Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: Hot Enough For Ya?

Logistical genius: If the power goes out and we lose the air conditioning, we can always use the fans.

–SoHo

Dude on cell: Am I keeping it real? I’m wearing a Goddamn blazer, and it’s 100 degrees out. Of course I’m keeping it real!

–Hudson & Leroy

Conductor: Now, I know it’s real hot out there, so this is what I do when I’m walking down the streets of New York and trying to keep cool. I just sing this little song to myself: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know”…All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there.

–A train

Overheard by: Chloe

Woman to her son: It’s too hot for stupidness.

–59th St

Proselytizer: You think this is hot? Hell is hot!

–Uptown N train

Overheard by: Cpt. Kate

Guy on cell: How you been doing in this heatwave?…That’s hot…Well, now I’m getting all hot, thinking of my hot, sweaty cousin.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Nozomi

Dedicated employee: Frankly, the only reason I’m going in to work today is because they have better air conditioning than I do.

–Manhattan bound R train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Logs of Wednesday One-liners

Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada.

–West Elm furniture, DUMBO

Overheard by: Ashley

The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!

–Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway

It’s Funny ’til Somebody Breaks Their Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on slippery sidewalk: Man, I can’t wait! I can’t wait to see somebody bust their ass, yo.

–86th & Broadway

Conductor: To the passenger in the first car transporting a ladder, please make sure you have control of your ladder, and please don’t knock anybody in the noggin. To all other passengers riding in the first car, please be prepared to duck.

–6 train

Guy on cell: I sliced my thumb with a box cutter, but they told me the only guy who could get workman’s comp for that injury is Roger Ebert.

–4 train

Blonde teen: So, like, what does someone do if they break their leg or something on Christmas? Because the hospital’s closed on Christmas…

–8th & Broadway

Blonde, tapping shoulder of kid on crutches crossing street: Tag, you’re it!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Kyle

Wednesday One-liners Use Safety Scissors

Girl: If she were dead, she would have called, right?

–83rd & York

Overheard by: Will

Suit: Well see, I’ve always either been single or in a relationship.

–Duane & Broadway

Overheard by: McGins

Guy on cell: Yeah, what he said made us sound stupid. But it made me sound even stupider!

–Broadway & Bleecker

Overheard by: jillypickle

Girl on cell: Hello? No, you have the wrong number…Hello? No, I told you you had the wrong number. What are you, illiterate?

–M train

Overheard by: Jane

Guy: Yo, I never knew Dean Koontz wrote books in Spanish. He’s mad smart! And Bill Clinton, too!

–Barnes & Noble libros en espanol section, Union Square

McChick: Would you like that “with cheese”, or without “with cheese”?

–McDonald’s, 44th and Lex

Man: Oh shit, it’s raining outside too?

–Office, 40th & 3rd

Overheard by: Colin F.

Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday.

–Restaurant, 46th St

Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.

–F train

Overheard by: Kevin Z

Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!

–Broome & Allen

Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave

Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gabriel

Wednesday One-liners Wanna Get High

Goth boy: Either I just saw Gollum eating sushi off of Rose Cotton’s naked body, or I am coked up to the gills!

–E train

Overheard by: Biff Largemeats

Chick: Ya know, I gotta say, you really do need to take drugs to be interesting. ‘Cuase without ’em, you’re really boring.

–Rue B, Avenue B

Overheard by: Lisa Ramaci

Guy: I can’t do acid but I can do shrooms. Especially shroom tea.

–Houston & Essex

Overheard by: Joel

Artsy girl: It’s made me so much more creative, and that’s, like, so much more important for my art than anything else. And the buzz is great, too.

–14th & 5th

Guy: Oh I always have a Metrocard on me…they’re great for cutting up coke.

–Astor Place station

Chick: It’s not like there’s a moral high ground when it comes to methadone.

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Sara Beane

Girl on cell: I know, that’s the worst! You have to try that towel-on-the-floor thing, and that never works.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: jaykayess

Wednesday One-liners…In Bed

Woman: If I’m not ovulating by Thursday, I’m going to be pissed!

–57th between 7th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cal Chemical

Very old man: …yeah, he slept with many different men in his bed for many years.

–Eye to Eye Vision, Union Square

Overheard by: Rachel W

Wednesday One-Liners from Joe’s Apartment

Man: Would you rather have a hat made of spiders or penises for fingers?

–93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Steve

Woman on cell: She told me she felt like a pecan pie covered in roaches. Isn’t that weird? So I told her, ‘Honey, it’s time to call the exterminator.’

–Smith & Warren St, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Hobo: You’re nothing but a flea on a tick’s ass!

–18th & Park

Hippie: So, I’m standing there naked and this roach is sizing up my junk…

–Shuttle

Overheard by: Capitalist Pig

Chick on cell: … Well, if you didn’t throw spiders at him…

–15th & 7th

Cube dweller: I think spiders would like my head — so much empty space to crawl around in.

–Butterick Building, NYU School of Law

Overheard by: missing in action

Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last

Dude to pal: Hey, it’s nice out — we should go get handjobs.

–Old Town Tavern, 18th & Park

Overheard by: not a bad idea

Saleslady to another: The nicer I am to my boyfriend, the crappier he treats me. Maybe I will bake him something with a laxative in it…

–Queens Mall

Hobo orator: Forty-second Street was a nice place — full of crackheads — until Guiliani came around and cleaned it up.

–N/R/Q station, 42nd St

Dad with two kids, in sing-song voice: Stop it… Stop it… Please be good… Please be nice… Please stop biting me…

–LIRR waiting area, Penn Station

Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses… Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks.

–Connecting flight to Gatwick Airport

Overheard by: Annoyed Passenger

Loud guy on cell: I did it because I’m a really nice guy. I have a great line of credit at Circuit City.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Snapdragon

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Forget the Popcorn

Hipster: Aren’t you some kind of traitor? You’re going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?

–Mondo Kim’s, St. Mark’s Place

Usher: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start ’til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.

–New York Public Theatre

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