Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Crash Moment

Teen chick: You know, when I think about it, I really don’t know how she can be my sister. Our birthdays are exactly one month apart, and she’s light-skinned.

–B48 bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: eefers

Kid to another: No, really. I’m telling you — Michael Jackson used to be black. I saw it on TV.

–B61 bus, Brooklyn

Lady to friend: Your black ass is going to melt just as fast as my white ass if there is a nuclear war.

–116th & Broadway

White girl to another: So, what’s your dream ethnicity?

–Q train, Canal St

Big black guy: I love Old Navy because it’s like GAP, but for black people.

–Old Navy, 6th Ave

Conductor: Next stop, Penn Station. Black power, motherfuckers.

–2 train, 42nd St

The Wednesday One-Liners behind the Badge

Male cop to another: Did I tell you today how much I love you?

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Egon

Thug jumping onto train just as doors were closing: Yo, what train is this? Nah, I don’t care as long as the cops didn’t see me.

–C train, Penn Station

Overheard by: go rangers!

Cop car loudspeaker to random driver: Please use your turn signal when you make an illegal left turn and cut off the bus causing an accident.

–8th & University

Overheard by: misspenny

Conductor: Do not go in between cars at any time, whether or not the train is moving. This is becoming a police state. That’s why I’m outta here.

–S train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Hametuka

Pepé Le Pew’s Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good — like Campbell’s soup!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emily

Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.

–39th & 5th

Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!

–N train

Overheard by: Lauren

Chick to friend: Shut up, or I’ll sniff you in a minute!

–Central Park

JAP: Ew, like — I like, washed my hair, like, this morning… Why does it, like, smell? Ewww… That’s sooo bimmey!

–1 train

Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!

–L train, Bedford stop

Start the Clock, Wednesday One-liners

Suit: You know, at 2:30 in the morning, I become, like, a zombie of love.

–G train

Chick: There’s this guy who lives in that clock over there. They showed his apartment on TV. It’s like a prehistoric landmark.

–F train

Overheard by: mh

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’m a ten-minutes-early girl and you’re a ten-minutes-late girl, and together that makes us twenty minutes late.

–Houston & Eldridge

Overheard by: Shane

Yuppie lady: Let’s see your tits!…Hey, we’ve got time. Take off your top.

–Bryant Park

Guy on cell: You can’t fist someone for that long. They turn into a handpuppet after 5 minutes.

–47th & 5th

Don’t Drink and Wednesday One-Liner

Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy before I drive her.

–51st & 8th

Overheard by: Nigel

Chick to guy: I’ll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home.

–5th & 2nd

Woman to man: Well, if we’re not going to drive anywhere, we might as well drink!

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Hazel

Lady to friend: Yeah, he traded the Camry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit into one car.

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: seann r

Messenger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fucking truck — I’m the truck!

–28th & 7th

Wednesday One-Liners Look Manly in Tights

Despondent hobo: Spider-Man is dead, mothafuckah.

–Thompson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Emily B.

Earnest white girl: So, I’ve been thinking about it, and here’s what I’m picturing — dat ho is lyin’ flat on her stomach, and Superman is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he’s in flyin’ position… And it seems like maybe it would be easier to Superman a small person… I bet you could Superman a big girl. Yeah, definitely.

–H&M, Soho

Angry vendor in heavy accent, after police bust nearby: They just arrest him. They arrest everybody. They think they are Superman!

–Greene St, Soho

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Costumed guy: Two things you never do — you never pull Superman’s cape, and you never kick Spider-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spider-Man] You are wearing a cup, right?

–13th & University

Overheard by: theresa

Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That’s right. You threw up.

–4 train

Overheard by: Leora

Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin’ at the bar, talkin’ ’bout “old school.” How you gon’ talk ’bout “old school” when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that.

–Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row

Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel.

–Broadway & 104th

Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On

Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this!

–W 50th

Cabbie on cell: Hello? I’m going to beat you up… ‘Cause I want to!

–23rd & Lex

Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street?

–Delancey & Chrystie

Overheard by: Les Chinatown

Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then — I am at the airport…I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn’t bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today.

–99th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Laughing in the back

Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies.

–30th & 5th

Wednesday One-Liners for the Bush Administration

Man to crying woman he just chased down the street: What did you want me to do?! Lie and say that you’re a good writer?

–25th & Madison

Overheard by: Jocelyn

Chick to friend: But I only lie when I know no one will find out!

–Union Square

Kid to friends, repeatedly: Yo — animals… They don’t know how to lie.

–6th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A

Overheard by: anthony recchia

Bimbette: Yeah, I’ve been to hundreds of Catholic churches… I still lie.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Overheard by: are you proud of this?

Wednesday One-Liners Got a Norplant When They Turned 11

Girl: Promiscuity is turning out to be a lot more work than I thought it would be.

–Columbia bookstore

Drunken hobo singing: Jesus loves me! Jesus supports me! [Turning to two NYU girls] Jesus doesn’t support you! [Chuckles] Whores!

–LaGuardia & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Professor: Monogamy is depressing. When you get married you can only have sex with one person for the rest of your life. I’ve been married for 25 years, and I was on Prozac by year two. Female promiscuity is frowned upon in nearly all cultures. Dammit!

–Fordham University

Girl on cell: Oh my god! That is so funny! Wait, is she a slut? It would be so much funnier if she was a slut… Oh. Never mind.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Cassie

Bubbly high school chick: … And I didn’t know, so I just opened my legs…

–Astor Pl

Homeless man yelling at passersby: Can any of you spare a nickel in the name of alcoholic beverages? Or maybe a loose woman or two?!

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: you gotta respect the honesty

Dad to little girl: Okay, honey, now how do we spell ‘whore’? Remember, sound it out…

–Penn Station

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