Pilot: We’re on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK

Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

–LaGuardia

United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to use the last-one-on-is-a-rotten-egg method of boarding here.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Hour-and-a-Half Delayed

Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise.

–Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Debbie Kate

Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I’m sure they would really appreciate it, too.

–United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago

Overheard by: Ellen

Airline representative: Paging La… La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Paging… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Delayed

Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA… Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jimmy-cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he’ll fly us so I’m going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn’t know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: this one goes out to dan cao