F.
Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday.
–Restaurant, 46th St
Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.
–F train
Overheard by: Kevin Z
Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!
–Broome & Allen
Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.
–St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave
Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Gabriel
Goth boy: Either I just saw Gollum eating sushi off of Rose Cotton’s naked body, or I am coked up to the gills!
–E train
Overheard by: Biff Largemeats
Chick: Ya know, I gotta say, you really do need to take drugs to be interesting. ‘Cuase without ’em, you’re really boring.
–Rue B, Avenue B
Overheard by: Lisa Ramaci
Guy: I can’t do acid but I can do shrooms. Especially shroom tea.
–Houston & Essex
Overheard by: Joel
Artsy girl: It’s made me so much more creative, and that’s, like, so much more important for my art than anything else. And the buzz is great, too.
–14th & 5th
Guy: Oh I always have a Metrocard on me…they’re great for cutting up coke.
–Astor Place station
Chick: It’s not like there’s a moral high ground when it comes to methadone.
–Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Sara Beane
Girl on cell: I know, that’s the worst! You have to try that towel-on-the-floor thing, and that never works.
–18th & 5th
Overheard by: jaykayess
Woman: If I’m not ovulating by Thursday, I’m going to be pissed!
–57th between 7th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cal Chemical
Very old man: …yeah, he slept with many different men in his bed for many years.
–Eye to Eye Vision, Union Square
Overheard by: Rachel W
Man: Would you rather have a hat made of spiders or penises for fingers?
–93rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Steve
Woman on cell: She told me she felt like a pecan pie covered in roaches. Isn’t that weird? So I told her, ‘Honey, it’s time to call the exterminator.’
–Smith & Warren St, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Hobo: You’re nothing but a flea on a tick’s ass!
–18th & Park
Hippie: So, I’m standing there naked and this roach is sizing up my junk…
–Shuttle
Overheard by: Capitalist Pig
Chick on cell: … Well, if you didn’t throw spiders at him…
–15th & 7th
Cube dweller: I think spiders would like my head — so much empty space to crawl around in.
–Butterick Building, NYU School of Law
Overheard by: missing in action
Dude to pal: Hey, it’s nice out — we should go get handjobs.
–Old Town Tavern, 18th & Park
Overheard by: not a bad idea
Saleslady to another: The nicer I am to my boyfriend, the crappier he treats me. Maybe I will bake him something with a laxative in it…
–Queens Mall
Hobo orator: Forty-second Street was a nice place — full of crackheads — until Guiliani came around and cleaned it up.
–N/R/Q station, 42nd St
Dad with two kids, in sing-song voice: Stop it… Stop it… Please be good… Please be nice… Please stop biting me…
–LIRR waiting area, Penn Station
Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses… Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks.
–Connecting flight to Gatwick Airport
Overheard by: Annoyed Passenger
Loud guy on cell: I did it because I’m a really nice guy. I have a great line of credit at Circuit City.
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Snapdragon
Hipster: Aren’t you some kind of traitor? You’re going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?
–Mondo Kim’s, St. Mark’s Place
Usher: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start ’til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.
–New York Public Theatre
Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”
–Union Square
Overheard by: Gamoid
Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.
–1 train, Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.
–BX 12 bus
Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.
–W. Broadway & Spring
Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?
–4th St & 6th Ave
Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?
–Q train, Canal St
Overheard by: mike C.
