Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners for Dennis Franz

Cop to old lady with walker: Excuse me, miss, do you have a license and insurance for that thing?

–57th St

Overheard by: jesse

Black teen to fellow commuter: So, I get off the train and I find this cop. He says to me, ‘Do I know you?’ ‘No, man.’ Then he asks, ‘Haven’t I arrested you before?’ And I say, ‘Nigga, please! No!’

–E train near W 4th St

Mounted police officer holding a pay phone and sobbing: Please, Mom, I’ll do anything!

–8th & 5th

Overheard by: jewish girl

Professor, about police sirens blaring outside: They’re playing our song.

–Columbia University

Large black lady hissing about a police dog sniffing and following black guy: That dog be racial profilin’! He’s a racist! That cop dog’s a racist!

–Subway station, Times Square

Chick to cop writing ticket, standing next to the naked cowboy: Can you give him a ticket for having a bubble butt?

–Times Square

Overheard by: knipc

A Cappella Wednesday One-Liners

Hippy hobo: Hey, let’s start a sing along! I got the shaker, man. [Sings] Row, row, row your train, gently down the tube…

–1 train

Conductor: Next stop, Broadway. Transfer to the [sings] A-B-C-D-E-F… V.

–Brooklyn-bound D

Overheard by: Anthony

Guy singing: You’re going to die soon! You’re going to die soon!

–4th & Mercer

Barista singing while taking out the trash: This shit is the garbage! G-A-R-B-A-G-E!

–Starbucks, 8th & University

Overheard by: susan

Singing hobo: Y’all, gimme five dollars so I can get hi– I mean, home. High, home, high, home.

–4 train

Tweaker man weaving and singing: My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is fuckin’ burning from an STD.

–38th & 8th

Overheard by: Matt

Boy selling stuff on the train and rapping: Please don’t hate on my situation — gotta take the money from the Caucasian.

–R train

Overheard by: Jenny

A Wednesday One-Liner Named Wanda

Hipster girl: Of course they do! Of course they feel pain! What are you, stupid? Of course fish feel pain! I feel bad for them! [Eats her bacon and eggs.]

–Igloo Café, Astoria

Overheard by: s h

Guy waiting for yoga class to start: It was such a sacred moment. I was like, ‘Thank you, brother fish, for feeding me.’

–Om Yoga

Musician: You should come hear us tomorrow. We’ve got a new song with the rousing lyrics, ‘Take that trout and throw it out…’

–Café 212, Columbia University

Overheard by: Prefers to keep the trout

20-something chick: They have, like, the best fish ever! Awesome catfish! I didn’t have fish, though. I had tuna.

–Chinatown

Man: Trout on a waffle!

–Jane Restaurant, W Houston St

Overheard by: Thompson

Wednesday One-Liners Have Killer Résumés

Conductor: This is Penn Station, the last stop. Time to go to work. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work you go.

–LIRR, Penn Station

Chick: My boyfriend still doesn’t want to get a job. Even the Unabomber had a job, didn’t he?

–Harlem

Blonde on cell: What? No, I swear to God I paid him… Yes, I do have a real job now… Yes, I did give it up, alright? I told you I paid him… It’s completely different!

–Starbucks

Black dude to friend: I fuck with people. That’s my job. That’s what I do all day. I fuck with people.

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: it worked on me

Hobo to lady suit: Hey, you wanna be my secretary?

–Outside Starbucks, Union Square

Ex-con: … So then the motherfucker is trying to get me job training, and I was like, ‘Fuck that shit,’ and robbed his apartment… So then they went and threw me back in!

–Bleecker & Bowery

Overheard by: Apple Juice

Hipster chick on cell: The only reason I can tolerate my job is because there is a bar across the street.

–Rockefeller Plaza

Wednesday One-Liners Consume Conspicuously

Man on cell: Yeah, I’m here at the store, but I forgot what you told me to get… What do you mean, ‘Who is this?’ How many guys have you sent to the store in the last five minutes? Oh… This is Jeff.

–Duane Reade, 89th & Columbus

Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Dude: I don’t think I’ll do too well on The Price Is Right. I’m too used to Manhattan. I’d say 35 dollars for a box of Bounce. Then I’d be like, ‘Holy shit, five bucks? Goddamn, Bob, where the fuck do you shop?!’

–Times Square

Overheard by: Dave

British tourist to another: A store just for containers?

–58th & Lex

Overheard by: sofs

Bimbette: It was a real Japanese store. The Japanese person behind the counter was Japanese.

–The Hilton

Filthy rich high school girl: You know, I was thinking — like, we go shopping all the time, but like, we buy clothes we never wear…

–79th & Madison

NYU girl: Jenny*, that is so not J. Crew-appropriate behavior!

–W 8th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Wonder If the Sex Is Worth It

Asian hipster girl to another: I can’t break up with him while he’s unconscious. I’ll go back later tonight when he’s conscious and break up with him then.

–Manhattan-bound F train

10-year-old boy: Man, she is so fucking needy. She keeps wanting to play, like, Truth or Dare to find out stuff about me. And I don’t… I don’t like it!

–E train

Overheard by: Carolyn

Chick on cell: Yeah, but he made some valid points. Like how I’m a sucky girlfriend.

–59th & Madison

Overheard by: Julie

Straight-ish queer: I’m really afraid that a girl will fall head over heels for me and I will end up breaking her heart… Because, you know, I’m really good at giving back massages and fucking up against walls, and those are things girls look for, you know?

–Studio B, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tom

Girl on cell: Look, just because you had a seizure on our first date doesn’t mean I don’t want to go out with you again!

–Budget Car Rental, E 43rd

Wednesday One-Liners Can Order Beers in Twenty Countries

Dude: If I added up all the languages I spoke shitty, I could probably speak one very fluently.

–Prospect Park Southwest & Vanderbilt

Loud guy on cell: Does she speak German? How do you say ‘Fuck you’ in German? … Okay, bye!

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Eric

Cop to others: So I said, ‘What’s your name?’ This guy don’t speak good English, you know?

–G train stop

Black guy to another: Want me to speak another language? ‘Cause I can speak other languages — Chinese, German, Arab, white…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Andrew B.

Girl on cell: And he’s from Sweden, right? Well, yeah. I mean, I’m assuming since he said he speaks Swedish and all… which, honestly, I didn’t know was a real language.

–NYU dorm

Little foreign girl: Auntie, what’s English for ‘horse’?

–J train

Overheard by: MyTh

Gray-haired man to barista: Is tall ‘small’ in your language?

–Starbucks

Exeunt: Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl: Yeah, Rent isn’t my life or anything. It’s just, I have nothing else to do when I get my paycheck, y’know?

–Nederlander Theatre

Man recapping Cavalleria Rusticana on cell: Yes, and then this guy came on stage singing about his horses. Man, was he a twat!

–Metropolitan Opera House

Overheard by: amalthya

Dude: Katie is always saying stuff like, ‘If you shoot for the moon and miss you will still be part of the stars,’ or some shit like that. I just tell her, ‘Enough of your success-ories! You are too musical theater for me. You even do jazz hands all the time!’

–N 10th & Bedford Ave

Spoiled nine-year-old wearing Seven jeans: My favorite part was when Kevin Kline took off his pants!

—King Lear, public theater

Tourist girl to friend, looking at hall of fame pictures on wall: Leo-nard… Bern-stein… Oh, that’s the guy who wrote The Berenstain Bears.

–Gershwin Theatre

Overheard by: edwardDB

Lady, after Spring Awakening: All I got from that was, ‘Don’t have sex with a cute boy or you’ll die.’

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Wednesday One-Liners Had It As a Safety School

Asian chick: I’m just so sick of failing in general.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: jason

NYU girl to friends: Well, he’s not always drunk. Sometimes he’s high.

–Prince & Mercer

NYU chick: I found out I didn’t have AIDS… I went to Whole Foods… It was a good day.

–27th & Park

Overheard by: It was a good day

NYU bimbette: All popular people have herpes. Just look at them!

–NYU

NYU chick: Yeah, we almost broke up like four or five times, so I think that’s indicative that we’re happy together.

–Bowery & Canal

NYU girl on cell: I don’t know what to do about going abroad. My parents want me to go to London, but I looked at my Tarot cards and they’re telling me Dublin. What should I do?

–721 Broadway

Overheard by: Tyler

Queer student: I don’t really have a problem with incest, but in my family there aren’t many lookers.

–NYU Silver Center

All-Volunteer Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: Join the Army, get a Frisbee!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Suzie

Girl on cell: Wait, what’s his name? Jihad?

–8th & University Pl

Marine to cute girl: I’d pay to have sex with you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: joe osmundson

Music teacher: So, you’re getting you hair cut, and you keep going, and… And next thing you know you’re in the Army. Wait, that was a bad analogy. I’ll think of a better one, don’t worry.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: LSB

Crazy guy: You’re so beautiful. Why don’t you stop the war? If you’re so beautiful, why don’t you stop the war?

–F train

Overheard by: Just going home

Hipster: Ryan* is so not married! He’s got some military job that, like, forbades him to be married!

–Tribeca

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