Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Never Said They Were Exclusive

Woman on cell: Well, her profile says ‘In a relationship,’ so she has no excuse to be fucking everyone else’s boyfriends!

–The Bagel House, 39th St & Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: Louie

Guy: Hey, I’ll give you my ex-girlfriend if you’ll take her.

–1st St & Ave A

Overheard by: apples

Fag hag: Anderson Cooper is so gorgeous. I want to be his boyfriend.

–1 train

Overheard by: Allisa

Ghetto babe: She kicked the shit out of three or four boyfriends. She’s not gettin’ another. What’s she gonna do? Call him up, kick the shit out of him, get herself locked up again?

–Penn Station

Girl on cell: I might break up with my boyfriend because he wants to get a monkey.

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: Matt

Bimbette: Do you think the reason I can’t get a boyfriend is because I never re-post those things on MySpace?!

–LaGuardia airport

Little girl: I don’t have a boyfriend right now. Sometimes it’s better not to be in a relationship.

–72nd St & York

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method

Columbia grad student: …developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance.

–Columbia University

Professor, receiving text message in class: Ooh. That’s interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I’ve got permission… We’re never going to get to anything today, are we? I’m so bad at this…

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chinese professor: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it.

–John Jay College

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Teen guy: So I ended up in a dress. I don’t think English class will ever be the same.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Sadistic professor: Unfortunately we don’t flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming.

–Fordham, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing: Reed, if you fall, I’m not a doctor yet!

–West Village, 8th & 14th

Overheard by: annie

NYU girl to professor: So, if you’re sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn’t ask the question, "What are you thinking?"

–NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston

Wednesday One-liners Are the New Lavender

Crazy guy: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Homosexuality! Heh heh heh.

–53rd Street station

Guy on cell: No, I’m waiting for the ferry…No, not him; the boat that goes into the city.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island

Overheard by: Chris Cotterman

Girl: She said she wasn’t attracted to me! I mean, I’m straight as a goat, but…am I ugly?

–R train

Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian

Middle-aged guy: You know, somebody needs to tell gay men that they’re not 17 year old girls.

–David Barton Gym, 23rd Street

Queer: For God’s sake, be creative. We’re gay!

–West Elm, 18th Street

Woman on cell: It’s really gay outside right now.

–Bowery & 4th

Dude: I thought I saw Matt Damon; then I realized it was just a gay guy.

–Barrow Street

Crazy guy: And what do gay people do with the money they save on child support? The parade! They pay for the parade.

–53rd Street station

Wednesday One-liners, M.D.

Girl on cell: Face eating tumor. Did you hear me? Face eating tumor!

–Grand Central

Wednesday One-Liners Thought “Elemeno” Was a Letter

Lady on cell: Yes, that’s right. N as in ‘Nancy,’ M as in ‘umbrella’…

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Conductor: This is a downtown V train — V as in ‘vasectomy.’

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kim

MTA announcement: The next train is a Brooklyn-bound C train. C as in ‘Shelly.’

–59th St station

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Loud man on cell: No, no, her name starts with an F… No, F… F like in ‘phonics’! What? It doesn’t? Oh, well, I guess you could spell it that way, too.

–L train

Loudspeaker: This is the B-as-in-‘badass’ train. Transfer to the D and Four.

–Yankee Stadium station

Ghetto girl on cell: C… No! C — like the last letter in ‘New York.’

–103rd & Lex

Are You High, Wednesday One-liners?

College chick: …its intended use is for tobacco and that’s my story.

–Barnard College

Guy on cell : Yo, it’s fine, I’ll just get some other dude’s piss.

–104th and Amsterdam

Lady standing all alone (aside from the contributor): Michael, you might want to move out of the way of those people.

–Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Check ‘In a Relationship’

Chick on cell: I always end up dating people whose names aren’t actually their names.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman on cell: There’s this guy I think is really hot. He’s gained some weight and lost his hair… but in a graceful way. No, no, nothing like that. He’s really nice and he’s so smart… Well, he drinks a lot.

–Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: MHY

Woman to friend: 2006 was a terrible year, but 2007 is gonna be better… No men in my life! But there’s this man at my job, and I’m trying to stay away from him, but I just can’t. From the moment I saw him… Whew! One day he said to me, ‘Girl, put your hand in my pocket, I got some lunch money in there for you.’ And I did it, and… Whew! I said, ‘I know what that is… That’s no lunch money… Let me feel it again.’

–F train

Overheard by: liza

Man on cell: If I can’t get an American Jewish woman to go out with me… then there must be something wrong with American Jewish women!

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: Melanie

British chick to guy: I’m not breaking up with you in that sense…

–49th St, between 9th & 10th Ave

Overheard by: nyamelia

Hipster chick: … And I’m like, ‘I love you.’ And he’s like, ‘Get away from me.’ I think he’s just afraid of commitment.

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Regina Deorum

Woman to friends: Who needs a boyfriend when you’ve got a dog who farts?

–Max Brenner, Broadway, between 13th & 14th

Wednesday One-liners Appeal to the Prurient Interest

Teen boy: Dude, if Chelsea ever spread her legs, bats would fly out.

–1 train

Guy: Getting a blow job from her was like fucking a blow up doll.

–4th & A

Overheard by: cio

Guy: 50,000 people?! By the law of averages, I should get some!

–81st & Broadway

Guy on cell : Listen, the manager said he wants to see anal and he wants to see swallow…

–55th & Broadway

Overheard by: Marko

Guy: For all the years I’ve lived in New York, most of the girls I’ve taken home have been from the subway.

–Washington Heights

FedEx guy: It felt like 100 miles between kissing her and fucking her.

–48th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: John Gullotta

The Excited Titter of Wednesday One-Liners

Tech director: I don’t need dirty, rusty, random screws.

–Lincoln Center Institute

Overheard by: Brina

Excitable Islamic Studies professor: … And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed’s wood exploded into flowers! Yes!

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: amelia

Man on conference call speakerphone: Our card penetration was not what we expected from the district. Lucy*, can you tell everyone how you got such good penetration at your store this month?

–The Gap, Queens

Conductor: No! No doors in my rear! Not in my rear!

–A train, Broadway Junction

Overheard by: amused

Grandmother tourist to granddaughter: Wanna grab a pole, Lacey?

–6 train, 51st St

Overheard by: With a name like that……

Chick on cell: I sat on a Camelback’s nipple, and now my ass is wet.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman with big bag squeezing past for a seat: Sorry — once I’m in, you won’t even feel me.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rebecca

A Wednesday One-Liner Is Worth a Thousand Words

Cheerful lady taking photos: Smile! Say, ‘Shit’!

–20th & Park

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Chick with camera: I am gonna Flickr the fuck out of you!

–Burp Castle, 7th & 2nd

Overheard by: Still dazzled by the flash

Hippie chick: Yeah, I put up a picture of her on my site — the one of her on the couch. It was the only picture where she didn’t have two dicks in her.

–Thai restaurant, Park Slope

Angry man, about his ex: I was looking at her picture and got mad right away. You know instant oatmeal? I was instant angry.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: KristenH

Man with accent, into pay phone: I have the pictures! With the girl, yes! … Vagina in them! Yes!

–W 4th St

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