Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons

Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.

–9th St & Ave A

Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.

–Outside The Grand, 58th St

Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: But he didn’t even kiss me at the club! We didn’t kiss until the hospital, and it wasn’t even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn’t kiss me back.

–Café, Union Square

Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!

–NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr

Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn’t even get me a fuckin’ vibrator!

–51st & 9th

Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma’s too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Mitchell

Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won’t work out because he’s gay and I’m a lesbian, but he says I’m the sexiest person with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.

–Franklin & Church

Overheard by: Jenny

Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.

–72nd & Broadway

Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?

–Rivington & Ludlow

Overheard by: aryn

Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!

–Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle

Overheard by: elizabeth

Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.

–A train

Overheard by: Jim W.

Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries.

–19th, between 5th & 6th

Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.

–ESCA restaurant

Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry.

–Flight 3188 into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Tom

Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue’s penis: Come on, girls, it’s time to leave. You’ll be lesbians before you know it.

–Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You’re upset that the woman could tell we’re dykes. I’m upset that she insulted us because we’re dykes.

–16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.

–207th St station

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!

–E/V platform, 5th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hydrated

Clerk: My water tastes like the soup we had yesterday. And I can’t decide whether to keep drinking it or not.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Buppie on cell: Listen, I’ll come over, we’ll brew some tea, and then we’ll get hammered.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Justine

Guy’s guy: My 19th birthday is Monday… Yeah, I think I’m gonna cry… I don’t know, I’ve been crying a lot lately. Like, I was reading a Times Book Review the other day, and at the end I just started crying… I know! I think it’s all the soy milk I’ve been drinking.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Mbeezers

Black lady: Cold water here! Cold water! Come and get your cold water! Black people, come and get your cold water from a sista. Jewish people, come and get your cold water, it’s kosher.

–Union Square

Overheard by: alana landa

Professor: I completely understand if anyone feels like committing suicide after this class. Or drinking a pint of whiskey. Both are appropriate responses.

–Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: raqqy

Short guy in lavender polo: And I just flewww that cranberry juice right up to that wedding!

–Canal St

RA to freshman: Forties are like the new Cristal. They’re economic… They’re sociable… And yeah, yeah that’s it.

–Columbia freshman dorm lounge

Overheard by: Columbia Freshman

Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner

Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it’s my job to bury it. ‘Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let’s hope for global warming, because then we’ll all have beach-front property.

–6 train

Overheard by: tanechka

Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January…

Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing… Save the world from global warming… I definitely prefer the former.

–Broadway near Lincoln Center

Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!

–79th & Park

Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I’m no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.

–58th & 7th

Overheard by: freckles

American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we’ve just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.

–JFK

Overheard by: Soapnana

Wednesday One-Liners and the N-Word

Black woman: Move, nigga! Shit, if Kramer can say it…

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Salesperson to customer: C’mon nigga, just buy this fucking thing, you know you want it.

–Radio Shack, 225th St

Overheard by: charles elliot

Black lady: So here I go doin’ my thang, right, and I look up and this nigga here is eatin’ a pickle… A pickle!

–NJ Transit into Penn Station

Overheard by: dirtyjersey

Thug: Yo, fuck you! You Pillsbury Doughboy punch-you-in-the-face-lookin’ nigga!

–Grand St

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Old woman: Nigga’s tutti-frutti as a motherfucker.

–35th & 8th

14-year-old girl to friend:… And then my daddy called me a ho! Fuck that nigga!

–Spofford Ave, Hunts Point

Overheard by: number seven

Father: Come on, hurry your ass up, nigga. I mean… Hurry up… son.

–50th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Have Suspicious Packages

Conductor: If you see something, say something. If you see any unattended or suspicious packages, don’t hesitate to tell someone. Just don’t tell me, though.

–A train

Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky

Barista: And on the counter we have… A brown paper bag with something in it! Someone ordered it. Or left it here. Possibly bin Laden.

–Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised that any packages or large bags are subject to search. This is the happy state of the world in which we live. And on that note, the time is 8:15 a.m.

–Uptown A train

Hobo: I will tell you the rules of being a goddamn New Yorker: one — when you see a suspicious package, do not fucking tell anyone. If it has money in it, well, then you can take the money, but it probably doesn’t, so don’t say anything! Also, when you are in the city, do not refer to Sixth Avenue as ‘Avenue of the Americas’ unless you wish to sound like a complete moron!

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Zoe

Conductor: This is the last stop, Newark Penn Station. No passengers. Please take all your suspicious packages.

–WTC-Newark PATH Train

Some Shitty Wednesday One-Liners

Loudspeaker: Sir, do not take a dump on the platform, sir. Sir, do not take a dump on the platform!

–Times Square 42nd St. station

Overheard by: JohnnyD

Teen to friends: Man, for about two weeks this girl had me convinced that girls don’t poop. Somehow it came up in conversation and she was just like, ‘What are you talking about? Girls don’t poop.’ Idiot. I was like, ‘Ohhh my god.’

–A train

Overheard by: Moheed

Crazy man to old lady: You down with OPP? You down with OPP? You down with OPP? Because I just pooped.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Guy in stall, on cell: What am I doing? I’m dropping the kids off at the pool… What do you mean, what do I mean?… I’m taking a shit!… Hold on, I’ll hold the phone by my ass so you can hear the turd splash.

–Men’s room, Ruby Tuesday

Overheard by: Big Larry

Woman on cell: Why does he always do that? He just stopped in the middle of the street, looked me straight in the eyes, and took a giant, steamy dump.

–5th St & Ave A

Lady on cell: Well, it’s not like you can catch anything from yourself. It’s other people’s feces you have to worry about.

–55th & 8th

Overheard by: Murph

Wednesday One-Liners: Picky, Bruised, but Hopeful

Charmer on cell: Yeah, man. I mean, I kind of like her. I’m not that crazy about her kids, but I think I’m going to keep seeing her. Her apartment’s in a really great location.

–Outside Central Bar, 9th & 3rd

Hipster chick: Sometimes I think finding a boy to be bitchy to is just as good as finding a boyfriend.

–F train

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Tough girl to friend: I’ve decided you need to be with a hard guy.

–M16 bus, near Waterside

Overheard by: inothernews

Wannabe thug on cell to girlfriend: Look, I gotta be single. All I wanna do is get money, stay fresh, dress fly, and fuck bitches.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Me Too

JAP: I would never date anyone who lives in a borough.

–122nd & Broadway

Overheard by: guarquez sanchez

Dad to depressed 13-year-old girl: Remember — friends are forever, boys are whatever.

–106th & Madison

Overheard by: Laura

Chick on cell: Yeah, so everything’s good, but I don’t think I’d go out with him again.

–Outside Church of the Incarnation, 35th & Madison

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