Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.

–3rd St & Ave B

Overheard by: amanda

British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.

–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us

Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don’t let him intimidate you!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: jenmo

Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Scarfish

Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?

–Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th

Man to son: Don’t you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!

–Macy’s

Wednesday One-Liners for the Upper Manhattan Empowerment Zone

Conductor: This is your conductor speaking. This station is 125th Street… Welcome to Harlem world.

–2 train

Overheard by: mo love

Geeky white hipster: Some guy would try to mug me and I’d be like, ‘Yo, I was born in Harlem!’ And he’d be like, ‘Damn.’

–Fordham University Ram Van

Woman on cell: Yes, I’m still in Harlem.

–Flushing, Queens

Hipster waitress, after describing dull evening in Harlem: I guess you take your chances, going all the way out in the middle of nowhere like that.

–Hope & Anchor, Red Hook, Brooklyn

Friendly man to lady passerby: Good morning! [She ignores him.] Come on, this is Harlem! In Harlem we say, ‘Good morning’!

–145th & Broadway

Young black kid to group of white ladies: There goes the neighborhood!

–116th & Frederick Douglass, Harlem

Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight

Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken!

–8th & Broadway

Black guy on cell: You ain’t no spring chicken, and you ain’t no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Barbara

Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don’t think I won’t fuck you up.

–61st St

Overheard by: bill r

Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care…

–1 train

Overheard by: ChiChi

Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster.

–W 45th & Broadway

Overheard by: MW

Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery

Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?

–Starbucks, The Villiage

Girl on cell: No, no… I don’t think you understand — my hips are two different sizes! You don’t know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard

Chick on cell: … Yes, it’s coming out of my abdomen…

–Washington Square South

Overheard by: Tyler

Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I’ve been looking at my knees a lot?

–The Met

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I’m gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.

–231st & Broadway

Overheard by: KK

Hot chick: Well, you don’t have arm testicles.

–East Houston St, near BHSEC

MTA lady to another: She got a lot o’ heart for a pussy!

–4/5/6 train underpass, 59th St

Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons

Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.

–9th St & Ave A

Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.

–Outside The Grand, 58th St

Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: But he didn’t even kiss me at the club! We didn’t kiss until the hospital, and it wasn’t even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn’t kiss me back.

–Café, Union Square

Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!

–NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr

Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn’t even get me a fuckin’ vibrator!

–51st & 9th

Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma’s too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Mitchell

Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won’t work out because he’s gay and I’m a lesbian, but he says I’m the sexiest person with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.

–Franklin & Church

Overheard by: Jenny

Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.

–72nd & Broadway

Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?

–Rivington & Ludlow

Overheard by: aryn

Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!

–Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle

Overheard by: elizabeth

Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.

–A train

Overheard by: Jim W.

Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries.

–19th, between 5th & 6th

Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.

–ESCA restaurant

Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry.

–Flight 3188 into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Tom

Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue’s penis: Come on, girls, it’s time to leave. You’ll be lesbians before you know it.

–Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You’re upset that the woman could tell we’re dykes. I’m upset that she insulted us because we’re dykes.

–16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.

–207th St station

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!

–E/V platform, 5th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hydrated

Clerk: My water tastes like the soup we had yesterday. And I can’t decide whether to keep drinking it or not.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Buppie on cell: Listen, I’ll come over, we’ll brew some tea, and then we’ll get hammered.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Justine

Guy’s guy: My 19th birthday is Monday… Yeah, I think I’m gonna cry… I don’t know, I’ve been crying a lot lately. Like, I was reading a Times Book Review the other day, and at the end I just started crying… I know! I think it’s all the soy milk I’ve been drinking.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Mbeezers

Black lady: Cold water here! Cold water! Come and get your cold water! Black people, come and get your cold water from a sista. Jewish people, come and get your cold water, it’s kosher.

–Union Square

Overheard by: alana landa

Professor: I completely understand if anyone feels like committing suicide after this class. Or drinking a pint of whiskey. Both are appropriate responses.

–Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: raqqy

Short guy in lavender polo: And I just flewww that cranberry juice right up to that wedding!

–Canal St

RA to freshman: Forties are like the new Cristal. They’re economic… They’re sociable… And yeah, yeah that’s it.

–Columbia freshman dorm lounge

Overheard by: Columbia Freshman

Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner

Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it’s my job to bury it. ‘Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let’s hope for global warming, because then we’ll all have beach-front property.

–6 train

Overheard by: tanechka

Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January…

Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing… Save the world from global warming… I definitely prefer the former.

–Broadway near Lincoln Center

Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!

–79th & Park

Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I’m no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.

–58th & 7th

Overheard by: freckles

American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we’ve just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.

–JFK

Overheard by: Soapnana

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