Wednesday One-Liners Had It As a Safety School

Asian chick: I’m just so sick of failing in general.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: jason

NYU girl to friends: Well, he’s not always drunk. Sometimes he’s high.

–Prince & Mercer

NYU chick: I found out I didn’t have AIDS… I went to Whole Foods… It was a good day.

–27th & Park

Overheard by: It was a good day

NYU bimbette: All popular people have herpes. Just look at them!

–NYU

NYU chick: Yeah, we almost broke up like four or five times, so I think that’s indicative that we’re happy together.

–Bowery & Canal

NYU girl on cell: I don’t know what to do about going abroad. My parents want me to go to London, but I looked at my Tarot cards and they’re telling me Dublin. What should I do?

–721 Broadway

Overheard by: Tyler

Queer student: I don’t really have a problem with incest, but in my family there aren’t many lookers.

–NYU Silver Center

Posted on May 2, 2007
AIDS, All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Students, Travel, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

All-Volunteer Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: Join the Army, get a Frisbee!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Suzie

Girl on cell: Wait, what’s his name? Jihad?

–8th & University Pl

Marine to cute girl: I’d pay to have sex with you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: joe osmundson

Music teacher: So, you’re getting you hair cut, and you keep going, and… And next thing you know you’re in the Army. Wait, that was a bad analogy. I’ll think of a better one, don’t worry.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: LSB

Crazy guy: You’re so beautiful. Why don’t you stop the war? If you’re so beautiful, why don’t you stop the war?

–F train

Overheard by: Just going home

Hipster: Ryan* is so not married! He’s got some military job that, like, forbades him to be married!

–Tribeca

Posted on May 2, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Government, Jobs & Careers, War, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners, from Crayola

Junior high kid: Man, I slapped the taste out of that nigga. The whole side of his face turned… purple! No, not purple… Lilac.

–G train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: outofplace

Crazy guy speaking into Bic lighter: Come in, blue leader, come in. Do you read me, blue leader?

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Alec

Man: Nothing that’s white is ever good for you except for a white man’s money.

–Restroom, Penn Station

Chick to old lady in pink clothes: I am really feeling your outfit. Pink has had a special meaning to me lately. Not because I wear pink, but spiritually — ethereally — pink has been influencing my life.

–94th & Amsterdam

Girl on cell: I just don’t know about him anymore. I mean, he has lavender sheets…

–CVS, 25th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

Posted on May 2, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Would Rather Learn by Trial and Error

Teacher: Now, this section is about– [walks over to the board, writes ‘Sex’ in large letters, underlining it repeatedly]. This ought to get your attention.

–Brooklyn Tech High

Overheard by: Liz

Sex-ed teacher: Some douches are vinegar solutions. That doesn’t mean I want you to go home, get some vinegar and make a douche of yourself.

–Hunter College High

Overheard by: Kevoo

Professor, as projector screen falls down: Looks like I need some Viagra.

–NYU Silver Center

Lady professor: The naked female body is the most beautiful thing a person can see — even more so than the male body… At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from my personal experience.

–NYU Silver Center

Teacher, about The Odyssey: It keeps saying, ‘Rosy-fingered dawn, rosy-fingered dawn.’ Why does dawn keep coming?!

–LaGuardia High

Posted on May 2, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Teachers/Professors, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners, Esq.

Guy on cell: I’m sorry, I can’t talk now. I’m in the judge’s chambers. [Phone rings again.] Yes, your honor?

–Magic Johnson Theater, 125th St

Woman to three-year-old girl: Well, you need to talk to a lawyer when you want to get married.

–Outside NYU Law School

Black man screaming into phone: I’m tellin’ you, I ain’t goin’ to court no more. I. Am. Not. Goin’!

–City Hall

Pre-law student: Isn’t that arsony?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Drunk party-goer: No, no, the problem isn’t that they fired all these prosecutors. The problem is they didn’t try to hide it! Clinton did the same thing! It’s all about what you do in public. Like, you can fuck anybody you want, but if you do it in public, it’s rape!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Law professor: Death is bad, but there is a tax advantage.

–NYU Stern School of Business

Ditzy Chinese chick: So, I went on this job interview with this law firm, right? And this lawyer who was interviewing me was really cute, ya know? So at the end of the interview he stood up, and I wasn’t sure what to say so I said, ‘Well, I don’t know whether you’re going to hire me or not, but I’d really like to fuck you.’ So he came to my apartment after work and fucked me. Then I get a letter two days later telling me I didn’t get the fucking job! Do you think that’s sexual harassment?

–Starbucks, Chinatown

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on May 2, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Crime and Punishment, Jobs & Careers, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Propagate Their Genes by Caring for Siblings’ Children

Thug: Yo, I would so love to see a show called ‘Diaries of a Very Weird Gay Guy.’

–NYU

30-something lady: … And he wanted to have sex with me. What is it that drives the heteros away and makes me the goddamn gay whisperer?

–136th & 8th

Girl to boyfriend: You’re sooo gay when you’re drunk.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: Tigertail

Stud: I swear, if I got gay it would not be boring.

–St. George residence hall

Overheard by: G

Dude: I’m so hungry, I’m gay!

–FIT dining hall

Overheard by: Jake

Posted on April 25, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Gays and Lesbians, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Surest Form of Birth Control

Disgruntled student: Milton is where boners go to die.

–116th & Broadway, Columbia University

Overheard by: BBW

NYU girl: … And she told me she had a gynecology appointment with this old chick scheduled for tomorrow, and that’s when I realized just about everyone at this school is getting more ass than me.

–9th & University

Scruffy guy: Don’t worry, you’re going to have sex some day!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Professor: There are two types of people in this world — those who ride fast horses and those who don’t get laid.

–Classics Dept, NYU

Overheard by: face

10-year-old: At my age it’s just best to cuddle.

–Shakespeare & Co.

Overheard by: Leah

Posted on April 25, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners No Function Beer Good Without

Drunk female vocalist after set: Dude… Evolution… That’s, like, the theory we come from plants and shit.

–Blue Note Jazz Club

Overheard by: Bailey

Drunken derelict, burping loudly: Give it a second and it’ll come out the other side!

–6th Ave & Waverly Pl

Drunk man: I mean, it’s ironic when you think about it. Lou Gehrig winds up dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease. Then, Dr. Atkins dies of Atkins. Think about it.

–Bar, 46th St

Drunk bum: I’m not a bum — I’m an international bill inspector. My boss sent me here to inspect your bills. Who wants to give me a hundred dollars?

–Crowded 6 train

Overheard by: Stephanie

Drunk girl: I’m not drunk yet. I can still feel my lips!

–Blagio, Queens

Overheard by: Kim

Belligerent wino: I am the government!

–Caton Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on April 25, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners before the Fall

Chick: So, with my toplessness and your bottomlessness we will equal one naked person tonight?

–Harlem

Overheard by: McN

Lady suit on cell: I told her to try the site at home and she screws her face up, scoffs at me and storms off like I’d told her to go stand on the BQE naked!

–PATH train, 9th St

Overheard by: Zenana

Cool cop: She looks great when she is naked, but when she is dressed, you know, not so great.

–1 train, 96th St

Chick to friends: The way he said it was, ‘I sleep naked so if I have to get up at night to go to the bathroom, why should I put boxers on? I’ll just put a sock on it.’

–Starbucks, Times Square

Cute hipster on cell: I was so confused this morning. I woke up naked in Queens with a stripper! I was like, ‘Fuck, I guess I had a good night…’

–Clark & Henry St, Brooklyn

Drunk guy: … And she was all drunk, dancing around naked in the attic again.

–Restaurant, Waverly & MacDougal