Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master’s in Evacuation

Lady: Okay, it’s been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.

–The Factory, Christopher St

Man: Shit! Why isn’t this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can’t just take a piss right here, ’cause I need to be all proper and shit.

–1 train

Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: … And then I got peed on. I got peed on — on my face! I wanna get peed on again.

–Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave

Overheard by: WTF Mate

Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?

–9th & 7th

Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That’s what I told her — he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.

–B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn

Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!

–Chambers St station

Overheard by: Cat

Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!

–Restroom, Virgin Megastore

Overheard by: it was mine too.

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!

–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History

Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.

–Museum of Natural History gift shop

Overheard by: rufus

Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?

–Museum of Natural History

Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dottie

Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.

–Museum of Natural History

Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!

–Museum of Natural History

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Freudian Slip

Announcer before start of women’s race: Women, please be careful of men trying to go in from behind.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Omar

Man: Wow, this is the most nuts I’ve ever had in my mouth at one time!

–Chocolate shop, Jane St & 8th Ave

Chick pointing at T-Rex: Oh my god, it’s so big! Don’t you wanna just ride it?

–Museum of Natural History

Conductor: Sorry, folks. Looks like I’m having some trouble in my rear.

–C train

Overheard by: mosteen.

MTA employee: Don’t just stick it in… No, you have to ease it in and glide it through.

–A/C/E subway entrance, 44th St

Overheard by: Patrick

Mom to hubby holding sunscreen: Honey, did you lube up the kids?

–Central Park, near 96th St tennis courts

Lady to lesbian coworker: I wish somebody would warm up my muffin.

–1250 Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Threw Up in Front of Dean Wormer

Drunk frat guy: I don’t know about you fellas, but I’m going to Narnia. Shazam! [Dives head first into a wardrobe.]

–NYU dorm

Frat boy: Dude, do you think if I start drinking now I’ll still be drunk in Michigan?

–JFK

Overheard by: JJ

Drunk frat dude on cell: So, does autumn come after winter or before it?

–Outside Wogie’s, West Village

Overheard by: misspenny

Black frat dude to white frat dude: I mean, if the KKK could’ve thought of BET, they woulda done it 50 years ago.

–Columbia University

Drunk Long Island frat boy: At least no one got raped, so that’s pretty good.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: echo

Sweet, Sweet Wednesday One-Liners

Male driver, honking and screaming at pedestrians: They’re fucking muffins! You’re waiting in line for fucking 30 minutes for cupcakes! You are all children! Children!

–Line at Magnolia Bakery

Chick: When I say I’m not hungry what I mean is I just want to eat the icing off something.

–Washington Square

Little boy to another: Are you afraid of lollipops?

–8th St & University Pl

Overheard by: W. Liang

Teacher: The Frenchies were happy — we’ve saved their crepes! Ah, oui, oui! Our crepes! Hahaha!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-aged man: It’s a three pound ball of opium dipped in chocolate.

–Farmer’s Market, Union Square

NYU girl: I mean, I eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream every night before I go to bed. It’s something you just get used to.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Amelia

Angry man on cell: Tell me where he is or no dessert!

–Spring & Mulberry St

Overheard by: 2 of the mulberry 3

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Hard

Teen girl: And then it was like Mister T was there in the corner stroking his two foot cock!

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Conductor: The next stop is my dick.

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Overheard by: Nicole

Girl: I’ve seen one penis, like, a thousand times.

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd

Lady: He’s got quite an impressive member. I was in a club when he unfurled it. I tripped on it. Never wearing those shoes again.

–Starbucks, Park Ave

Tourist mom to kids, pointing to Greek sculpture sans penis: Look at this one — he has testicles… but where’s his gizmo?

–The Met

Skinny queer, dancing: Man, dick is so hard to find here.

–The Cock, 2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: unfound dick

Wednesday One-Liners Off the Vine

Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there’s a million things you can do with a mothafuckin’ grape!

–23rd & 7th

Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: You’ll get FAT!

Suit: I’m totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It’s just taking the easy way out.

–Sotto Voce, Park Slope

Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy

Lady: I feel like I’m living in a banana.

–75th & Madison

Conductor: The E train to Queens — that’s E as in ‘apple’ — is running regularly.

–A train, 14th St

Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin’ ’em a banana looked like a dick!

–19th & 4th, Brooklyn

Ask Your Doctor about Wednesday One-Liners

Investment banker lady: He needs some hobbies besides painkillers.

–45th & Park

Overheard by: triSarahtops

Queer: Who needs a boyfriend when you have OxyContin?

–4th St & Ave C

Overheard by: Kenney Matthews

Excited chick on cell: Oh my god, and my mom said for my birthday she is gonna get me these pills!

–79th & Amsterdam

Middle-aged man: That is why I have been taking my father’s pills.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Coffeeshopgoth

NYU girl to another: If your dad didn’t want to go on anti-depressants before, he’s gonna want to now!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Sarah

Philosophy professor: So, let’s just say one time I was on… prescription medication.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Raquel

Grey’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: We don’t know what’s in her head… or her throat.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess

Girl: Is that your thumb I’m feeling? Dude, that’s your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?

–South St Seaport

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

French woman: That’s not his butthole, it’s his mouth.

–Broom & Grand St

Overheard by: Kevin

Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend’s bellybutton.

–9th & 3rd

Chick: Why’d you chop off both stomachs?

–69th and Amsterdam

Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?

–Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey

Overheard by: ashley

Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.

–4th & Bowery

Wednesday One-Liners Fumble for Wordity

Suit on cell: And I was like, ‘Dude, you should come with us.’ I told her to, like, come and like, have fun with us. I didn’t want her to feel like she’s, like, disintellegent or something…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Call him stupid

Woman on cell: He told me it wasn’t good for the diges– uh… digesticle.

–49th & 11th

Overheard by: alxie

Man: I would like to send this regular post, and I need a confrontation number.

–Post Office, Bed-Stuy Brevoort

Girl: It means super-maker-outer.

–54th & 9th

Hobo: They call it genocide, people. Put that in your laputaters.

–Brookyln-bound R train

Overheard by: what?

PR exec about his new start-up: It’s not exactly rocket scientry. That’s why I can do it.

–Office building, Midtown

Ghetto chick: That dude got no education. I mean, look how he talk!

–1 train

Overheard by: Anna

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